Summer 2017: Terrible websites react

There have been some pretty great movies this summer. The Marvel offerings were not only lots of fun but well-constructed. (Except, why did Kurt Russell’s brain actually look like a biologically human brain? About 25% of my waking thoughts are about nothing but that.)

DC somehow (Zack Snyder didn’t direct it) released a fantastic backstory about someone I consider just a wonderful woman.

Even the less than great movies—Pirates of the Caribbean, that Planet of the Apes thing, The Mummy—were more uninspired than actually bad.

The really bad movies—Alien Covenant, Valerian, Transformers, and the godforsaken Emoji Movie—had the good manners to disappear without much of an argument.

Image reused without the permission of Screen Rant. But tell me you wouldn’t watch a movie about Baby Groot and Wonder Woman beating up the three in the back.

Some great films that don’t have superheroes—Baby Driver, Detroit, Dunkirk, Logan Lucky—have been fantastic surprises, like when you play that claw game and actually manage to grab a completely unlicensed Calvin and Hobbes doll.

And yet, the internet doesn’t always agree. There are some people out there with some very different opinions. And I hope they never come to my house.

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1. Nazis have problems with… Spider-Man?

You’d expect the white nationalists of Stormfront to dislike Hollywood in general because of something something Jews. You probably wouldn’t be surprised that Dunkirk gets a solid thumbs down for being anti-German. Wonder Woman‘s Gal Gadot is Jewish, which understandably makes them mad. She’s also Israeli, which causes them to clutch their chests and sob into their robes. But the weirdest thing is that they’ve taken the time to absolutely hate Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Now, sure, some of the producers and writers are the Jews. Stan Lee was born Stanley Martin Lieber. That’s cause for revolution right there. But that’s not their main problem with the webslinger. Their main problem is he’s too black.

You can see the reason for their concern.

Stormfront commenter “Ghost of Otto” starts the ball rolling with the dire warning, “Spider-Man Homecoming is anti-white propaganda, stay away!” He explains his meaning:

Others approve, noting that Zendaya is black (she’s mixed), that Peter’s love interest is, according to fellow commenter “Love White Race”, a negress, and that even the bad guy is in an interracial marriage. They circle back around to Laura Harrier’s character, calling her a “mixed-race teen pickaninny”, because they just want to fill the world with love.

Nobody explains exactly why having black people in the movie is bad or how it makes the movie anti-white. By their reasoning, my two front teeth are anti-tomato because they’re not made of tomato.

Just to be clear, the Nazis are strongly against Laura Harrier’s skin tone. I, however, am strongly against having to look away from this picture.

User “Jawbone” sums up the argument like this: “Today’s Spiderman – Obama approved!” He wrote those words on July 28, six months after Obama left office.

2. Fans love sex with the Transformers.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every movie finding itself in the public consciousness is in want of weird, erotic slashfic. I, myself, am a humble fan of Rule 34. I personally enjoy Sam/Cat as, I’m sure, all healthy 46-year-old men do. My doctoral thesis was actually titled, “Girl Meats World: Some of the Cast are Legal Now”.

So, when one goes to Fanfiction.Net, one generally knows what to expect. Of the couple of hundred titles, one shouldn’t be surprised that there are 399 stories about High School Musical, while the X-Men give us 161 stories. One person even felt compelled to write a Roman Holiday/Sabrina story, which was uploaded in 2010, just in time for the movies’ 57th anniversaries.

Jesus Christ, internet.

All of these properties seem rife for sexifying, what with the entire cast being human and all. But all of them put together don’t match the 2,405 slash-fics involving the Transformers at ArchiveOfOurOwn. And that’s just the Michael Bay movies. Total Transformers stories at that site are 21,795. That’s like if every person at Arthur Ashe Stadium wasn’t allowed to watch tennis until they finished a story about robots who turn into trucks who turn into rapists.

Some of my favorite lines (from three different authors):

“Hot Rod slipped his tongue into her mouth and he French kissed her.”

“Ironhide licked his lips at the sight, his earlier discomfort banished by her clear confidence…. She kissed his spike when she was close enough, the touch of her lips like warm pickles against the sensors.”

“As Scavenger’s spike depressurized and slipped free, the Seeker collapsed over onto him, optics off-line and oral lubricant dripping from slack lipplates.”

WARNING: The above content may be… just confusing.

And it goes on like this for thousands of stories. I admit to being a little out of my element. I always assumed a robot could violate a person. That’s basically 85% of Japanese primetime TV. But Hot Rod having lips? He barely has a face. In any case, I have to try that pickle thing on my pickle thing.

3. Men’s Rights Activists don’t like Dunkirk.

There’s an old joke that goes like this:

On a cold day, a motorist gets a flat tire. He has a spare but he doesn’t have a jack. Spotting a farmhouse in the distance, he starts off for it, thinking these nice people will surely have a jack. As he’s walking, he thinks maybe they’re having dinner and they’ll be inconvenienced by him. Then he decides they might not even open the door. Who are these people to judge him? It’s freezing! How dare they? Finally, he gets to the door and rings the bell. When a nice, elderly woman opens the door, smiling, the motorist yells, “Ah, keep your damn jack!”

And that’s basically the Men’s Rights Movement. These are men who feel taken advantage of by women because they are manipulative, heartless beyoches who men need to dominate in order to get with as many of them as possible. They want women but they feel like they’re being used by women, which makes them want women even more.  And you know it’s a serious movement because they all constantly worry about being placed in the friend zone, a term coined by Joey Tribiani in the episode “The One With the BlackoutAll serious social philosophies originated with Matt LeBlanc.

Absolutely true: Joey also invented the phrase “meat sweats”.

So you would think after carefully digesting the red pill, that you could easily figure out the likes and dislikes of a bunch of guys who believe they’re being denied sex by a worldwide feminist conspiracy. They’d have to hate Wonder Woman because, well, she’s a woman. They’d probably be okay with Baby Driver, where one woman is presented as a distraction that turns her boyfriend crazy and the other has no self-esteem until Ansel Elgort negs her into beta status or whatever the hell words crazy people use.

You probably think that they must absolutely love, love, love Dunkirk: real men fighting manly wars, with not a woman in sight – heroism without any need for Fallopian tubes or body wash or whatever it is the men’s rights people object to.

You would be wrong.

Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop the war! Is somebody here menstruating?

The forum members at A Voice For Men are not happy.

User “Equity” is mad that the casualties at Dunkirk were largely men, writing, “Man, the privileged sex? No sir. The disposable sex is a more apt description.”

But mostly there’s a lot of complaining that if feminists saw this movie, they’d probably disapprove—not that anyone has disapproved, mind you—just that they probably would.

Member “cpb” opines, “Surely at least 50% of the soldiers at Dunkirk were women? Or maybe they all died earlier in the fighting while the useless cowardly men ran away!” Member “unheard” thinks, “They’ll probably do a Doctor Who on this and shows us all how it was women who won the war for us by staying safely at home while nasty men spread their violence.”

In all, it’s two pages of yelling “Keep your damn jack!” at an imaginary farmhouse full of women with their estrogen and curling irons and whatever.

Seriously, who let this bitch out of the kitchen?

4. Conspiraloons are surprisingly accurate movie reviewers.

If I were forced, gun to my head, to name the absolute worst place on the internet, I’d really be surprised. But then I would say with very little hesitation Above Top Secret. This is the place where sanity goes to die.

Among the discussions is this take on the Dali Lama:

Both a fraud and using his platform for his own agenda. Remember funded by both Beijing and CIA – there is only one evil force in this world and he seems to sit on top of it.

This odd view of the Devil:

Satan is indeed the new-age good guy who gave us knowledge, Jesus is the new-age bad guy whose followers started Christianity and ruined the planet.

This question about aliens:

What if – these ‘aliens’ – (or fallen angels as I believe) have found a way to move outside of time and space?

There’s also tremendous worry about chemtrails, lots of talk about Bigfoot, and this conspiracy which I really can’t explain:

There is a coverup in the dental field, regarding the thousands of peoples lives ruined by Root Canal procedures.

This is mixed in with general survivalist stuff, huge tracts where they argue over how exactly to execute George Bush for 9/11, and of course lizard people. As Devil79 puts it:

The Queen is a reptile I won’t be celebrating her jubilee… [I]f you actually look at the evidence there is a good argument that lizard people walk among us.

Weird Al explains it best:

So when it comes to reviewing movies, you’d suspect that the ATS members might have a problem with the global conspiracy and alien mind control in the Avengers universe.  Transformers and Alien both posit huge, history-spanning conspiracies. And the there’s Dunkirk. They could probably spend years arguing over exactly how WWII was staged by Stanley Kubrick to concentrate power in the hands of the Bilderberg Group.

Which is why it comes as a shock to read “Magna Carta“‘s review of Baby Driver:

Just got back from seeing this and I have to say I absolutely loved it. Interesting characters, great acting, an awesome and very cleverly put together soundtrack that’s an integral part of the movie instead of being background noise and overall very well made.

Well that’s downright … normal. Let’s try again with “Bluntone22“‘s evisceration of Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2:

Overall I liked it, but not quite as much as the first one. Lots of good laughs. The bad guy was a little lame in my opinion.

Is Bluntore22 a deep-cover alias for Richard Roeper? And how long did “olaru12” refrain from drinking fluoride to write this about Valerian?

This is a CGI SFX masterpiece, but that’s all. A 2 1/2 hr self indulgent half assed space opera with the most corny script you can imagine.

What is happening to the fabric of space-time? That’s a well-balanced, thoughtful opinion. Surely Dunkirk and its Nazi bad guys has to elicit some sort of crazed rant:

Its simply a tale of survival and escape. But not once was the enemy demonized as you expect or assume. Its more like a subjective silent war movie with the best SFX I’ve experienced in a long time.

Well, at least most of them hated Wonder Woman.

5. If you turn Safe Search off, you get exactly what you deserve.

 

God damn it, internet!

Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

Admitted:
State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Winner:
Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

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  • I know lots of Transformers have lips, but tongues??

    • danbreunig

      The Gobots had both features and then some, because in the show they were technically cyborgs. So, brains of a humanoid alien race saved inside robot bodies that just happen to turn into 20th. Century Earth vehicles.

  • Cristiona

    “But mostly there’s a lot of complaining that if feminists saw this
    movie, they’d probably disapprove—not that anyone has disapproved, mind
    you…”

    Don’t read much Twitter, huh?

  • Deneb T. Hall

    “Surely at least 50% of the soldiers at Dunkirk were women?”

    That… has got to be one of the most jaw-droppingly ignorant statements I’ve ever heard. It’s like indignantly asking why a movie set in Scandinavia in the 1300s doesn’t have any black people in it. I mean, western civilization is FLOODED with movies/books/games/comics/what-have-you set during WW2 – it beggars the imagination that somehow this twerp has never processed the fact that, hey, WOMEN WEREN’T SOLDIERS BACK THEN! Nurses, yes. Pilots, occasionally – more than occasionally, if you count the Russians. The WAC, OK (I’m not sure what they actually did, but I’m pretty sure fighting wasn’t it). But not friggin’ soldiers. Good grief.