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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Michael A. Novelli
on Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Michael A. Novelli steps up to host the Movie Skewer and take over our coverage of the Twilight Saga: the continuing misadventures of a vacant, passive high school girl, the creepy vampire who controls her, and the werewolf/rapist-in-training who comes between them! In the third installment, Bella and Edward are engaged, which pisses off Jacob, while Victoria organizes an army of “newborn” vampires to kill Bella and get revenge on Edward. So yeah, pretty much the same plot as New Moon, only this time they pay Bryce Dallas Howard to stand around and do nothing.
"No matter how good of a job the director did, and no matter how hard the screenwriters worked, nobody else's talent is ever going to fix the middle-aged woman's disturbing sparkly wank-dream that is Twilight."The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Edward decides his kind is too dangerous to be around Bella, so he goes into contrived self-exile, leaving Bella to screech like a maniac for months before finally finding comfort in hot werewolf Jacob. Alas, Sofie's endless mocking of the movie earns her the wrath of Pia (played by Sofie Liv), a scantily-clad airhead who breaks into Sofie's house to share a love of all things Twilight!The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)
Stephenie Meyer's novel gets split into two movies to extract an additional billion dollars from Twi-hards who line up for these things no matter how tedious or repulsive they get. And this one is certainly repulsive, as Bella gets pregnant with a half-vampire baby who treats her womb like a bouncy castle, Edward performs a Cesarean with his teeth, and Jacob embarks on an 18 year quest to groom his future wife.Kristen Stewart should be in the next Captain America
“It’s a real shame, because if she had found a role in a better franchise to finally launch her into A-list status, those very traits that people hate about her now might have been her most endearing qualities to many of those same people.”The Host (2013)
“Stephenie Meyer does for the alien invasion genre what she did for vampires and werewolves: she takes away everything you love about it, stuffs it with her own bizarre mythology, and uses it mostly to create a love triangle and romantic angst.”Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)
"Every shot is tilted at a different angle. I'd call this 'jarring', but I'd worry about offending jars."
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