Sportsball Time! USA vs Portugal Twitter Recap

Portuguese striker and telenovela star Cristiano Ronaldo

Did you think that Alexander Skarsgård would be the prettiest man on television last night? You are wrong, because there is a sportsball man who was prettier than him! His name is Cristiano Ronaldo, and he plays for Portugal, and they played against us, the United States Americans, and now we will tell you all about it.

So Portugal is a place right next to Spain, and in Portugal, they speak a language with gendered nouns, which means they’re automatically good at soccer. That is a scientific fact. It is also a scientific fact that defending champions Spain have already been eliminated, and that Portugal got its ass kicked by Zee Chermans, and if the Portuguese had lost to the United States, then they too would have had to head back to the Iberian Peninsula covered in shame, and also pussy, because they are all wealthy professional soccer men.

Got that? U.S. plays Portugal, Portugal has to win to stay alive, Portugal has a very pretty man playing for them. Oh! Also, the game was being played literally in the Amazon rainforest, where atmospheric conditions usually vary between “muggy” and “the sweat-soaked center of Satan’s boxer briefs.” This is important because soccer makes you run ALL THE DAMN TIME, no stopping for anything, unless you’re faking an injury, in which case that’s okay because “the beautiful game.”

Onwards, casual soccer fans! The game got started with some kicking, and there was much kicking and running, and THEN DISASTER STRUCK. A one-named swarthy Portuguese type made a kicking goal, using his kicking feet.

This goal was, in soccer parlance, a “howler,” or, if you want to be British about it, “a howlah!” It is called a howler because wolves will descend upon the homestead of the American defender who fucked up and caused the goal, and after the wolves eat his family, they will howl with satisfaction. Now, if you watch the goal, you’ll note that there’s an American very close to the net, and he’s wearing a different colored uniform than the rest of his team. That is because he is the “goalkeeper,” and he is the only one on his team who gets to use his hands, can you even imagine? And the American goalkeeper, Tim Howard, fell on his firm, shapely ass just as this goal was kicked toward the net. Why did he do that? Because lurking in the center of the goal-scoring place was the aforementioned Cristiano Ronaldo, and Howard was maybe thinking it would be a pass to Portugal’s star goal-scorer. But no, it was not a pass, it was a shot, and then it was a goal, and that is how the soccer babby is formed. Ho hum, run run run, kick kick kick, there is nothing going, do they really have to just run around the whole time? Answer: no they do not! When the weather is SUPER hot outside (remember: Amazon rainforest), then the referees have the option of making everyone take a water break. And while the players were not served orange slices and Capri Sun like you were when you were a kid, this was the first official water break in World Cup history.

“FK YEH TIM DICKINSON ON TWITTER, WE WILL HAVE ANOTHER BEER!” we said, because we were in a bar at the time.

After a few more minutes of soccering, it was halftime, and both teams went inside to escape the infernal Amazonian heat. Some commentators suggested that Portugal’s technical precision was leading the United States to run around the field like a bunch of dum-dums, but we all know that it was probably the heat that led to the United States displaying soccer methods that were…unsound.

And then the second half started up and it was time for another beer! Blah blah blah, boring kicking, boring running, boring sweating. The players were all looking tired because of the heat, a point the ESPN commentators noted. Former soccer man Taylor Twellman actually said, “Just look at this game!” as evidence of a point he was making, which is the surest sign of intelligent color-commentary. And his pal, Some British Guy, said something like, “Can they break through?” and “A real touch of class in what they’re doing here,” and other time-killing nonsense words.

But then BOOM, America scored! Like a B-52 run from Diego Garcia, this strike came from long distance.

That is how we like our soccer! Question: does a soccer goal count for more points if it comes from really far away? They do that in basketball, and it only seems fair. So now they’re tied, and they run around a little more, and the United States is wearing white jerseys, and everyone’s sweating through their jerseys and it is HAWT. Pass pass pass, turnover turnover turnover, and then, what’s this? It’s Clint “Deuce” Dempsey, America’s #1 rapping soccer man, and he’s here to save the day!

That last Tweet isn’t quite accurate, in our humble opinion. Dempsey sort of shoved the ball into the goal with his tummy, or at least that little stretch of no-man’s land right above his dong. What’s the male equivalent of a FUPA, only for someone with 8% body fat?

So it’s 2-1 now, and there’s only nine minutes left in regulation, but soccer has this bullshit extra time thing where they put up an arbitrary number of extra minutes based on whatever the referee feels like. This time, the ref put five extra minutes on the clock, and Portugal needed all of them to break America’s heart. The villain was none other than telenovela refugee Cristiano Ronaldo, the pretty boy whut is swanning around in his underwears at the top of the post.

This goal happened on literally the last play of the game, which is a relatively rare thing in soccerball. With one deftly delivered cross, Cristiano Ronaldo delivered Portugal from its greatest humiliation in Brazil since the Treaty of Tordesillas (Don’t give me those blank stares. Jesus, people, read a book). Then there was a secondary controversy about Cristiano Ronaldo’s stupid hair. It had a big, like, Z thing carved into it, and someone started the rumor that he did it for a kid with brain cancer, and then everyone on Twitter jumped on it, because we are all morons. THIS IS WHY UPROXXX HASN’T GONE BANKRUPT YET, BECAUSE OF YOU HORRIBLE PEOPLE.

There will be more footie to come, with the United States taking on Zee Chermans in the last game of group play. If we tie Zee Chermans, or even if we don’t lose to them super-badly, then we get to keep playing, hooray, aren’t you excited?

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  • Respiteini

    This is neither happy time nor nice time. This is a national sadz. I’ll go back to rocking back and forth in the corner, weeping softly.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Yeah, that Ronaldo? Definitely an alien from a much better looking set of life forms, in a galaxy far, far away.So, like, not fair.

  • Andrés el Sincero

    Hating on soccer isn’t funny anymore yall, it just makes you sound like Jim Rome–ignorant assholes. I get that you need the World Cup clickbait but come on, at least try and get someone who actually likes the sport or knows even a little bit more than decades-old Simpsons jokes about it.

    • Brendan_M

      They were going to have the knowledgeable sportsball-fan Wonkette writer do this recap, but today is their day off…