The Bachelorette: Punches & Punchlines

 

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Wakey-wakey, Kaitlyn! We kick of week two of The Bachelorette in bed with our newly solo star, except she seems to be possessed by the spirit of dearly departed Britt because she’s sleeping in full studio makeup. She rolls out of bed to be interviewed by Host Chris Harrison, who thinks she’s been making out with her suitors a tad indiscriminately like she’s a guy or something. But Kaitlyn is unrepentantly kiss-positive and promises lots more tongue twisting to come.

We take a quick peek inside the boys’ mansion, where they’re all drinking mimosas and stirring up drama like they’re girls or something. Specifically, the guys on Team Kaitlyn are all “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” to the gents who preferred Britt.

Speaking of, we’re not done with double reject Britt just yet. She’s in her hotel room, crying into the phone to her mom like she’s a girl or something, when lo and behold, there is a knock on the door! It’s Mr. Melodies himself, Brady, Captain of Team Britt! If you think he is not wearing skinny jeans and a sweatshirt around his waist, you are wrong. They hug on the show, then immediately unleash a deluge of kissy photos on Instagram in real life. They’re together and happy and in love and everything! Who needs a full season to find your soul mate? Not Britt, that’s for sure! Once she only had one contestant to choose from, she somehow zeroed right in on the guy for her.

"I fell in love first! This means I win, right?"

“I fell in love first! This means I win, right?”

Back to the main event. C-Harr tells us there will be three dates: two ménages and a one-on-one.

The first group date is:

  • Daniel the Fashion Designer
  • Personal Trainer #2 Ben
  • Personal Trainer #3 Justin
  • Love-Man Jared
  • One of the Coreys
  • Whoever Tanner Is
  • Kupah the Entrepreneur
  • Sponsor Dad Ben

Hey, you know that sport where literally the only objective is to physically injure your opponent and knocking them unconscious is considered the best possible thing you can do? No, not women’s gymnastics. This is a boxing date.

Poor Kaitlyn pummels us with all the cheesy boxing puns the producers make her say, and then it’s off to the ring. Hey, it’s celebrity guest and boxing trainer Laila Ali, daughter of Muhammad Ali.

"Because the best way to prove your love for a woman is physical violence."

“Is everyone ready to prove your love for this woman through physical violence?”

The guys proceed to train, sadly without the help of montage set to a 1980s power ballad. How can they possibly expect to beat Clubber Lang now? Entrepreneur Kupah seems to think he’s actually there to train, not to flirt, and Kaitlyn is pretty put out by the lack of attention.

But maybe Kupah has it right, because the men are actually going to have to fight each other.

Up first, Personal Trainer #2 Ben beats up Daniel the Fashion Designer, as you might imagine.

Personal Trainer #3 Justin fares less well against Whichever Corey This Is.

Then Love-Man Jared tops Sponsor Dad Ben; Tanner and Kupah apparently take each other out; and Personal Trainer #2 Ben beats down Whichever Corey.

Now the championship fight: PT2 Ben against Love-Man Jared. Ding, ding, ding! Float like a butterfly, sting like a—

I bet that stings a lot more than a bee.

I bet that stings a lot more than a bee.

Holy shit, PT2 Ben sends Love-Man Jared to the hospital.

"I beat up all the other guys. That means I own her now, right?"

“I beat up all the other guys. That means she belongs to me now, right?”

After that, we unceremoniously move on to the cocktail party, sans Jared. All the other guys wisely give PT2 Ben a wide berth, allowing him some alone time with Kaitlyn to talk about his mom passing away.

Kaitlyn gets a mysterious note: “Come downstairs right now. I need to see you.” It’s Jared with the cockblock! A bold move since we already know who would win a fight. Kaitlyn gives him an unconvincing kiss, and Jared delivers his knockout line: “My head may hurt, but my heart has never felt better.” KAPOW!

Somehow, Kaitlyn is able to resist his charms and delivers the first rose to Undefeated Champion of the World PT2 Ben. How’s that heart feeling now, Jared?

"Actually, my heart is much healthier now that I've-- You weren't talking to me, were you?"

“Actually, my heart is much healthier now that I’ve– You weren’t talking to me, were you?”

Back at the mansion, the one-on-one date card arrives for Some Blond Dude Clint. It reads, “You take my breath away,” which we soon learn means they will be taking underwater engagement-style photos. Kaitlyn and Clint get a bit closer with every pic. Clint is very cute, but kinda vanilla. They have a nice date, and he gets rosed.

Group date #2 is similar to the first group date, except it’s comedy instead of boxing. Again we have a celebrity guest to coach the guys, and this time it’s Amy Schumer. The guys better study up, because there will be a competition.

Amy loves Kaitlyn because, of course, Kaitlyn is cool as shit. Sadly, romance does not ensue.

NOW KISS!!!

NOW KISS!!!

J.J. the Banker is very excited because standup comedy has always been a dream of his, as it is for most bankers. Amy Schumer immediately starts messing with him, but is so sure he is the smartest guy around that he can’t pick up on the fact he is being mocked.

Who else is on the date? Cupcake Dentist Chris, Moonshine Joe, Cute Iowa Joshua, Yoga Healer Douche Tony, Ian the Flash, and Detroit Dad Jonathan.

Who’s funny?

Well, Amy Schumer, for one. For another… Cupcake Dentist Chris maybe a little bit? Oh, and Moonshine Joe makes fun of his own accent, and it’s kinda cute.

"For some reason, women tend to laugh more when my shirt's off."

“Women say I’m funnier without my clothes on. Or at least they tend to laugh more. That’s pretty much the same thing, right?”

You know who sucks? Yoga Healer Douche Tony. He delivers a weird, self-promotional, motivational talk that he probably gives a lot and isn’t funny at all.

After the comedy competition, it’s cocktail party time. Kaitlyn quickly attaches herself to Cute Iowa Joshua, who’s a welder and a self-proclaimed “love virgin,” meaning he’s never been in love or in a long-term relationship.

Tony, unfortunately, gets a turn to talk and tells Kaitlyn, “You showed a side of me today.” I don’t… I have nothing.

Kaitlyn and J.J. chat about his three-year-old daughter, and they kiss. He is confident he is the one for her and the rose will be his, but then Kaitlyn kisses Ol’ Moonshine Joe, too. “Well I’ll be,” he drawls, and he does have a sexy accent.

BUT THEN Kaitlyn gives the rose to J.J. Boooo! I’m sure he will make an ass of himself soon enough.

Back at the mansion, the guys get one more chance to mingle with Kaitlyn pre-rose ceremony. The gentlemen with roses already decide to be gentlemen and let the guys who have not had time with Kaitlyn “have at her” first. Or, at least, that’s the plan. But as soon as she walks in, J.J. steals her away because he’s a dick. He is a tool that wants to be a villain.

Ian the Flash manages to steal Kaitlyn away for a few moments and tells her about the car crash that almost cost him his life. He is very earnest, and they kiss. You go, Ian!

Kupah (who initially wanted Britt for a trophy wife) is concerned that he has not made an impression yet. He calls her out, implying that she is keeping him there to fill a racial quota. Well, that’ll make an impression, no doubt. But Kaitlyn calls him right back out, asking why he was the only guy that didn’t talk to her at all on the group date. He is trying to express himself, but he keeps insulting her and pressuring her and saying very obnoxious things. She tells him she felt a connection with him… UNTIL NOW. She’s not taking any shit, and I really am so happy for her. She tells him she has to let him go, and he acts SURPRISED!

It's the combination of aggressive and whiny that women find so irresistible."

It’s the combination of aggressive and whiny that women find so irresistible.”

But wait… Kupah isn’t defeated yet. He has one more gem. Looking her in the eye and speaking from the heart, he says, “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.” Creepy creepy creepy. This guy does NOT get it!!! No means no, Kupah! Go home!!!!!!

Kupah starts yelling at the producer, the camera guy, anybody. Finally, Kaitlyn’s had enough and she charges outside to confront him again. Oy. What a cliff-hanger!

But the show’s not 100% over just yet. First we get a happy update on Britt and Brady, who are now a happy couple. Now we can all go to sleep happy.

TV Show: The Bachelorette

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