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on Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It's the premiere of What We Had to Watch, where your host Il Neige braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking! In his Agony Booth debut, Il Neige takes a look at the fantasy adventure Eragon, a film based on a book written by a kid, for kids. It's the Kidz Bop of Fantasy Literature!
"Why exactly did this movie turn out so terrible? Well, aside from the poor source material they were working with, it's pretty clear what doomed the movie: they just didn't give a shit."Twilight (2008)
"No matter how good of a job the director did, and no matter how hard the screenwriters worked, nobody else's talent is ever going to fix the middle-aged woman's disturbing sparkly wank-dream that is Twilight."The Return of the King (1980)
“His approach is cut short as he sees the reason a swarm of Orcs hasn’t gotten around to curb-stomping him into oblivion: they’re all dead. Naturally, we get a monologue explaining this, and I think even the five year olds watching at this point are probably going, ‘Move it along, goddammit, I got shit to do today!’”The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
The vampires are back, and more sparkly than ever. Will Bella be able to get over Edward? Will Jacob give up shirts altogether? Do you even care? Il Neige sure doesn't, but that's not gonna stop him from sitting through this two-hour mess of a sequel.Constantine (2005)
“It’s difficult enough for newbies to grasp exactly who Constantine is and what he does without throwing in all these other side characters and unnecessary plot twists.”Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)
“It’s safe to say that with its stilted acting, clumsy dialogue, and TV movie-level cinematography, Atlas Shrugged II is Objectively bad.”
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