What You Can Expect from the 2016 Golden Globes

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It’s that time of the year again! Men and women of all ages dress up in their finest and hope the big men in suits give them something shiny to take home. No, not Christmas. That already passed, remember? It’s time for the 73rd annual Golden Globes awards!

No one can exactly predict who will take the golden, slightly phallic-looking statue home, but there are some things about the Golden Globes that are to be expected year after year regardless of the nominees. People will cry, cheer, and wear ridiculous and ill-fitting outfits for attention.

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*Jack Donaghy voice* Good God, Lemon!

Ricky Gervais is hosting the ceremony for the fourth time, which adds the predictability of the televised ceremony. Here is a rundown on what will exactly happen during the ceremony on Sunday.

INT. BEVERLY HILLS HILTON HOTEL

RICKY GERVAIS, slightly drunk and slightly smug, enters from stage right.

RICKY GERVAIS

Good evening everyone. It’s wonderful to see so many members of Hollywood out here tonight. Glad you could all take a break from counting your money and vacationing on your yachts. Oooh, did that “go there” for some of you? It’s what I’m doing tonight. I’m going “there”.

Offstage, a MEMBER of the Hollywood Foreign Press makes a note in their phone: “DO NOT LET GERVAIS HOST AGAIN. SEE IF TINY AND AMY WILL DO IT AGAIN.”

RICKY GERVAIS

So many familiar  faces here. Like Jennifer Lawrence–

Camera pans to JENNIFER LAWRENCE sitting in the audience. She waves for the camera.

RICKY GERVAIS

Are you going to trip again tonight?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You know I only save that move for the Oscars.

RICKY GERVAIS

Yeah and you have no shot at winning tonight so why bother stealing the spotlight tonight?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE stands up and trips adorably.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Golly gee, I am such a klutz! So relatable, am I right, America?

RICKY GERVAIS

Enough, Jennifer. Hasn’t David O. Russell embarrassed you enough by putting you in a bio-pic about the woman who invented the miracle mop?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey, I got to make out with Bradley Cooper onscreen again so I’m good.

RICKY GERVAIS

Anyway, this is the part of the monologue where I get a little topical about politics. Let’s see, Donald Trump has been in the news a lot. This is going to be pretty easy. Donald Trump is such an idiot that–

INT. TRUMP TOWER SUITES

DONALD TRUMP furiously tweets as he watches the Golden Globe broadcast. His wife, MELANIA TRUMP, attempts to calm him.

DONALD TRUMP

When I’m president, you better believe my first order of business will be to deport this Ricky Gervais guy! I’ll bet you he doesn’t even have a green card!

MELANIA TRUMP

Yes, I know sweetie.

DONALD TRUMP

Why couldn’t Amy and Tiny host?

MELANIA TRUMP

You know they would make fun of you too, darling.

DONALD TRUMP

Yeah, but at least they’re Americans. We’re even outsourcing our comedians! What has this country come to?

INT. BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL

RICKY GERVAIS is still onstage. The audience looks uncomfortable.

RICKY GERVAIS

I see my HIV jokes about Charlie Sheen didn’t go so well. Guess we’re not liquored up enough yet. Hey, that’s what Bill Cosby said–

AUDIENCE

RICKY, NO!

RICKY GERVAIS

Right, let’s just hand these out. Carol gets Best Picture and Best Actress, Eddie gets Best Actor, and Game of Thrones gets Best Drama. Okay, now let’s all go home.

CATE BLANCHETT

Wait, did you mean that I get Best Actress or that Rooney Mara gets Best Actress? We were both nominated.

ROONEY MARA

Yeah, I’m not interested in sharing a golden penis. Didn’t have to do that in the movie, definitely not going to do it in real life.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What about the other categories? Best Comedy, Best Actress in a TV series, Best Limited Series?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

And what about Best Foreign Film?

RICKY GERVAIS

Please. We know no one saw those and no one cares.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

True.

CATE BLANCHETT

Look, Ricky, we all love you but please take this seriously. Who won?

RICKY GERVAIS

Alright, we all know these things aren’t as important as the Oscars but some of you will probably never win an Oscar in your life–

Everyone in the audience looks over to a glum LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

RICKY GERVAIS

So I’m just going to lay down these trophies on the stage and whoever gets them gets them. GO!

RICKY GERVAIS flees the stage as the ACTORS violently push and shove each other as they try to grab a golden statue.

Several die in the process. Don’t worry, they were your least favorite ones.

Check back on Monday to see if I was right! What do you think will happen at the Golden Globes on Sunday?

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

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