Scream Queens: OBVIOUS REDRUM SEULC

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where characters change personality depending on how convenient it is for the plot.

I think I’ve figured out why I have such a sweet spot for Chanel #5. No, it’s not because I enjoy the cheap vagina dentata jokes. Although, to be fair, who would have predicted that such an outlandish throwaway line would become a recurring joke? I like Chanel #5 because she’s a perfect example of what a terrible writer Ryan Murphy & Co are.

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In season 1, Chanel #5 was portrayed as a popular sorority girl who was getting Eiffel Tower’ed on the regular by hot twins, but now apparently can’t catch a date. She’s also portrayed as stupid enough to get into a self-locking hydro-therapy tub that leaves her and a C.U.R.E. patient in a vulnerable position when the Green Meanie strikes. But in this episode, when Dean Munsch finds the Chanels standing over Warty Colton Hayne’s dead body and convinces them to dump it in the swamp, #5 is the only one smart enough to know 1) that this is destruction of evidence, and 2) there’s a difference between a swamp and a bog. Bogs preserve things, apparently.

Dean Munsch doesn’t care; C.U.R.E. can’t afford any bad publicity that could get it shut down when Dean Munsch still has that mysterious incurable disease. When Chad’s friend with that screaming disease also gets knocked off by the Green Meanie, Dean Munsch and the Chanels reluctantly pay a visit to Hester in the insane asylum. Hester still demands to be transferred to C.U.R.E., but Dean Munsch and the Chanels attempt to berate her into giving up the name of the killer. Hester cryptically tells Chanel that her skin is dry and she should try some “Esrun cream.”

“Esrun” cream. That’s “nurse” backwards. That’s a pretty obvious clue, right?

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Unfortunately, Chanel can’t see the clue right in front of her nose. Literally.

Chad texts Dean Munsch that he knows who the killer is, and Dean Munsch informs Hester that her services will no longer be required. She got a little too smug too soon because it turns out Chad is accusing Dr. Holt’s evil hand of being the killer to steal back Chanel. Annoyed, Chanel dumps both men and Dean Munsch, er, hand-waves the concerns about the evil hand by ordering Dr. Holt to get another less evil hand transplant. Chad immediately volunteers to perform the surgery, most likely to sabotage it.

Meanwhile, Dr. Cascade and #3 deal with the Patient of the Week, who keeps having spontaneous orgasms, which sounds like the opposite of a problem and like a season 2 “Grey’s Anatomy” episode. Anyway, Dr. Cascade notices #3 is uncomfortable around Orgasming Patient, and #3 confesses that she’s never had an orgasm and didn’t enjoy Hamilton.

I’m not sure which one is more shocking.

Dr. Cascade is sympathetic and reveals to #3 that while she’s dead on the inside, he’s literally dead. He explains that he choked on his vomit after a frat party and died, but somehow came back to life. So far, it’s not a zombie situation (yet) but he’s cold all the time and dogs ignore him, which really does sound like a lonely existence. He suggests that maybe he’s supposed to help #3 enjoy life again.

Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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“I’m only kissing you for science!”

During a game of Scrabble where #5 spells cavity as “cabity” (does her IQ just fluctuate throughout the day?), Zayday figures out the “nurse” and “esrun” connection. The Chanels, Dean Munsch, and Zayday take a trip down to Florida to meet with Nurse Lynn Johnston, a survivor of the 1986 hospital massacre who now sells repackaged Jergen’s lotion under the label “Esrun.”

I guess C.U.R.E. is fine functioning without half of its staff.

Nurse Lynn Johnston explains that he’s been receiving distorted phone calls from a person claiming they will kill at the hospital again. Although Nurse Lynn Johnston says the voice is female and signs point to Pregnant Blonde Lady, everyone thinks the Green Meanie must be her grown-up baby, who would be 30. That narrows down the suspects to Chamberlain the Candy Striper or Chad. Oh yeah, Chad is apparently actually 30, for plot’s sake.

Dean Munsch rushes back to C.U.R.E. to stop Chad from performing the hand surgery on Dr. Holt. Wait, were they really going to let an untrained, obnoxious 30 year old perform surgery on his romantic rival? Ryan Murphy’s logic is terrible, so let’s look at a screencap of a naked John Stamos to ease the pain.

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Ah, much better.

Dean Munsch also tells Chad that she suspects him of being the killer. Why do characters do this? I feel like that’s information you sit on until you’re absolutely sure you have proof so you don’t risk pissing off a violent murderer who wants to cover up their tracks.

Anyway, Dr. Holt tells Chad that he intends on marrying Chanel and banging her forever, so Chad can’t have her. Chad refuses to back down and insists he’s getting Chanel back. He invites Chanel to a local park and hires a mariachi band to serenade them as he gets down on one knee and asks Chanel to… sign a prenup. For Chanel, this is just as a good as an engagement ring and she immediately accepts, even though John Stamos is her other romantic option.

Well, I did say that the characters are often stupid for the sake of plot. In this case, it looks like there’s going to be a murder plot. Dr. Holt spies on the happy couple from afar while looking rather menacing.

Meanwhile, Dr. Cascade and #3 do some sensual yoga, and he helps realign a nerve in her pelvis that will hopefully help her have an orgasm. Dr. Cascade also concludes that Orgasmic Patient must have strained a pelvic nerve, and performs a simple surgery to fix it. Later, he and #3 attempt to have sex to celebrate, but she complains about his choice in R&B music and his too-cold body too much to go through with it.

Nevertheless, Orgasmic Patient is happy with the results, and promises Zayday and Chamberlaine to spread the good news about C.U.R.E. Just then, the Grean Meanie throws his CGI scythe from around the corner to slice her throat and kill her.

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Like that scene in Wanted, but with less plausible science.

The Green Meanie also stabs Chamberlain, but interestingly, leaves Zayday alone. Now that they’re 0-3 on saving patients, Dean Munsch reluctantly moves Hester into C.U.R.E. in hopes of stopping the next one.

There’s no time to dwell on what that means, because it’s time for Chanel and Chad’s wedding! Yep, Chanel wants to get that on lockdown before Chad changes his mind, but in a private chat with Dr. Holt, Chad reveals that he already regrets proposing to Chanel because now it means he can’t bang other girls. Dr. Holt menacingly ties Chad’s bow tie and assures him that everything will be fine. Plus, if Chad dumps Chanel, Dr. Holt can step right in and pick up the pieces.

Despite the hesitations of the groom, the wedding appears to being going off without a hitch. Chanel did a rush order on gorgeous flowers and gowns, so no one really notices that there are less than ten attendees. Chanel walks down the aisle first, explaining that Chad told her to get using to “coming first”.

He may be a obnoxious doofus, but he’s a gentleman in bed, dammit.

Still, there’s an awkward pause after her entrance when Chad doesn’t show up. Did he change his mind? Is he just running late? Nope, he got his throat slit and his dead body falls through the chapel ceiling.

Looks like Chanel won’t be getting her deposit back.

Who’s the Killer?

  1. Pregnant Blonde Lady – Nurse Lynn Johnston insisted the caller who’s been harassing her is female, a fact which was ignored by everyone.
  2. Pregnant Blonde Lady’s Grown Up Child – Although the Scream Queens were quick to identify any 30 year old male in their radius, there’s a possibility that it’s an unintroduced character.
  3.  Dr. Holt – He may not be the Green Meanie killer, but he could have definitely been Chad’s murderer. He has motive and opportunity.
  4.  Nurse Hoeffel – We haven’t seen her this episode, so she doesn’t have an alibi for any of the murders.

Scream Count:

6

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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