Scream Queens: The Swamp Thing

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where all motivations are ridiculously convoluted. As you know, I am tired of recapping this show and am handing the reins over to the one person who loves this show: Chanel Oberlin herself. The Agony Booth is not responsible for any of the mean and hurtful things they say. especially to each other. Take it away, Chanel!

Once again, the Green Meanie tries to attack poor me for no other reason than the fact that I happen to work at a hospital that was the site of some medical negligence in the ’80s. And that I deep fried Nurse Awful’s sister’s face or something.

You’d think that since Nurse Awful is so eager to murder me, that she would just sneak from behind me and stab me in back like a passive aggressive Taylor Swift Instagram post, but her attempts are so terrible that I’m wondering if she lets me live because her hatred of me is the only thing that gives her sad, pathetic underpaid life any meaning.

Dressed as the Green Meanie, she corners me in the dark, sketchy part of the hospital and then sets up a baseball machine to throw balls at my head. Literally. I hadn’t ducked so many balls since my first college frat party.

Three strikes are you’re out, Nurse Awful. Can someone cooler try to kill me instead?

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I get away because Chanel #9 (#10? #11? I don’t keep track of the new uggo minions) wanders by and gets knocked out by a fly ball. And even she doesn’t get killed! She survives to continue working on her little garden behind the swamp and even gives Nurse Awful the idea to build a fertilizer bomb.

Dr. Cascade doesn’t kill #3 either but that’s because he is in love with her and not because he’s an incompetent failure. He tells Nurse Awful that he’s done killing and to stay away from #3. She warns that if he’s not going to join the killings, then he might end up a victim.

By what? Death by ball machine? Nurse Awful should just stick to what she’s good at, which is…nothing.

I find Dr. Holt and make plans for dinner, which confuses him for some reason. Yeah, he tried to choke me and yeah, I don’t satisfy him in bed as well as a certain shriveled hag does but he did help me cheat on my MCATs and we’re the two best looking people on the show so we might as well be together forever. However, that deranged psycho Hester thinks that just because she offers Dr. Holt murder advice and entrance to her back door, he’ll want to join her scheme to take over the C.U.R.E.’s finances.

Hester proposes that if Dr. Holt marries Dean Munsch, he’ll get all the hospital’s money when she kicks the bucket. And when she does, he and Hester can run away to Blood Island, build a tourist destination, and kill tourists whenever they get bored.

He’d ask if she’s crazy but we already know the answer to that.

I had been snooping in Dr. Holt’s Internet browsing history about “cheap engagement rings” and “quickie weddings” but there was nothing about “how to live with the fact that I will be porking a withered hag instead of a cute blonde for the rest of my life” so naturally, I was blindsided by his proposal and quickie marriage to Dean Munsch.

Thankfully, Dr. Holt is sensitive to my broken heart and offers to pose with me for social media updates so I can pretend I still have a hot, doctor boyfriend so I guess I’m fine with his marriage. Hester isn’t because #5 does more research and theorizes that a minor brain surgery can prove that Dean Munsch can be cured once and for all!

She tells Dr. Holt to let his scalpel “slip” during the surgery, but he refuses. However, I am personally ready to “accidentally” spill a scalding pumpkin latte on Dean Munsch’s open brain during the surgery and kill her as revenge for taking Dr. Holt away from me.

Look at that, I’m already a better murderer than Nurse Awful.

Okay, maybe not as good because I missed and got Nurse Awful instead. Still a win in my book.

#5 comes back with the test results and announces that Dean Munsch does not have that cannibal brain disease and is actually severely dehydrated from all the scotch and vodka she drinks. Nurse Awful lures us to the creepy hospital basement under the guise of celebrating the good news but actually, she traps us in a cage and reveals the fertilizer bomb she built.

In hindsight, we should have known that no fun celebrations happen in a creepy hospital basement.

We are almost saved by Zayday and Pregnant Blonde Lady. Zayday convinced Pregnant Blonde Lady to come by the hospital and see all the good it was doing and end the murdering spree and PBL tried to talk Nurse Awful out of her awful plan. But Nurse Awful just shot her and forced Zayday in the cage so now we were really going to do.

Thanks a lot, Zayday. Just when we needed you not to be useless for once in your life, you messed everything up.

Thankfully, we are saved by Denise Hemphill. Nurse Awful stole the nitrogen from Denise’s cryogenic chamber for the bomb but doing so woke Denise up and thanks to her FBI agent skills and repeated viewings of “Quantico”, she was able to defuse the bomb and we are all able to run out of the hospital and catch Nurse Awful.

She threw a machete at #3 but Dr. Cascade jumped in front of her to take the hit. It would be so noble except he could have just pushed her down and they both could have lived. Just saying.

Anyway, Nurse Awful falls into the swamp and after a half-hearted rescue attempt, we leave her to die.

Sorry, not sorry.

So what happens to the C.U.R.E. now that Dean Munsch isn’t dying and we don’t have three murderers on the loose? It actually becomes a decent hospital and Zayday and #5 get real medical credentials so they can run the place. Dean Munsch wants to cash out and start a new life with Dr. Holt, but Hester stole her identity and cleared out Dean Munsch’s bank accounts and started that The Most Dangerous Game-style tourist resort with Dr. Holt just like she wanted.

But Dean Munsch bounces back surprisingly well for a woman her age and starts a sex therapy office in Aspen and spends her free time boning the U.S. Olympic team. Meanwhile, #3 and I achieve fame and fortune by becoming TV doctors. I take over Lovin’ the D and am rich and famous, which is all I really wanted so I’m not too broken up about Dr. Holt.

I know the girls at the end of these horror stories are usually pure and virginal and “good people” but haven’t you noticed that they are usually hot and blonde too? I fulfill those criteria and that’s good enough to keep me alive.

For now.

Thanks for sticking along for the ride, idiot hookers!

Scream Count:

4

 

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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