The Drive Thru Speaker continues narrating as we watch the Aging Spinster put a kettle on the stove. It turns out the Aging Spinster was sick of not having kids, and wanted to do something about it. "Day after day," she says to herself, "I put the kettle on! And no one comes to call!" Well, maybe if you didn't talk to yourself, people would be a little less leery of spending time with you.

She says, "I'm getting so tired of being lonesome!" Then she gets an idea. "This afternoon I'll go see the witch! And maybe she will bring me a little girl!" Unless this witch happens to run a sperm bank, I'd say the odds are pretty slim.

The Drive Thru Speaker then lets us know that Thumbelina came from a "magic spell cast by a good witch!" This is accompanied by another shot of Stoned Butterface staring blankly at a diorama of a witch's cave.

We cut to that cave, and find a standard witch in a black cape and pointy hat as she stirs a cauldron. The witch, who looks a lot like Janine Turner, sticks something that looks like a chicken foot under the Aging Spinster's nose before moseying on over and dumping it in the cauldron. Janine Turner Witch tosses in some more stuff, stirs the cauldron, and then in her most terrifying act of all, she starts singing. She warbles, "Last year I turned, an ugly toad, into a prince real quick! And now for you, I'm gonna do, an even better trick!"

"Sow a little seed, grow a little princess," she sings, tossing random stuff into the pot. In case we don't understand what's happening here, the song lets us know that this is "how magic works!" The witch then sings to the Spinster that "twelve new pennies make your wish come true!" as her reed-thin voice hits notes well beyond the range of human hearing.

The song mercifully ends, so Janine Turner Witch asks the Aging Spinster if she wants a child. Well, what the hell have you been singing about for the last three minutes? The Spinster says yes, so the witch shouts, "Well, you're too old to have a child!" Um, that's the point, stupid. Is she new at this?

The Aging Spinster pleads with the witch, however, saying that she didn't choose to be a spinster. But rather, "No one would have me!" Looking at her, that's not difficult to believe. Okay, sorry, I really shouldn't be so mean. After all, it's not nice to make fun of the infertile.

The witch asks if this is what she really wants, and the suddenly Bostonian Spinster replies that with all her "haht", she wants a "byooty-full, young, blonde-haired gir-rul". Yeah. Don't we all. And not to ruin the suspense, but we already saw in the opening credits that Thumbelina will have brown hair. So what the hell?

Anyway, the witch says she'll do it, but only if the Spinster ponies up "twelve pennies". The Spinster is outraged at the price, even though the damn song mentioned this twice in the chorus. Regardless, the Spinster agrees to that amount. After a deathly pause, the witch adds, "But... you must promise to treat her very well! Because some day this girl will be a princess!" The Spinster says, "I will even treat her like a queen!"

The witch pulls a seed out of something that looks like a bong. She hands to the Spinster, telling her that it has a "special magic" and planting it will somehow result in a child. Boy, fertility medication gets stranger and stranger every year. The Spinster expresses gratitude and forks over the cash.

Before the witch takes the money, she again reminds the Spinster (and the audience) about the princess prophecy. We then cut back to the Drive Thru Speaker barking that the Spinster was skeptical at first, but she really, really wanted a kid, so she took the seed home, hoping that the "power of the witch would be successful!"

We see the Spinster return home and set the seed down on her kitchen counter [!]. "It's still early!" she says to herself. "I think I'll plant it now!" Hey, that's a great idea! It's still early, why not give birth?

She takes the seed and goes to what looks like a corner of her living room, but I guess is really supposed to be outside of her house, since there's a patch of Astroturf, I mean grass, some limp vines propped up against the wall, and an L-shaped plot of dirt. She puts the seed in the dirt, and waters it, and according to the Drive Thru Speaker, "sure enough, like magic, it started to grow!"

We then see the Spinster back off and make a really exaggerated look of excitement, as something pinkish and vaguely phallic emerges from the dirt. The Speaker says, "No other flower had grown so fast, from a small bud, to a full grown flower, in a matter of seconds!"

Eventually, we see a really fake giant pink flower that hasn't bloomed yet, while that infernal "Sow a little seed, grow a little princess" theme plays in the background.

"Her doubt was now gone!" the Drive Thru Speaker says. Well, I should hope so. The giant pink petals split apart, and there, in a dress exactly like the one you see on a bottle of St. Pauli Girl, we see Butterface, back in her dual role of Thumbelina. She does a little curtsy, and then we cut to the Spinster's back as she bends over and supposedly scoops up Thumbelina in her hands.

Then there's another shot of the Drive Thru Speaker. "The child was not exactly what she expected in size," the Speaker yells. "But certainly everything else was perfect!" Yeah, I mean, other than her being two inches tall, she's flawless! We see the Spinster's back as she goes to her dining room table, supposedly setting Thumbelina down.

Hilariously, we then find Thumbelina on a giant tabletop set straight out of The Incredible Shrinking Woman. Thumbelina, or St. Pauli Girl if you will, looks around and admires the décor. "I'm going to be very happy here!" St. Pauli Girl says. And she's the only one.

The Spinster replies, "I never thought I would have a little girl as small as you!" and wonders where Pauli Girl will sleep. She then gets an idea, and out of a canister on her kitchen counter, she pulls out a walnut shell and says, "This will do!" Pauli Girl agrees, then robotically adds, "It's nice to have a mother that loves me so," while sounding like one of Joan Crawford's kids. "And you know," Pauli Girl says, "I'm going to love you too!" Just don't beat me with a wire hanger.

Now, get ready for a not-so-special effect, kids. The Spinster says she's "so glad" to have a girl, and as she talks, we cut to Pauli Girl standing in front of a movie screen projecting a giant image of the Spinster's face [!]. And the colors don't even come close to matching. Folks, rear projection technology has just taken a giant step backwards with this movie.

Pauli Girl pulls back a sheet on the walnut shell, and relative to the coffee cup, this thing must have come from a giant mutant walnut. We cut once again to the Drive Thru Speaker reaffirming Pauli Girl's love of the house, and her love of the Aging Spinster, who's now technically her "mother" in a creepy sort of way. Much in the same way that I'm "father" to the potted plants on my balcony.

The Drive Thru Speaker explains that Pauli Girl's toys were the kitchen utensils, and "her bed was a walnut shell!" Thanks for the recap. And what's the big deal? When I was a kid, my toys were kitchen utensils, too. You should have seen Mr. Whisk take on Cutting Board Man in a battle royale. Ah, those were fun times.

We see Pauli Girl get into her bed and the Speaker says, "Her life was perfect!" Yep, sleeping in a walnut shell that somebody dug out of the trash. It doesn't get any better than that. The now severely buzzing Drive Thru Speaker, sounding like its about to burst into flame, says that "Her joy was now complete!" And so is our despair.

The Drive Thru Speaker then repeats that nonsense about the Aging Spinster having to "treat her well" because of Divine Right or something. We see Pauli Girl in her shell, and strangely enough, she wears her St. Pauli Girl outfit to sleep. You'd think she could have at least swiped some clothes off a Pajama Fun Barbie or something.

After what feels like about twenty minutes of dead silence, Pauli Girl rises, sits on the edge of the shell and, unfortunately, she starts singing. This song starts off with her praising her Spartan living conditions, and calling the table her "dance floor" while curiously not dancing at all. I guess choreography wasn't in the budget.

"Other children make me feel so small," Pauli Girl sings. Yeah, kids can be so cruel to their two-inch friends. "But," she croons, "Here on my table I feel six feet tallllllll!"

"Round and round, oh, I could dance forever and ever, and ever, and never stoooopppp!" Then Pauli Girl finally does something that looks like dancing around the coffee cup, and trust me when I say you've seen more coordinated movement in footage from Woodstock. Actually, I think if I muted the sound on this scene and played "White Rabbit", the movements would fit perfectly. It'd be even more uncanny than when you play Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz.

After some random skipping and twirling, Pauli Girl sits back down on the edge of the walnut shell and there's a really out of focus shot of her face as she sings the final, piercing note of the song. When she finishes, she lies down in bed and completely covers herself with her sheet like she's a corpse. Hey, let's hope.

Anyway, it's back to our old friend the Drive Thru Speaker, telling us that Pauli Girl's "new life was to be threatened by a frog, whose mother was searching for a wife for her son!" We then cut to a guy in a really cheap, foam "frog" suit addressing the camera, and talking like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

"I can hardly wait!" the frog says. "My mother's gettin' me a wife! All this time I've been doin' nut'n but sittin' by the pad goin' 'ribbit ribbit'!" The Frog adds, "What I need is a little girl! Oh, boy! That's what I need alright!" Ew. I'm not even gonna touch that line. I mean, an R. Kelly joke would be really easy to slip in right here, but I'm just not gonna do it.