Super Friends! “The Mysterious Moles” (part 2 of 8)

Our episode proper begins with our Trio of Tedious Irritation riding bikes through a rather badly done background drawing of trees. Seriously, it looks like something done in watercolors. Wendy is riding by herself, and Marvin is on a bicycle built for two, with Wonder Dog riding in what most bikers would call the “bitch position”.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

Ted comes on to narrate, telling us that our trio is… well, this will be shocking to all, but they’re stopping for a rest break. Like most omniscient narrators, Ted (as much as I love the guy) is about as welcome as a scorching case of herpes. By the end of this, you’ll be praying for Ed Asner to come in and tell him to shut the hell up. Trust me.

Marvin exposits by way of a map drawn in the dirt that they’re in the middle of “Cave County”, to which Wendy remarks she’d like to come back some time to explore some caves. You know, because it’s not like they’re here right now, and have nothing better to do.

Wonder Dog notices some bird-like tracks, and since he and his two buddies are knockoffs of Scooby Doo, Wendy exclaims, “Jeepers!” at the sight of them.

Oh, Wendy? A message just came for you from some chick named Velma. She says you’re not fooling anyone, and she wants a royalty check in three days, otherwise Scooby and Shaggy will come over to your house and raid the fridge.

Caption contributed by Ed

This new version of Duck Hunt is frigging weird!

They go to investigate the tracks, but notice their bikes have been moved. Well, not really. The tree and boulder they were near just aren’t there anymore. Marvin says that “someone moved our things”, though we haven’t seen them with anything other than their bikes, which are right in front of them. I guess I was right about the paste-eating thing.

Caption contributed by Ed

Keep scratching, Marvin, maybe you’ll activate your brain. I’d bet your life on it, in fact.

Actually, the idea is that there’s now a house in the background, and Marvin’s map that he drew in the dirt is gone, but the script is so shoddily written, you end up being just as confused as Marvin and Wendy. That’s not a fun place to be, folks. You’re better off stranded in the desert with no water than being on the same wavelength as these two.

Wendy points out that someone must have moved the boulder and tree that the bikes were near, to which Marvin says, “How can anyone move a tree?”

Marvin, Superman just sent an urgent message for you. It reads, “Marvin, you’re a retard. P.S.: I am writing this with one hand while holding an oak tree in the other, you stupid shit bucket.”

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They go back and report the incident to the Super Friends, and I have to say, for a guy with all kinds of ridiculous powers, Superman can be quite the skeptical dick at times. Robin also gives them a bit of a hard time. You know you’re a loser when you’re taking shit from a guy in green dolphin shorts, a domino mask, elf shoes, and a piss yellow cape.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

Batman volunteers to check it out, to which Aquaman snarks that they just want to go off for a ride in the country… which would lead me to some seriously filthy jokes if I had more time. Wonder Woman remarks that it’s a beautiful day, and we get out first small taste of what I like to call “Super Friends Logic”.

One of the hallmarks of this show is characters coming to conclusions that only a desperately insane man wearing a tinfoil hat would come to. And even then he would need to be suffering from a severe concussion.

The “beautiful day” comment prompts Superman to note that it’s a very warm day for certain factories, and it turns out there’s been a rash of stolen air conditioning units recently. Oh, if only this was the ‘60s live action Batman, we’d get Mr. Freeze as the culprit, and I’d actually have something to laugh at.

The buildings affected are shown on surveillance cameras, and Aquaman exposits that the police have no clues to go on, which takes us back to Cave County.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

The Batmobile comes into frame, and the Dynamic Duo gets out, along with the Tedious Trio. Marvin and Wendy are shocked to see the place is just the way they left it, with no tree or boulder, and Batman and Robin are equally puzzled. Robin is still skeptical, and they head over to the house to ask the owners if they saw anything.

The house belongs to Mr. and Mrs. Maximus Mole, who I would imagine are somewhat mysterious, if the episode title is accurate. But then again, I originally thought this episode was going to teach me how to check my skin for signs of melanoma.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

Batman rings the bell (which for some reason is in the middle of the door), and a sour looking woman who sounds like Roseanne and looks like Rosie O’Donnell (think of that combo and try not to gag) answers the door.

Batman asks about the tree and boulder, and Mrs. Mole is less than pleasant, insisting there’s never been anything like that on the property. She slams the door shut, and Batman is ready to call it a day, and so they drive off.

Caption contributed by Ed

“No, I can’t get you Tom Arnold’s autograph, now go away!”

As soon as they’re gone, Mrs. Mole signals to the woods, and an older man (Mr. Mole, I would guess) signals back. Mr. Mole then tells the tree next to him not to drop the cooling unit in its branches. The tree obliges and follows the man, as does the boulder next to him.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

Yes, these are our villains: A redneck couple and some ambulatory foliage. I think we just found the difference between ‘80s animation and ‘70s animation. In the ‘80s, the writing teams were on enough cocaine to kill a small horse. During the ’70s, though, it’s pretty clear the writing team had a muse by the name of Mary Jane.

Back at HQ, our heroes exposit about the A/C thefts. The Dynamic Duo enters, and the same ground covered earlier is covered again. I guess when you’re a writer and you have 45 minutes of show to fill and are beginning to feel the munchies coming on, you tend to repeat yourself. Uh, not that I’ve ever had that problem.

Marvin mentions the bird tracks, and I have to say I’m loving how skeptical Batman is right here. You can just feel the sarcasm oozing out of every word. Not deterred by the doubts of a man dressed as a flying rodent, Wendy suggests she and Marvin go back to the forest to find some clues. And being sensible enough to know that natural selection will eventually run its course, the Super Friends let them do it.

Suddenly, they’re alerted by something Aquaman refers to as “the Troubalert”. I never thought I’d hear something more stupid than putting a “Bat” prefix on everything in sight.

They speak with an Air Force officer named Colonel Wilcox, who reports that the A/C unit from “the Government Research Laboratory” has been stolen. I guess it’s really hard to think up actual names for places when you’re as high as these writers. Just say no, kids.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 2 of 8)

Wierdly, the Colonel fades out so the team can get a look at the damage. Aquaman yells, “Great Neptune!”, because he’s from an underwater city and all. It turns out the unit was custom-made for the medical lab, and due to the damage, work on preventing a vague worldwide epidemic has been halted. Superman says they’ll help out, and Wilcox fades out.

I’d try to work out how the technology works on this show, but then someone else would have to write this article. I find it hard to write with an exploded head. Kind of dampens my creativity.

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles"

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