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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
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the agony booth
Xanadu (1980) Movie Recap Page 6 of 7
Posted by LaShawn Wanak Posted on: November 21, 2007
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

So, apparently, that dance sequence must've have taken up the whole night, because it's dawn when Sonny and Kira go outside. They make mushy love talk, with Sonny laying the L-word on her (no, not that L-word, come on, now), and they kiss. Again. My foot's about to go through the screen, I tell you. But then Kira breaks away, saying, "We can't go on pretending this is for real!" Sonny is baffled—and so am I. She's a muse! She can make up any reality she wants, as we've already seen in graphic detail. Come on, Kira. Does turning into a cartoon bird ring any bells with you?

But Kira goes on to say that she "can't have these kind of feelings." Sonny doesn't understand. Oh, but I do. It's quite simple.

You see, in order to make a movie out of a plot this paper-thin, some artificial conflict needs to be inserted somewhere. That supposed drama with Sonny hating his job? That was nothing. It got resolved too quickly. So the filmmakers, having satisfied their need to become music video directors, are just now realizing they have a movie without any conflict whatsoever. So they better come up with something, fast!

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And so, Kira, who so far has been emanating all the personality of a rainbow-laden oil slick, suddenly has the burning need to tell Sonny all about herself. And Sonny, who was previously digging into her private life, and not more than three scenes ago was griping, "No questions, no truth," does a complete 180. He says, "I know all I need to know." Say what?

Kira insists that she needs to tell him, and then, in a very abrupt cut, they're at Sonny's place. The shutter wipe machine must be still twitching from epileptic shock. No longer her "cheerful" self, Kira tells Sonny that she was only sent to make Xanadu happen. She finally reveals that she's a muse. Sonny deadpans, "I'm glad somebody's having a good time." No, Sonny. None of us are having a good time.

Kira goes on to tell him her history: "I come from Mount Helicon. I'm the daughter of Zeus. I have eight sisters. My real name is Ter—" and that's as far as she gets before Sonny shuts her up by kissing her. Personally, I believe the writers did this intentionally. If they really did invoke the name "Terpsichore", all of Mount Helicon would have materialized and delivered savage beatdowns to both of them.

Sonny pulls back to ask if that kiss was real. Kira says, "I'm trying to tell you the truth. Why don't you believe me?" Gee, I don't know, could it be because you've been so very forthcoming for the entire movie?

She then hands him a dictionary and tells him to look up the word "muse". Oh, come on. Surely even Sonny knows what a muse is. He can't be that dumb. Then again, this is the guy who rode a scooter off a pier at two miles an hour. Sonny humors her by reading the definition out loud, and it ends with the phrase, "And do you believe me now, Sonny?" Muses can insert words into books? This gives a whole new meaning to revisionist history! Put this girl to work for Joseph Stalin!

Caption contributed by LaShawn
moron (noun) see: Sonny Malone.

In an utterly unsurprised voice, Sonny asks how she did that. Kira then points to the TV and it turns on by itself. So now we're down to cheap parlor tricks? Guess the special effects budget got cleaned out by the "shopping for glitz" musical montage. On the TV, a tuxedoed guy named Nick is being held at gunpoint by another guy in a fedora. Suddenly, Nick starts talking to Sonny directly. Sonny moves closer. "How can you be talking to me? You're a movie!" Oh please. Earlier you turned into a cartoon fish. It's way too late to start questioning this movie's logic now.

Seeing that Sonny still doesn't get it, Kira magically inserts herself into the movie, and waves at him. Sonny falls back, stunned. Nick goes, "I think he needs a drink." Way ahead of you, Nick. The real Kira says she'll take care of it, and if there were any living cells left in my brain, they would wonder how Kira can be both inside and outside of the TV in the same shot. Nick wishes Sonny good luck on the opening of Xanadu, and Kira shuts the TV off.

Caption contributed by LaShawn
You just can't have too many Olivia Newton-Johns.

Kira consoles a shell-shocked Sonny. "We're not supposed to feel emotion or show any feelings [bang-up job so far, Kira]. Muses are just supposed to inspire." Yuh-huh. You certainly had no problems playing with Danny's feelings, and he has a zillion times more talent than Sonny.

Sonny shoots back with a well-earned, "Well, what do you think happened to me?" She replies, "It was a mistake. I broke the rules." Oh, okay, then. That makes it all better. Luckily for Kira, I'm far too polite to call her a certain word. That, and a lot of my brain cells have died, so I can't really remember the word in the first place.

However, that very word must be going through Sonny's mind, because he pulls away from her. "Well, what the hell do we do now? Answer that, muse!" Kira attempts to apologize, while Sonny stands by the window in a huff. Or maybe he's checking on his car. It's kind of hard to tell by his tone of voice.

Kira sadly goes to the stairs, and it dawns on Sonny she's leaving. She gives him one final "I love you forever", and whoosh! Up she goes in a glowing special effect! Leaving Sonny standing there with a dumbstruck... uh, lovelorn... er... oh, who am I kidding? It's his usual, blank, slightly bewildered look that he's been wearing for the whole movie.

Caption contributed by LaShawn
"You want me to do what with that pointed stick?"

Oh look, the shutter wipe machine is working again. What a relief. We're back on the beach, and Danny casually strolls over to the rocks where he and Sonny first met. Sonny is sitting there, being his normal, grumpy, whiny, moody self. But you know what? I prefer this Sonny over the lovey-dovey, moony, kissy-face one. How sad is that?

Danny says that everyone will miss him tonight at the grand opening. Sonny grumbles, "I told you, I can't go. Xanadu doesn't matter anymore!"

He whines, "There's no Xanadu, 'cause there's no Kira. She made it real." And this would be the perfect spot to end the movie. Really. I'd have no problems with the credits rolling over Sonny sitting on the beach, growing older, and moping about a lost love. Unfortunately, Danny tells Sonny to find Kira and bring her back. Sadly, this means the movie must contain more scenes where... stuff happens. And not very interesting stuff, either.

Then comes an exchange of dialogue that's supposed to be pivotal, but just sounds idiotic, even coming from Gene Kelly:

Sonny: Dreams die.
Danny: No. No, no, no. Not by themselves. We—we kill them. Now if you give up, you'll be sitting on that rock thirty years from now just like I was. I know how you feel, kid. I felt the same way once. I did. I didn't know how important love is. But let me tell you something. Somehow, somewhere, there's a way to get her! If she got here, there's a way to get there! Believe me, kid, it's up to you. It's—it's up to you.

So, let me get this straight. Instead of telling Sonny to snap out of it, and be a man, and go to the damn opening of his own club, he instead tells Sonny to go chase after a woman? The same woman who ditched him thirty years ago? And if that's not enough, the whole "if she got here, there's a way to get there" crap very intentionally sets up Sonny's actions in the next scene, which are even more idiotic.

Caption contributed by LaShawn
"If you love her/need her/want to, got to, have her, child/ Great God in heaven, you gotta get her!"

Fade to Sonny skating down a busy street while ELO's "The Fall" pulses in the background. I actually like this song here—it sets the mood pretty well. And this street looks like any ordinary street, with real people walking along, minding their own business. No freaks with purple or blue spiked hair, or girls in insanely short shorts, or weird spidermen, for a change. Just Sonny, skating down the sidewalk and brooding. Or going over a grocery list in his head, who knows. He passes by an alley, and stops and squints. The camera changes to show what he's looking at and—hey, what do you know? It's the Nine Muses Mural from the beginning of the movie! Who'd have thought he'd come to this mural at this point in time, huh?

Caption contributed by LaShawn
It must suck when bums are peeing on your girlfriend.

Sonny skates up to the mural and traces his hands around what's presumably Kira. Oddly, the once realistic painting of Olivia Newton-John now looks just as indistinct as the other women in the mural. So don't ask me how he recognizes her. He skates away a good distance, then turns to stare at the mural. Yep, still there.

He makes as if to leave, then looks back again. The mural says, "Yes, I'm still here. Go away." But there's a close up of his squinting eyes. Uh-oh. I think there's at least one itty-bitty gear starting to turn at the very back of his head...

Caption contributed by LaShawn
"There's just one question I gotta ask ya—Do you feel stupid, punk?"

Cut to the mural, focusing on Kira's blurred shape. Then Sonny takes off, skating towards the mural at maximum speed, and at the very last second, he... flies right into it?

This is so wrong, so stupendously wrongity-wrong, I can't think of any decent words to describe it. What kind of crack did Sonny take to come up with "mural + speed skating = gateway to Mount Helicon"? How did he know Kira came out of this very mural? For that matter, how did Sonny recognize that woman on the mural as being Kira in the first place? He's never even seen this mural before! Unless... wait. Was he the one who painted it in the first place? That would make his earlier line, about painting "somebody else's mural" as a freelancer, almost make some kind of... sense. Or something.

But if that's the case, then why didn't he recognize Kira right off the bat? Did he conveniently forget about the mural until now? Did Kira pull some sort of Jedi mind trick on him? And don't tell me it's just a "musical fantasy"—I've seen paint-by-number fantasies that are more believable than this.

Well, you know what? I can make up stuff, too. Here's my theory: Sonny didn't really enter the mural at all. Instead, he flew headfirst into the wall, knocked himself silly, and is now having an out-of-body experience while he bleeds all over the pavement. See? Logical and hilarious! Suck on that, "musical fantasy"!

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