Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
The Bunny Perspective!
Hosted by: Phil Buni
Media reviews and analysis by a pot smoking, puppet bunny. Do you like weird-but-great underground films? Hate Glee, Gigli, and other Hollywood garbage? The Bunny Perspective offers a blend of humorously angry negative reviews, and honest praise of underground movies and TV. We talk about films, TV, anime, and animation. We are the Cult of the Bunny, and you too can be a Cultist. #CultoftheBunny
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Cheap-Arse Film Review
Hosted by: Liam Barrett
It's the Cheap-Arse Film Review, where a young(ish) man finds out if it's possible to live the life of a cinephile super-nerd on the strictest budget possible. Inspired by growing up in the wilds of Essex, England (that's only partially a joke, by the way) and the current harsh economic times, Liam only reviews DVD that can be purchased for £1.00p or less!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The DVD Shelf
Hosted by: David Rose
Life is short, so skip the bad movies and let your host David Rose reveal, review, and recommend the ones you should have on your own DVD shelf. The DVD Shelf is a film-lover's safe haven to bask in the warm glow of cult favorites, over-looked cinematic gems, rediscovered classics, and downright fun flicks on both DVD and Blu-ray.
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Solkir
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
Joshua the Anarchist
Hosted by: Joshua Bell
Charged with the crime of liking Batman & Robin, Joshua the Anarchist has been declared insane and committed to Arkham Asylum. Locked away in a padded cell, he'll endure movie after movie as doctors attempt to "treat" him. He may not have gone in a madman, but he soon will be.
Minority Report Reviews
Hosted by: Tom Marriott
Minority Report Reviews is where often slated or just plain forgotten films and TV shows come for an ego boost. Focusing primarily on unloved sequels, your host Tom Marriott takes questions from the general public to showcase the positives in these films. Love it or hate it, this is the show where you can have your say and see a guilty pleasure defended by the host with the most... strange tastes.
Movie Dorkness
Hosted by: Sofie Liv
It's the show formerly known as Red Suitcase Adventues! Join Sofie Liv, a nice Dane (who may not be as negative as everyone else!) as she dissects pop culture phenomena to explore both the good and bad in popular films.
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Mystery Madness
Hosted by: Full of Questions
Mysteries are awesome! And who's better suited to examine the wonderful, the terrible, and the adequate of the movie mystery genre than a teenager with nerdy glasses and substandard editing software? ...Many people, probably, but enjoy the show anyway!
PGSM Summaries
Hosted by: Nycea
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (PGSM for short) is a hilarious live-action retelling of the Sailor Moon story. On this show, your host Nycea summarizes and riffs on this gloriously bad series—one episode at a time.
The Porn Critic
Hosted by: Porn Critic
Comedy reviews of the worst and most bizarre adult films available, by a character called the Porn Critic, who tends to focus on the acting bits rather than the actual sex! Who knew continuity errors and bad dialogue could lead to chronic flaccidity?
Reel vs. Reel
Hosted by: Animated Heroine
Animation isn't just for kids; it's also for adults who never learned how to grow up. In Reel vs. Reel, the Animated Heroine looks at two similar animated films to see which one comes out on top and why. Her love for good animated films is only matched by her cynicism towards the bad ones.
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
the agony booth
Santa with Muscles (1996) Movie Recap Page 4 of 11
Posted by Dr. Winston O'Boogie Posted on: December 24, 2003
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Well, it's back to that old lady from the Childrens [Sic] Mission sleeping by her globe of cash. The two hoodlums are still just standing there, so apparently it's taken the last ten minutes for them to work up the nerve to do the idiotic thing they do next.

Anarchy Guy comes up and puts the Globe-O-Cash under his shirt for another supposedly amusing image. See, he looks like he's pregnant. And men can't be pregnant! Isn't that hilarious?

He asks D.A.R.E. Guy to help him out, because "this thing's heavy!" Even though, really, it's just a cheap plastic bowl with maybe 20 one-dollar bills inside. Either way, D.A.R.E. Guy puts his hand on Anarchy Guy's "belly" as they continue to walk along. Wacky!

 


"You dumbass! Who told you to steal that apostrophe?"

 

Unfortunately, Anarchy drops the globe, spilling money everywhere. The two guys crouch down and start shoving cash in their pockets while still on the floor of the mall in plain view. You'd think this would gain the interest of mall security, but remarkably, no one shows up. I guess the Lakeview Mall hired the same crack outfit from the casino in 3000 Miles to Graceland.

As it turns out, the little girl who was asking Hulk for a hundred different things is the only one to come over and investigate. The crooks tell her they're "Santa's little helpers" but the girl doesn't buy it. She takes a deep breath and screeches, "SAAAANTAAA!" Hulk takes a kid off his lap and hands him off to Lenny so he can go and answer the call.

The article continues after this advertisement...

Hulk confronts the crooks, saying, "Someone's been very naughty!" For some reason, Anarchy Guy suddenly has his own Italian Jersey goomba thing going on. He talks some trash, then starts taking swings at Hulk. And I have to say, you've gotta be one pathetic sack of shit to punch a guy in a Santa Claus suit. Way pathetic.

Needless to say, Hulk just takes the blows without flinching. Instead, he swings and knocks Anarchy Guy flat, and all the kids cheer while a deafening rendition of "Deck the Halls" blasts in the background.

Meanwhile, D.A.R.E. Guy rips a picket off the white picket fence and comes at Hulk with it. Sorry, but after you've had someone threaten you with a tire iron and a weed whacker, this just isn't all that intimidating. Hulk easily tosses D.A.R.E. through the air, and in a stupid bit, the footage is seriously under-cranked here.

Anarchy Guy then comes back for more, so Hulk tosses him into a big pile of wrapped presents. D.A.R.E. Guy then comes back at Hulk with a lawn gnome holding a huge pair of shears [!]. The weapon of choice back in the WCW, or so I heard. Hulk effortlessly fends D.A.R.E. off with a head butt, then violently tosses him right onto Santa's throne, surely causing severe spinal injuries.


"Hah! You picked 'paper'! I win!"

 
 

Anarchy Guy then picks up a huge plastic candy cane and starts spinning it like his own jujitsu staff. Hilariously, among all the dubbed-in background chatter is some dad yelling, "Watch out! He's got a candy cane!!" Well, folks, it's official. This is the first line of dialogue I'm sure I'll never hear again in any other movie. I mean, just try and envision other scenarios where that line could conceivably be used. Can't do it, can you?

Despite wielding this impressive candy cane, Hulk quickly kicks the ass of Anarchy, scoring one for orderly government and the rule of law. He tosses Anarchy through the door of Santa's Cottage and the crowd cheers. "Yay!" they cry, "Senseless violence!"

Hulk turns to the adoring crowd of newly-converted Hulkamaniacs and says, "You see, kids? It pays to be nice!" Hmm. Somehow when I see a violent fight that could have been easily averted by calling mall security, I tend to walk away with the exact opposite lesson. I must be retarded.

 


Candy Cane Day at Dodger Field sometimes gets a little out of hand.

 

Nevertheless, the kids help Hulk clean up the cottage, and we cut to an impressed Lenny visualizing a place for Hulk in his grand, devious schemes. He goes to chat up Hulk and draw him into his wicked elf plans, but for no reason whatsoever, Hulk is struck by the table accepting donations for the Childrens [Sic] Mission.

"They need help, Lenny," he says. "We should go." A puzzled Lenny says they'll go there "someday", but Hulk yells, "We should go right now!" I think what Hulk is experiencing here is the extremely strong pull of plot mechanics.

You know, I can just picture the story conference between the screenwriters that led to this scene.

Jonathon Bond: Well, let's see, we need to get Hulk over to the orphanage, because they're in trouble!
Fred Mata: But, Jonathon, um, how do we get Hulk from the mall to the orphanage? I mean, what makes him go over there in the first place?
Dorrie Krum Raymond: Ooh! I know! Hulk senses they're in trouble!
Jonathon Bond: That's it! You're a genius, Dorrie!
Fred Mata: Problem solved! Now let's go cash our paychecks before the studio stops payment!

Okay, I'm being a little hard on the movie, since this plot point will be explained later. It won't be explained very well, of course, which is why I say I'm only being a little hard on the movie.

Latest Comments

Popular Right Now

 
 
Posted Sep 1, 2014 by Fear Fan
 
Posted Aug 27, 2014 by Dr. Winston O'Boogie
 
 
 
Posted Aug 31, 2014 by Joey Tedesco
 
Posted Aug 29, 2014 by Steve Birkett
 
Posted Aug 21, 2014 by Steven Patsel
 
Posted Aug 19, 2014 by Steve Birkett
 
Posted Aug 25, 2014 by Cecil Trachenburg
 
Posted Aug 13, 2014 by Joshua Bell
 
Posted Aug 12, 2014 by Michael A. Novelli
 
Posted Aug 17, 2014 by Joey Tedesco
 
 
Posted Aug 28, 2014 by Sursum Ursa
 
Posted Aug 14, 2014 by Cecil Trachenburg
Sitemap
About the Site:
Archives:
Other Content:
Series Pages:
Feeds (RSS):
Video Shows:
Support the Site:
On Other Sites:
Top #tags:
Our Partners:

All articles posted to the agony booth are the sole property of the author(s). Please do not copy/reproduce entire articles without permission. Screencaps from movies and TV shows are used for non-profit, fair use purposes of parody and commentary. Star Trek and all related images and trademarks are the property of CBS Studios, Inc.

Reviewer icon artwork provided by Tai Porto, Aaron “McKnackus” Rivera, and Magdalen O’Reilly.