Jul 30, 2017
Scream Queens Renewed For Season 2, Chanel Oberlin Gives the Scoop
This article was written by Chanel Oberlin, main character of Scream Queen’s season 1. Happy Nice Time People in way endorses the hurtful, politically incorrect, and sometimes downright nonsensical things she says.
Listen up, you idiot hookers! Guess who’s going to be gracing your TV screens once again this fall? Me! And some of the rest of the cast members are also coming back. Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), Zayday (Keke Palmer), Hester (Lea Michele), Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd), and ugh, Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin). I’m sorry for that, you guys. I tried to sabotage her contract renewal by reminding everyone about her horrible personality and the fact that she tried kill Hester and they were like, “Um, Chanel, that was you.”
I know we didn’t think a season 2 was possible. Even though we had Ryan Murphy’s name on the marquee, no one was watching our show. Our ratings sucked more than Hester Ulrich does in the parking lot of a Bennigan’s and Rotten Tomatoes said we were “too tasteless for mainstream viewers and too silly for horror enthusiasts” and ultimately, “fails to satisfy”. “Fails to satisfy?” I don’t fail to satisfy anyone; I’m not Chanel #5. You know, because her vagina has teeth and anyone who has sex with her will definitely not have a “happy ending”?
However, we made up for our lackluster ratings and in DVR viewings and social media engagement. Everything I said was totally quotable and so the Fox execs were like, “We can make some serious cash off this girl!” and I was like, “Of course you can, you hog-faced sluts!” and they were like, “Let’s put that on a T-shirt!”
I always knew I would be famous one day.
Oh right, I’m supposed to talk about what’s going to happen in season 2. Well, I’m going to be there, obviously. I know the rumours said we were going to be at a summer camp setting but then Ryan Murphy changed his mind so we’re going to pick up at a hospital, “where some of the most fascinating and bizarre medical cases are under observation.” Insert your own joke about #5 wacked out vagina and generally terrible sex life here.
Wait, what do you mean this sounds like American Horror Story: Asylum? It’s not set in a asylum, it’s set in a hospital. And if there happens to be some crazy people there, well, that’s just a little crossover in demographics. Can’t your manatee sized brains comprehend that?! WE’RE NOT A KNOCK OFF AMERICAN HORROR STORY, OKAY?!
Anyway, I’ll see you in the fall and you better tune in. I’m not going to be standing in some limbo, twiddling my thumbs and wondering if my show is going to get renewed or not because some dumb gashes would rather watch NCIS: New Orleans or Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. instead of me.
And if you doubt me, just remember exactly what type of show I am on.
See you in the fall, sluts.
Or else I’ll see you fall. Just because I wasn’t the murderer last season, it doesn’t mean that I can’t be the murderer this season.