• Agonizer / Text / For Those Times When You Can't Lick An Ashtray

Tobacco Flavored Vodka Exists, And Someone Needs To Suffer For This

Tobacco Flavored Vodka Exists, And Someone Needs To Suffer For ThisYou know how it is. You mention that you heard a thing on NPR about Hello Kitty Beer, and suddenly you’re the disgusting flavored alcohol correspondent. (This is almost certainly how Victoria Jackson got a job on SNL.) So now I have been tasked with telling you good decent people about this thing that actually exists called “Ivanabitch Tobacco Flavored Vodka.” I must plead a certain degree of ignorance, as I am not a fan of either A) Tobacco, or B) Vodka. Then again, from the idiot dudebro name to the Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans cachet of the flavoring — both regular tobacco and menthol — everything about this product insists that it’s designed as a one-time novelty / challenge purchase anyway, so that people can spend $20 and say “Yeah, I tried that tobacco vodka.” You can’t really imagine more than a few people really developing a taste for it, but with a range of other more conventional fruit flavored vodkas, it’s a way to get the brand name known.

The brave souls at Foodbeast tried it. Their verdict:

1. This tastes EXACTLY like cigarettes. Sorry, no cupcake-flavored vodka here.

2. There is also a “Menthol” version. For those of you who prefer your cigarette-flavored liquor to carry a minty aftertaste.

3. The company that makes it describes itself as “fun, irreverent and yes, a little insane. OK, more than a little insane. Was it the liquor? Perhaps. Was it a marriage of first cousins? More than likely.” We’d expect nothing less from a brand named “IVANABITCH.”

4. If you do decide to take swigs of this curious liquor, just know that you’re going to wake up the next morning with a mouth that tastes like ashtrays. So just make sure you have a pack of mints ready for breakfast.

With regard to the Foodbeasts’ point 3: The Ivanabitch website tries hard, painfully hard, to be wacky and fun in the way that only an ad agency understands “fun.” It is the Bataan Death March of Party Fun Time Whimsy:

We take pride in bringing you a super-premium vodka from Holland. (Yes, Holland. Kind of crazy, we know, but have you tried dealing with Russians?) If it’s that good, then it must be very expensive, right? Hell no. In fact, most retailers sell our product at a well-brand price point. Take advantage of us. We’re cool with that.

It makes you pine for the simple sincerity of Duff-Man, it does.

Heh. Russian names sound like “bitch.”

[Foodbeast / Ivanabitch]

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  • el_donaldo

    Novelty, sure. But it sounds like it might have a medicinal use as a superstrength emetic.

  • actor212

    I miss my little Obi Wan. Boy could knock back shots as fast as his dad in his day. Plus, I think it helped him to live to be 22.

  • x111e7thst

    Makes me want to cut a bitch..

  • actor212

    disgusting flavored alcohol correspondentHave you tried showering, Dok?

  • shastakoala

    Waiting for the face down in the gutter flavor.

  • $160578

    Bah. They still aren’t pushing the envelope enough. Now they should add some e-juice to each bottle. Say 50 ml of 3.6% nicotine.That way you get the taste of an ashtray, the hangover of vodka AND heart palpitations.

  • SullivanSt

    Grey Goose and Ciroc are made in France. Three Olives is made in the UK. I’ve had perfectly decent Spanish vodka in the dim and distant past, too. Why the hell would anyone think that anyone who buys vodka would think vodka from Holland was crazy?

    • $160578

      One of vodka’s appeals is the fact it can be made from lots of different raw materials. Everybody thinks potatoes, but potatoes are a New World plant, introduced into Europe after 1550, while the first recorded Vodka distillery started business in 1174. There are vodka recipes that use wheat, rye, corn, barley, sugar beets, soybeans, sorghum etc. In modern times, it’s even been made from the byproducts of wood pulping and oil refining.Bet that makes you want to down a shot.

      • actor212

        PRO-TIP: Potato vodka gives no hangover headache. Still fucks up your stomach, but not nearly as bad as grain vodka. I recommend Chopin, altho Lusko–…Lukos–…Luksusowa is a fine substitute, just harder to ask for when drunk.The early vodkas are not the vodkas we think of. They were more of a grain brandy, much like brandywine, and was used as a medicine as it was only 28 proof. It wasn’t until the 1700s that the vodka we’ve come to know, and love and worship, was developed.

  • PubOption

    Would it make a good ‘Hair of the Dog’ cure?

  • ihale

    Still better than whiskey.

  • willi0000000

    reminds me of the time a young lady in a bar commented to me “kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.”must have been the perfect stage of buzzed because i immediately shot back “i’ll have to remember that the next time i’m lonely.”