Someone Went To The Horrible ‘Hackers And Hookers’ Party So You Didn’t Have To

Our new hero and best friend Maeghan Ouimet went to the ridiculous Hackers and Hookers party over the weekend and was kind enough to write about it for Valleywag. Maeghan Ouimet, we love you.

What is the Hackers and Hookers party, you ask? It was last week’s terrible idea in dudebro tech, soon to be a regular feature here at yr Happy. A genius techpreneur, which is an actual word people are using and oh god kill us now, thought it would be a dandy idea to throw a Halloween party…well, let’s just go to the event poster, shall we?

Someone Went To The Horrible 'Hackers And Hookers' Party So You Didn't Have To

Yes, what a delightful costume concept! Dudes, come as hackers, which, given that you are being invited to a party thrown by a tech startup company, is what many of you already are. Ladies, please come as hookers, because…oh, for fuck’s sake.

Sounds like someone watched “Real Genius” a few too many times:

So was it just like that? Haha it was nothing like that and serves them right.

Dance Floor: Cement warehouse floor with couches lining the walls. Shot Bar: Nope. Food Truck: Owned by a guy that lives at the house. Girls: Probably four total – all fully clothed. The warehouse, to its credit, was huge. There were two floors, one of which was completely empty.

The other was occupied by nearly 20 nerdy coder dudes looking around aimlessly, hoping the whole “girl” promise was actually going to come through. By midnight the place was bumpin’ with the latest top 40 tunes coming out of someone’s Mac and hooked up to a speaker. It felt like that college frat party on the outskirts of town people say they’ll hit up if the other 12 parties happening on campus that night totally suck.

You all attended that party at least once during college, or you threw that party, which is even worse, and you remember the sad soul-sucking feeling, the fun vortex, that colored the whole night. Hopefully if you were the host, you were not as much of a douche as the guy hosting this one, who was dressed in drag because see! funny!

“You’re making a shit-ton more money than we are,” Blocho said to me, seeming to think that because his last job was occupied by 25 people, 4 of whom were men, that women are “taking over the world.” His reasoning? “Women complain to their brothers and boyfriends instead of the boss.” People stared at him before dismissing his threaded eyebrows and “hooker” makeup job. “There were like 134 women that signed up for this thing,” he said. “I thought they were all going to come after me.”

No idea if he thought they would “come after him” as in “lust for his body uncontrollably” or “attack him for being such a douche” or “arrive after him” but good on you, ladies for staying away from this thing in droves.

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  • BigRedDog

    All I can drink beer? Sounds like a challenge!

    • $73376667

      As was pointed out in the comments, for $10 it’s not beer but “beer.”

  • $73376667

    “There were like 134 women that signed up for this thing,”

    Because then you’d stop bugging them about it.

    “I thought they were all going to come after me.”

    COME AT ME, BRO!

  • $73376667

    And the water pressure across the Bay Area dropped as 134 women washed their hair simultaneously…

  • msanthropesmr

    Did I miss something, or were there active disincentives for any woman in their right mind to attend this? I’m no marketing genius, but it seems that advertising “Girls” on a flyer is no way to get them to actually attend an event.

    • Annie Towne

      Clearly the invitation is to boys only (I can’t bring myself to write “men” in this context), as Girls are listed as an attraction, coming lowest on the list after Food Truck, even. Yuck. I suspect the four girls who did show up were paid to do so. At least I hope they were paid a whole lot of money and given stock options, too.

  • Nixon, etc.

    Mary Richards threw better parties than this.