New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical

We are SO HYPED for this hot new Christian flick, Persecuted. Look at the high-profile cast: Dean Stockwell! Fox’s Gretchen Carlson! Motherfucking Fred Thompson. Bruce Davison aka the guy that turned to goo in the first X-Men movie and didn’t get invited back for the upcoming reboot! BOOM. We are going to be so evangelical by the time this thing is done.

What is your new favorite film about? Did you guess “some nonsense imaginary fever-dream that Christians are the persecuted minority, yet also the very majority and backbone, of America?” DING DING DING DING YOU ARE A WINNER.

The new movie Persecuted opening in May 2014 depicts evangelist John Luther as the last obstacle in the way of sweeping religious reform. When a Senator frames Luther for the murder of an innocent teenage girl, an unprecedented era of persecution is unleashed. An evangelist turned fugitive, Luther’s mission brings him face-to-face with the coming storm of persecution that will threaten the entire Christian community in America.

Will those devious not-Christians stop at nothing? Every day in America, conservative Christians are dragged from their beds and framed for murder, all so that we will not follow their Christlike message of hating teh gheys and shaming the slut-women.

Cue lots of raspy-voiced earnest white people! Cue James Remar, a solid Hey It’s That Guy! actor, doing lots of steely-eyed flinty-faced expressions to show his commitment to Jesus. Cue newly-bearded priest Fred Thompson!

Persecuted_Movie

Oh, Fred. You are probably SO MAD you didn’t get the lead in this thing. You know who is not mad? Gretchen Carlson, who (probably) got some sweet-ass Christian coin to basically play Gretchen Carlson.

Persecuted_Movie

Oh my god, how can you see this film RIGHT NOW? First you have to pray it will do well, duh. Next, you have to watch a 9-minute (!!!) bit of hectoring by the director and Gretchen Carlson about how freedom of religion blah blah blah under threat movie will save us all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb-mV4KhHUU

Did we mention it is nine minutes long? If you make it seven minutes in or so, a preacher man will come cry at you about how Christians never get access to Congress, because that is totally true. You also need to agree to drag your entire church group or soccer team or Duggar-sized family to this thing because you know no one else will go.

Persecuted_Movie

We cannot BELIEVE this didn’t get released in time for Oscar nominations for this year! Oh well. It will definitely sweep next year for sure, because this thing will be full-on box office boffo.

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  • Paul J

    Any more of this and we will feed them to the lions.

  • James McCarty Yeager

    from a film standpoint, sounds like dead careers walking. even busloads of methheads (with pastors!) cannot make this film make money.

    • temporarily’tom’

      but. Harry Dean Stanton? That kinda breaks my heart a little. Jump! Jump Scott Bakula. Jump to save your friend!

      • msanthropesmr

        Look at those assholes, ordinary fucking people. I hate ’em.

        • Guest

          That’s Dean Stockwell. And I always get them confused, too.

          • temporarily’tom’

            damn. you’re right. It’s that ‘dean’ thing what always trips me up

  • WOLVERINES!!!

  • Red_cted

    Isn’t it spelled p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e-d though?

  • TJW

    I love a good comedy! This one looks like a load of laughs!

  • ErikViker

    “Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight!Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.” – – J. Stewart

  • this persecution bill against christians–where do i sign up? can i lobby my members of congress to pass it? is there a kickstarter?

    • peteywheats

      For the next 24 hours all donations of lions will be matched lion-for-lion!

  • athenap

    Hey, is this that same storm they were worried about with teh_gheyz from Prop 8 or something? Because I did not know unto now that teh_gheyz are so good at making the weather.

  • JParkerSD46

    Wow! I can’t WAIT to completely miss this one. Poor, persecuted, disrespected and oppressed Christians. No wonder they’re always skulking around, hiding their faces and holing up in their “church” places. Around here, we form mobs of pitchfork and flaming torch carriers so we can persecute them even more. Doesn’t everyone?

  • Outpost Zeta

    I feel bad the Dean Stockwell is in this. No one from Blue Velvet should have to be in this crap.

    • I thought Dean Stockwell was dead. Not sure this is better.

      • temporarily’tom’

        Well, he is now i guess

    • Ambignostic

      Candy-colored clown.

  • Outzie

    hey hey hey … that new ad with the Russian language on it? It doesn’t say ‘ponies ain’t cheap.’ It says “guys not open,” or something like that. What you trying to say?

  • Deborah Tinsley

    Isn’t thst James Remar, Dexter’s dad, in the clip? Guess since Dexter ended, he’s been looking for a gig.

  • temporarily’tom’

    Wow! It’s a fucking Chrismas Miracle.. (now without Santorum)

  • Angela Walker

    Poor James Remar. From “The Warriors” to “Dexter” to this piece of offal.

    • msanthropesmr

      Can you dig it?

    • Jaime Oria

      And he was fired from Aliens and replaced by Michael Biehn.

  • msanthropesmr

    One can only hope for an invisible market hand smackdown.

  • $73376667

    Dean Stockwell

    Reprising his role as Father Cavil…

  • Adam Griffith

    The original working title was “Whiny-ass titty babies” until Frank Luntz stepped in.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Cue newly-bearded priest Fred Thompson!“This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.””Sorry, what movie are we making again?”

  • lalameda

    What’s that plot line again? An atheist Senator frames a Christian? First of all you don’t get elected to the Senate in America if you are an atheist. Second, Fred Thompson as a priest? Haahahahahahah

  • Ambignostic

    I like the part where a Senator (or what-have-you) pressures the preacher to endorse his legislation. Ha ha, like televangelists actually need to be strong-armed to push a political agenda.

  • Craig Gooding

    I wonder if anyone within 10 miles of this production knows that “John Luther” is the lead character in the British TV series “Luther”, and that he’s a foreigner. And black.

    • cleos_mom

      An actor in Godless Europe? Not very likely.

  • gingerland62

    Guns and Bibles, Just like Duck Dynasty.

  • Rick Hill

    Oh boy. A movie that is in no way going to push some delusional believer(haha. as if you can find such a thing) into believing this movie is a factual accounting causing them to feel the need to exact revenge by shooting some persecuting fool.

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    • cleos_mom

      …. and you’ll be sitting pretty after you get your degree as a Doctor’s Nurse’s Orderly’s Assistant’s Assistant from Cheatumandhow University.

  • Froggage

    Had no idea so many formerly quasi-legit actors had run out of blow money.

  • Eldergothfather

    LOL Gretchen Carlson the epitome of blonde bimbage not only for Fox but for blondes everywhere….

    • Enfant Terrible

      I’d say that playing herself is a stretch for Ms. Carlson.

  • José-Ariel Cuevas

    The cast! Oh my, they have some respectable IMDB pages!

  • Zhu Bajie

    Is the hero accompanied by his pet rattlesnake? Will he speak in tongues?

  • Dolmance

    Gretchen Carlson reminds me of that big blonde who blows Joe Pesci in the parking lot in Casino. Actually, every one of those ghastly women on Fox News reminds me of a prostitute in Casino.

  • Roger_of_Arabia

    I’m so excited! I just went on the “Persecuted” website and committed to buy 1,000 tickets so they can bring the blockbuster movie to Dubai. I plan on inviting Sheikh Mohammed to opening night.

  • Haribo Lector

    I assume that this movie is set in Opposite Land, which I also assume would be a terrible place to live if you were a wealthy, white, male, heterosexual Christian.

  • GarColga

    There’s also another right-wing movie called “Persecuted” coming out:http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/there-are-two-christian-right-movies-called-persecuted-coming-out-year

  • cleos_mom

    This will run about the same time as Sonofgod, with Jesus looking remarkably like a young guy who lives in Dallas or Phoenix.

    • Jaime Oria

      I’ll just leave this here –