Smart People News: Supreme Court Porno Party

Justice John Marshall Harlan Jr.

  • In which J.F. Sargent of Cracked shares 5 Uncomfortable Truths Behind the Men’s Rights Movement:

    Yes, this shit is internally contradictory and sexist as fuck, but more importantly, it has nothing to do with men. There’s no waxing poetic on the joys of fatherhood, the majesty of a properly groomed beard, or the exquisite joy of scratching your own balls; it’s all just variations of “fuck dem bitches” and “amiright!?” It’s not an ideology, it’s just them feeling bad about themselves and directing that hatred elsewhere … which is exactly how a hate group works. And that’s not just my opinion.

  • In which the Seattle City Council makes all the Poors into Riches by raising minimum wage to $15:

    This is a good sign for the nationwide movement among labor activists to raise the minimum wage. Of course it helps that Seattle has an actual socialist on its city council and is also located among the hippie environs of the Pacific Northwest. Still, this has been a big enough issue that new Seattle mayor Ed Murray had pledged during the campaign last summer to support the hike while his opponent, then-incumbent Mike McGinn, said he would support an even higher number if the city council wanted it.

  • In which Mallory Ortberg of The Toast unleashes a treatise on the X-Men’s Mystique:

    The role of Mystique deserves to be treated with the respect and careful casting that the role of a 150-year-old, venomously angry, lesbian shapeshifting assassin merits. She deserves a spinoff trilogy every bit as expensive as Wolverine Visits Japan. Jennifer Lawrence has a great jawline and seems like she’s a lot of fun at parties; she’s a good actress but she does not have Mystique running in her veins. I want to see a woman who looks like she’s committed murder during the act of sex wearing that blue paintsuit. I want a woman with falcon eyes and a crocodile heart, a balls-out weird woman, a woman who’s spent some time living underground. She deserves to be played by either Tilda Swinton, Eva Green, or Lena Headey, in that order.

  • And Professor Laurence Tribe in Ye Ole Washington Post has things to tell you about when the Supreme Court used to watch porn in the basement for “work”:

    These films ranged from scientific documentaries to the improbable escapades of lesbian nymphomaniacs. Justice Thurgood Marshall, a civil rights hero, took merciless pleasure in narrating the clips for the special benefit of Justice John Marshall Harlan Jr., an elegant former Wall Street lawyer who was by then losing his eyesight. Mocking Justice Potter Stewart’s insistence that “I know it when I see it,” clerks would call out in the dark, “I see it, I see it!” In 1968, some 20 years after serving in the U.S. Navy, a still-youthful Stewart reflected on more adventurous times and confided in a particularly curious clerk that he had indeed seen it, “Just once, off the coast of Algiers.” (I assume you can guess who that curious law clerk was.)

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  • msanthropesmr

    Ball Scratching is a privilege, not a right.

    • Brendan_M

      I pee sitting down in solidarity.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        only when I’m really, really drunk

    • austinburns

      Not all balls.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      it’s sometimes a necessity also too

  • Mahousu

    “Throughout the late 1960s, the justices of the Supreme Court spent at least one day each year in the basement watching porn together. By all accounts, it was fantastically awkward.”And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Wonket chat cave was born.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    so that’s where Clarence Thomas spends all his time- in the basement