This Week In Hilarious Adorable Funtime Rape (Trigger Warning)

This Week In Hilarious Adorable Funtime Rape (Trigger Warning)

Celebrate good times come on!

I kind of feel like we shouldn’t really need a trigger warning in the headline up there, considering the word “rape” is already in it. But since we’re not going to add a trigger warning every time we post a picture of a “thin-bodied” person (tw #thinbodied tw), or start asking people what pronouns they’d like us to use for zir, we guess it is the least we can do.

First up in our hilarious adorable funtime rape week is this amazing video from Mother Russia. Vladimir Zhirinovsky is a far-right sweetheart, as is obvious when he tells one of his aides de dick to go rape a journalist who’d asked a question for which he simply did not care.

Translation courtesy of Buzzfeed (further translation at the link):

“You have to do things kindly, nicely. Where are those idiots, come here. You come here too, journalist. OK, I’ll say it then you run up and start raping her hard.”

Hahahahaha, man, this guy is good at jokes!

What is especially noteworthy about this video, which you should absolutely watch, is how calm and collected the young women journalists are. This man has beclowned himself, and they are about as intimidated by him as they’d be by a potato bug.

But the other especially noteworthy thing about this video is his aides actually attempt to follow his orders. They rush towards the young women, and though they’re unsuccessful in their sad tries at “kissing” them, they still stand there thuggishly, blocking the women from moving.

Oh young fellows, you are delightful, and by “delightful,” I mean “the reason I am actually terrified of Russian men.” These women aren’t though. Good on em.

Next up in rapey funtime week, we’re at XOJane via Buzzfeed, which is really on it! (It being rapey funtimes.)

XOJane picked up a podcast by Vice graffiti artist David Choe, who tells the super-great story about how he raped a massage therapist in her mouth. As he’s telling the story, he’s actually very self-aware, mentioning many times that she is not into it, that he knows she is not into it, that he knows she has no interest in sexytime with him, but that he forces his penis into her mouth anyway.

David Choe, not a rapist

David Choe, not a rapist

Oh, also it wasn’t rape. (That is maybe a little less self-aware.)

Let’s go to the tape!

So I just start jerking off. So then her hands gets off my leg and she just stops … I go “Look I’m sorry I can’t help myself — can you just pretend like I’m not doing this and you continue with the massage?” And she’s like “All right” and she does … I’m like “Can I touch your butt?” and I reach out and touch her butt and she pulls away. She doesn’t want me to touch her butt.

He asks her to spit on it and she says no, then he asks her to kiss it and she says no. “She’s definitely not into it, but she’s not stopping it either,” he says.

… I say “Kiss it a little,” she says “No, all the massage oil is on it” and I take the back of her head and I push it down on my d**k and she doesn’t do it. And I say “Open your mouth, open your mouth,” and she does it and I start facef**king her.

Oh the old “she’s definitely not into it, this person who has given every indication, including by saying words, with her mouth, that she does not want your rancid oily cock in her facehole, but she really wants it.” (He explains later in the podcast that her eyes said yes.)

Choe wants us to know it was rapey behavior, not rape, and I think we can all agree that she was asking for it by working in massage and being within a mile of David Choe.

Is that all the rape hilarity of the week? Not on your life! There was also this, too, also:

They then kiss, right beside Joffrey’s corpse. Cersei pulls away, and Jamie says, “You’re a hateful woman. Why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?” He then proceeds to grab her and kiss her, ripping at her garments. And as she continually says, “No, no, stop, stop, it’s not right,” he takes her, saying, “I don’t care.” Rape. On the floor of the Great Sept. Beside their dead son. Holy fuck was it disturbing. Seriously, like a million shades of not ok, and even disturbing for Game of Thrones.

For those of you keeping track of Jamie’s moral compass: fratricide is bad, but raping your sister beside the incestuous corpse of your son in a holy place is ok.

People, they were so mad about it! But the Game of Thrones director said nah mang, by the end she was totally super into it — ladies, remember, might as well lie back and enjoy it — so it was totally okay.

To cap off our week, Terry Richardson was Terry Richardson again.

richardson twitterterry richardson

Where is that marvelous ape?

[Buzzfeed / XOJane / Buzzfeed]

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  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

    • rebecca

      oh okay.

    • Strawberry Shortfuse

      The Accused. Jodi Foster. You may actually want to see it.

      • crowTrobot

        I have seen it. What’s your point? It’s pretty reductive to try to criticize rape culture by reveling in it. And for what? Shock value?

        • rebecca

          No. Because that’s what rape fucking looks like.And you might want to consider, in this context at least, what telling me FUCK YOU in all violent caps says.

          • crowTrobot

            Pretty telling that you think that image is okay to use in this context. I’m sure survivors enjoy the shit out of it.

          • BMW

            You seem to be assuming a lot and being very rude about it.

          • rebecca

            I am one. Are you? You wanna explain at me some more about what is okay and what isn’t?

          • crowTrobot

            It seems in poor taste to go for shock value on an issue like this. Completely subjective, of course, but there it is.

          • rebecca

            It seems to me in poorer taste to scream fuck you at me in all caps in a post about rape — almost as if you were wishing rape on me! — but there it is.

          • crowTrobot

            People are going to see your triggering post, so there’s that.

          • timpundit

            To me it looks as tho you are looking for a reason to be outraged. This is a movie about a woman raped and treated like shit later. It doesn’t glorify rape anymore than Wanted posters glorify felons.

        • Strawberry Shortfuse

          Statement/suggestion withdrawn. I misread your original comment–I thought you actually weren’t familiar with it.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Thanks, HNTP. I was worried that I might be tempted to eat today, but you grossed that notion right out of my head.Ugh, can the world stop being awful for, like, one day?

    • glasspusher

      Luckily this was happy nice time. Can you imagine if if was worse?

  • Hammiepants

    Fuck. WTH is with people lately?

  • Bernarda Alba

    The women journalists probably found his comments very disturbing, but they suppressed their personal reactions because they were probably being what’s known as professional. Also trying not to give the creep the satisfaction of a reaction.And yeah, a lot of people have been raped who you might never expect had been raped, and even have full-on PTSD caused by it, so if you make highlarious rapey jokey gags you just never know how they’re going to react, haw haw.

  • timpundit

    ok, the thing with GoT was the director or whatever claiming the scene may not be rape. Ok, I disagree it was rape.But the scene itself was less horrific than the various other horrific things that happens, like torturing a man and cutting his dick off, murdering infants by swords, burning people alive, and tons of swords entering various parts of people’s bodies. The young and the old. This has been going on since 2010.So now a scene comes out depicting a rape (and not even the first rape of the series) and people brown their long-johns? I call ‘DUH” on them. Also. “shut up.”Like I said, what the director said was stupid and wrong. But those who are clutching their pearls at another rape scene in a very violent series are just busybodies who have never watched the series up until Jezebel’s drudge sirens went off.Also, too,. One of the best things on TV today.

    • Strawberry Shortfuse

      People aren’t generally going to the mat to argue that moral ambiguity exists around the parent-eating or Greyjoy-torturing or child-crucifying or (with one notable exception from the first season–see if you, as a long-time viewer, unlike us busybodies, can guess!) other rape scenes in the show as they are in this case.

      • timpundit

        So is the outrage over the director claiming is was not rape? If so, I agree with the outrage.But if someone is ‘outraged’ this rape took place at all. Then I have to ask wtf have they been watching since GoT has been on and MUCH worse has been shown?

        • rebecca

          I can’t speak for the original outrageers, but mine is for the director’s statement alone.

          • The Original Outrageers single “i’m so angry about this stuff” was the best song of 1965.

      • timpundit

        Yes. If this rape scene s the first thing you’ve gotten ‘outraged’ over in the GoT series then I so state you are a busybody looking to be outraged.

    • Homestar

      I think there are several reasons people were “outraged”. One, they liked Jamie Lannister the character and were upset that he raped Cersei (conveniently forgetting he pushed a young boy out a window in season/book 1), thereby turning him into a villain and viewers into conflicted viewers. Two, the rape itself was shocking because it happened between two people who love each other (I guess?), not enemies to the death. Three, because the director and show runners clearly didn’t see the scene as rape (which they excused by referencing the book, in which Cersei does invite Jamie verbally to have sex with her). I think all those reasons make the scene problematic, but the most disturbing is obviously that the director in no way was aware that it looks and sounds like rape. Sure, we could stretch to say that Cersei was letting Jamie rape her so she could then use him to kill Tyrion, but rape is still rape. Just because it turned consensual in the book does not mean it was consensual on the show. I personally think that is a glaring oversight on the part of the director, but I also think it was a poor decision to make for the character of Jamie overall.

  • GOT is a crap show, at least be outraged at the book, you know the one written decades ago where this 1st took place with a lot more as well. then again it’s a good series where the show is crap so whatever. can’t be mad at such an awesome book series for fantasy rape now can we, almost as stupid as being made at a show for fantasy made up rape.

  • and having worked at conde, i can tell you that terry richardson will still get hired by the photo director there because his boss, a woman who you have heard of and seen in a movie and who is famous, wants a (alleged) pig-fucking rapist shithead to take shitty photos for her. or he can go shoot for GQ again, where the photo director, a woman, will hire him at the behest of her boss, a dudebro. and people like my wife, who is a well known successful photographer who does not rape people or threaten them or quid pro quo blowjobs, will continue not to get hired at vogue and will only shoot inside pages at GQ, not covers, because only alleged rapist men can shoot covers at GQ. emphasis mine, assholes theirs.

  • Duckler

    Trigger rape is the bestest. I didn’t read any of this, are we still talking about Game of Thrones?

    • PubOption

      The censoring program from Wonkette has obviously not been used here. References to Roy Rogers’ horse are not required.

      • Duckler

        I don’t even know if we’re joking anymore. It’s Hullabalooza all over again.

  • PubOption

    Terry, the correct uniform is a dirty raincoat.

  • Ambignostic

    Speaking of The Accused, mazel tov to Jodie and Alexandra!