Twilight (2008) (part 2 of 9)

Non-verbose relationship established, Bella, Charlie and the Moustache arrive at their house. Bella mentions she’s been accustomed to holidaying here, which we totally needed to know. Especially via voiceover.

Charlie shows Bella to her room, talks awkwardly about the furnishings and then shuffles out. Bella’s voiceover notes that one of the best things about him is that “he doesn’t hover”. Okay, that was worth a smile.

Alone, Bella sits down on the bed but is interrupted in her blank-faced moping by the arrival of two guests outside. Two Native American guys have shown up with a big rusty old red ute. Oh, right, you guys are mostly Americans. Uh… it’s a pickup truck, then. That’s better.

Charlie helpfully introduces us to one of the visitors—an older guy in a wheelchair. His name is Billy Black and he has a totally awesome hat. The hat and the moustache should so get a spinoff movie. I’m just sayin’.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

Looks like Clint Black’s fallen on tough times.

With Billy is his son Jacob, a younger guy wearing an obvious long-haired wig. Hey, he’s kinda cute. And… damn those are long canines. Oh, so he’s the vampire, then? That was quick. Hm, he doesn’t look much like the guy on the DVD case… he’s still hot, though!

What? I’m a girl, stupid! The relative hotness of guys is all we care about! Twilight told me so.

Jacob talks to Bella, reminding her that they knew each other when they were little kids. There’s some definite chemistry between them, and he’s obviously attracted to her, going on the stammering and so forth. It’s so cute when they do that!

Caption contributed by Jet

“Oh yeah, Jacob got fans. Jacob got lotsa fans.”

Charlie interrupts, showing Bella the ute- uh, I mean the pickup truck. It’s a gift for her, and—hey, wait, she changed her expression! Holy hell, I was not prepared for that. Bella is delighted with her new truck (note she says “oh my gosh” here instead of “oh my god”, because blasphemy is a big no-no in Mormonism). Jacob boasts that he rebuilt the engine, and the two hop in to check it out.

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Outside, Billy and Charlie have an amusing moment where Billy says that he’s “down with the kids” and Charlie deadpans back with “oh yeah, you’re the bomb”. These guys rule.

In the truck Jacob gives Bella a quick tutorial, and she’s disappointed to find out he goes to school in the local reservation rather than the one she’ll be going to.

End scene, and we cut to Bella driving up to her new school in the truck (which is really cool, by the way).

Caption contributed by Jet

What a sweet ute. Pickup truck. Whatever you wanna call it.

The relentless voiceover keeps on going, telling us even more stuff we could have learnt through dialogue—namely, it’s her first day at a new school (no shit), and that it’s March and therefore the middle of term, which we also really needed to know. Bella isn’t happy about this, because she’s a self-centred teenager. Also, she’s the star of Twilight, so yeah.

Bella walks up the school steps in pointless slo-mo, where she’s accosted by an adorably dorky Asian guy. He introduces himself as Eric, head of the school paper, and very nicely offers to show her around school. She says no, but he tells her he’s all set to do a feature on her for the paper. Understandably, Bella gets embarrassed and says no thanks, to which Eric (seriously) advises her to “chillax”.

Heeheehee, this guy is so cute! Plus, Bella’s not sneering at him like in the book, which is nice.

Cut to (oh dear), P.E class—uh, I mean Gym. The students are playing volleyball, but Bella, who in the movie is actually clumsy rather than just having the clumsiness as an Informed Flaw, screws up and whacks some guy in the head with the ball. Luckily for her though, the guy turns around, and the instant he looks at her you can literally see the little “Hot Chick!” sign flick on over his head.

Hey, this guy’s cute, too! And nice! This makes three friendly, sweet guys to be introduced so far. And Bella’s managed to have a Meet Cute with all three of them. It’s like she’s got a Potential Boyfriend Mega-Magnet in her skull or something. Goodness knows there’s plenty of room.

Our latest love struck teen introduces himself as Mike, but while he’s busy getting ready to hit on Bella, a girl runs up and introduces herself as Jessica—with just a hint of possessiveness toward Mike. See what I mean? The acting here really is good. You can really buy these kids as genuine teens, from the acting to the dialogue.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“OMG, I totally can’t wait to do our big Wildcats number!”

You know who we have to thank for this, of course—director Catherine Hardwicke, who had already shown she had a real flair for making movies about teens. She did a brilliant job here, so naturally, they fired her before the sequel started filming.

Bella makes a joke, and gets some convincingly fake laughter from Jessica and a quick eyebrow jiggle from Mike. I just know they’re gonna be BFFs!

We cut to Bella in the canteen—um, I mean the lunchroom, surrounded by her collection of suitors and hangers-on. The boys are already subtly fighting over who gets her, and good fuck, this girl is a huge Mary Sue. As if to emphasise the point, a black kid who we’ve never seen before darts over and gives Bella a quick kiss on the cheek before running off, taking Mike’s chair with him and leaving Bella (and us) wondering just who the hell he is.

You know, for a small-town high school, this place is very multicultural. We haven’t even met the Hispanic girl yet. This is a change for the movie, by the way. Just how many people live in Forks anyway?

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Oh, I forgot to tell you: Our school doesn’t have a sexual harassment policy, sugar tits.”

Ah—speak of the devil—the Hispanic girl shows up at this point and takes a quick photo of Bella. She turns out to be Eric’s partner on the school paper, but he rudely smacks her down over the planned article on Bella before leaving. Okay, there’s being attracted to someone, and then there’s just plain being a creep.

Bella kindly helps Hispanic Girl by suggesting they do an article on eating disorders or “swimsuit stuffing on the swim team”. I’m being serious here, guys.

For some weird reason, Hispanic Girl thinks this is a great idea, but before we get yet another introduction, Bella notices some people passing the window outside. Some dynamic music starts up, so you know we’re in for something special.

“Who are they?” Bella asks (this is actually the track title of the music now playing, in case you’re interested).

Hispanic Girl answers that they’re “the Cullens”—the adopted children of someone called Doctor Cullen. As they file in through the door, Jessica—now in full-on gossip mode—introduces them for us while scandalously noting that, despite being adopted siblings, they’re all “together”. Like, “together, together”.

Contestants one and two are Rosalie—a hot blonde—and Emmet, a big tough-looking guy. They’re a couple. And damn, they’re hot.

Numbers three and four are a pixyish girl called Alice and a waiflike blonde guy called Jasper, whom Jessica accurately describes as looking like he’s in pain. Dude, from now on I want Jessica to voiceover an introduction for everyone I meet.

Alice and Jasper are also a couple.

Then comes the last Cullen—Edward, played by Robert Pattinson. And… well, okay, he’s not bad-looking at all. If only they’d let him keep the British accent. Those are totally hot.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Dude, I’m so hot I turn myself on.”

Jessica notes that Edward is the only bachelor in the Cullen family, but he doesn’t date, which is Sick and Wrong because he’s so gorgeous. Good-looking people should never be single! Never, I tell you! In the book, Bella guesses that Jessica must have asked him out and been rejected. Here, it’s given to us solely on the power of the Jessica actress’ really decent performance. You see? You really don’t need a voiceover for everything, filmmakers!

Bella checks out the Cullens as they sit together at a table, looking like very pale models. Edward gives her a brooding look, which will remain firmly in place for pretty much the entire movie.

Caption contributed by Jet

Hey, I just noticed something: Edward’s the only one not wearing white. Nice bit of symbolism there, movie.

Cut to biology class, where there’s a fan going. Which makes total sense, since heavy rain = muggy atmosphere. Bella enters and stands in front of the fan in slow-mo. The wind goes straight to a seated Edward, who does this hilarious “who farted” thing and holds his nose. Unfortunately Bella sees him do it. Awkward!

Caption contributed by Jet

Robert Pattinson makes yet another weak attempt to hide his sheer contempt for this story.

And what luck—she winds up sitting right next to the impolite hot guy. I foresee another Meet Cute!

Edward very slowly pushes over a couple of microscope slides and sits there looking like he’s about to hurl. Bella surreptitiously sniffs her hair, which made me laugh. Then she looks at Edward, and the two exchange looks. Meet cute! Meet cute! Oh, wait, I think I jumped the gun here. Move along.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

Does this even need a caption?

Time passes, and we get a quick shot of the teacher doing his thing in front of the whiteboard. If you’re fast enough, you can see he’s drawn a diagram of a flatworm. We then get an utterly ridiculous shot of Edward where the camera is positioned so that the wings of the stuffed owl behind him appear to be sprouting from his shoulders.

I guess the owl must have flown in from the set of I Know Who Killed Me, ready to inflict even more painful symbolism on us. That fiend.

Caption contributed by Jet

Yeah, I wasn’t kidding about that.

Unable to take the dumbness any more, Edward gets up and storms out, just as the bell rings.

Later on, Bella walks into the office to find him there arguing with the receptionist and demanding to be moved into a different class. How rude! (I have to note, though, that despite the fact that he didn’t receive any voice training for this role, Pattinson’s American accent isn’t bad at all).

The receptionist turns Edward down, and he glares at Bella and storms out. Again. Man, what a jerk! All he’s done so far is gag, glare, complain, and stomp out of places! I wouldn’t go out with him if you paid me to do it!

Wait, wait. Hold up there, Jet. He’s hot, you idiot! Just think for a moment, will you?

Right, let’s take a tally. So far we’ve met Jacob, who’s cute, helpful, and friendly. We’ve also met Eric, who’s cute in a dorky way, helpful, friendly, and nice. We’ve met Mike, who’s adorable, nice, and welcoming. And we’ve met Edward, who’s smoking hot goddamn it, and a standoffish jerk. Also, out of all those guys, he’s the only one who’s secretly an undead killing machine who’s murdered people and sucked their blood.

Okay, so out of all those guys, Edward is obviously the one I’m meant to go for, so… Edward wins! Because he’s totally hot you gize, srsly!

Commencing fangirl drooling…

Oh, right, the movie.

Arya

[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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