| The Cast of Characters: |
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Richard (Timothy Donnelly). A confused young man living a sheltered
life in the isolated colony of Clonus. He longs to go to a place
called "America", but soon learns that "America" is really a codeword
for having his organs harvested (shock of shocks, considering the name of the
colony). So he takes four days to hitchhike through Saginaw, all gone to
look for "America".
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Lena (Paulette Breen). Literally stumbles over Richard one day, and her empty-headed
musings cause a major epiphany for him. After Richard makes his escape from Clonus, he stupidly risks life and limb to go back for
Lena, because they have the kind of real, lasting love that can only come about after
a one-night stand on a camping trip.
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Senator Jeff Knight (Peter Graves). Running for president, and appears to be
doing quite well despite his reluctance to take a stand on any particular political issue. Unfortunately,
he's only alive today due to the magic of Clonus and its spiffy organ bank, and Richard's escape might spell doom
for him and his increasingly ambiguous campaign.
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Dr. Jameson (Dick Sargent). The administrator of the Clonus colony. He pushes buttons,
operates security cameras, and teaches clones that cans of cheap beer are a naturally occuring element
found in the river. And somehow, the Clonus colony remains top
secret and unknown to the public, despite his best efforts.
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Ah, human cloning. The inspiration for a countless number of
misguided sci-fi movies. Most films dealing with the concept of human cloning
generally fall into three categories, based on the general public's
misunderstanding of how human cloning (if it ever becomes a reality) will be
practiced and applied.
In the first category, we have films where a particular
person (usually a historical figure) is replicated perfectly, down to the last
detail (The Boys from Brazil, for example). The second category of
cloning films are those where an evil super-villain/emperor longs to
mass-engineer an army composed of exact duplicates of himself (This looks to be
the most appropriate category for the upcoming
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones).
The third category, and perhaps the most feasible of the
three, is where the rich and elite create clones to use as their own personal
organ banks. This is impractical (not to mention completely illegal) for a
number of reasons, but nevertheless the concept could, if handled well, make
for an interesting sci-fi thriller. Needless to say, our current subject, Parts:
The Clonus Horror, does not handle this concept well. If not for the
idiotic dialogue, incompetent direction, horrific acting, non-existent budget,
and relentless parade of goofy imagery, this possibly—possibly—could
have been a decent movie.
Also adding insult to injury is the movie's insistence on
blatantly swiping ideas from classic novels like Aldous Huxley's Brave New
World and George Orwell's 1984. Suffice to say, this
movie is doubleplusbad.
Before we get to the movie, I can see that it's time for yet
another installment of Video Box Idiocy. The description on the back of
this particular box is deserving of immortality, mostly because the person who
wrote the copy was quite enamored of a new device he apparently just discovered
called "alliteration".
Test tube terrors! Evolved from evil! Venture over the edge
of eternity! Come face to face with a frightmare of frozen fear and pulse
pounding paranoia!
Don't drift into the dark domain of dreamless sleep where cryogenic creatures
wait, suspended in space!
Imagine extending your life with spare body parts! Imagine being the body the
parts come from!
An ear-splitting scream shatters the night! Squirming terror crawls at the base
of your brain! Reality dissolves into a nightmare of surreal superscience [No
arguments there] when you ask yourself "Am I real?" or "Am I really a
clone?"
Don't overdraw your account at the body bank! The only part they don't use is
the scream!
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It almost boggles the mind that someone actually thought this
would help sell more copies of the movie. (I mean, what the heck is a
"frightmare"?)
The film opens on shots of supposedly "high tech" scientific
equipment, including, inevitably, an oscilloscope. We hear excited watermelon,
watermelon whispers in the background and cut to what looks like frozen
bodies standing upright in big Ziploc bags. The "ominous" whispering grows
louder. (For a bad movie reference, the whispering is similar to when Linda
Blair comes close to jumping off a skyscraper in Exorcist II: The Heretic.)
For an instant, we cut to a political rally, then back to the bodies. We
cut back to the rally, then back to the frozen bodies. This is supposed to be
"artistic" but mainly ends up being "confusing".
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Now that's high tech!
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Wow, I never knew they made sofa covers for human beings!
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At the political rally, people are holding up posters and big
signs saying "Knight for President". We cut to a podium, and I instantly got
the impression that this is taking place in California. Maybe it's the big
California state flag draped around the podium.
Anyway, the "Knight" who's running for president is Senator
Jeff Knight, and as he steps up to the podium, we sadly see that he's being
played by Peter Graves. (Oh, Peter. How could you? Mission: Impossible
to this in only five years? Of course, two years later he would star in Airplane!,
which just goes to show that not all actors' career paths are shaped like a
bell
curve.) Senator Knight addresses the crowd with a rather vague speech where he
takes the controversial stance that he loves his country even though "we have
some problems". Mind you, we'll soon find out this is supposed to be two weeks
before the election. If I were a potential voter, I'd be seriously
underwhelmed. You'd think he'd be talking about real issues by now.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, someone hidden from the camera is
watching Senator Knight giving his speech on TV. "That's our boy," he remarks,
while his aged, leathery hand switches off the TV. To all budding B-movie
directors for future reference: It's not a good idea to show someone switching
off a TV during the first few minutes of your movie, lest you give your
audience ideas.
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Seig! Heil!! Seig! Heil!!
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The next thing we see is a group of young people in Adidas
running shirts and shorts jogging though a park. Choral music starts up in the
background (get used to this music, folks) as the opening credits roll.
We pan around the park and see a lot of young people
strolling around, lying down, and jogging. All of them are wearing nothing but
Adidas shirts and running shorts. Look, I know this was filmed a good five
years before Adidas was fashionable (Kurtis Blow and Grandmaster Flash weren't
household names yet), but that's no excuse for their advertising their product
in this movie.
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The most retroactively embarrassing product placement since the Atari logo in Blade
Runner.
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Some of the youths are doing jumping jacks, and others are
jogging around aimlessly. I guess this is supposed to be an idyllic community,
but to my eyes, it looks a lot more like an idyllic community college.
A guy in an Adidas running suit and baseball cap walks into
the shot, and he's wearing an earpiece and a microphone. Pressing on his
earpiece in that TV-journalist kind of way, he pronounces into his microphone
that "Area 14 is clear." Clear from what? We never find out. But if he means
it's clear of anything that could possibly be taken seriously, he's absolutely
right.
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It's rumored that the subtitle of Star Wars Episode III will be Attack
of the Gym Teachers.
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As the scene goes on, two distinct groups emerge. There are
the young people in the shirts and the shorts, and then there are the
sinister-looking guys in the running suits and baseball caps. We slowly start
to "get" that the guys in the running suits and baseball caps are there to
protect or watch over the young people in shirts and shorts. And when I say
"slowly", I mean it's pounded into our heads with all the subtlety of a
jackhammer on concrete.
We see two of the Running Suit Guys having a laugh together.
A Shirt and Shorts Girl overhears them, and asks, "Can I laugh?" She's informed
she doesn't have to, because, according to Running Suit Guy #1, "it's only a
joke." [??]
As the scene progresses, I can't help but wonder what twisted
impulse took hold of executives at Adidas when they allowed their clothing to
be used in this film. In addition to horribly dating this film, the Adidas
running suits also have the added bonus effect of making any viewer in his late
20s or early 30s feel like they're back in high school gym class all over
again. Which is to say, one long, extended, 90-minute gym class.
Some of the Shirts and Shorts young people are lined up on
bicycles, and all of them have their helmets on except for one busty blonde.
This is Lena, and I'd say she's going to be our heroine, but that's stretching
the definition of "heroine" beyond any reasonable meaning. Let's just say she's
the female character who spends the most time onscreen.
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Lena, our "heroine".
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Lena overhears a couple of the Running Suit Guys talking
about a bet they had going on a football game. She turns to them and says,
"What's a bet?" [!] Geez. Just so you know, for the remainder of this
film we'll see Lena speaks American English more or less fluently. Even if you
only have a rudimentary understanding of the language, how could you possibly
not know what a "bet" is? As in, I bet the director of this movie hasn't
seen much work since.
The two Running Suit Guys yell at her to put on her helmet so
they can go. She complies and everyone rides off single-file. "What's a bet!"
Running Suit Guy #1 exclaims. "Oh, brother," Running Suit Guy #2 says, speaking
for many in the audience.
We cut to a guy with dark curly hair. This is Richard (played
by Timothy Donnelly, best known for playing Chet the fireman on the 60's TV
show Emergency!), who happens to be our main character. Standing next
to Richard is his blonde friend George. George is played by Frank Ashmore, who
also played the alien Martin (and later, his identical twin brother Phillip) on
the
80's sci-fi show V. We see a small circle of spectators around them as
someone fires a starter pistol. Suddenly, both men drop to the ground and start
doing pushups [!] while the others cheer them on. Finally, Richard quits, and
the gathered crowd cheers George's victory. As a reward, a Running Suit Guy
gives George a handful of peppermints, leading me to conclude that life in this
commune is similar to when you get your bill at Denny's.
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George, who seems like a useless character, but will become important later. I
mean, relatively speaking, anyway.
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I shudder to think that this is how people had to entertain themselves before
there was TV.
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Richard walks away, looking sullen. Nearby, a Running Suit
Guy spots Richard and whispers into his microphone, "He has no interest in what
we're doing." This causes most of us in the audience to immediately sympathize
with Richard.
We cut to George and some other guy rolling around shirtless
on a big mat while others stand around and cheer. Elsewhere, this gladiatorial
combat is being observed on a monitor by two scientists. (We know they're
scientists because of the white lab coats.) One of the scientists is Dr.
Jameson, who's in charge of the facility. Sadly, he's being played by Dick
Sargent, AKA the Other Darren. (Oh, Dick. How could you? Bewitched
to this in five years?) Jameson remarks to the other scientist (who I'll be
referring to as Bald Scientist Guy until they decide to give him a name) that
George is quite strong and that he should be "ready" very soon. Then he asks
for George's "workup". Just to let us know this is all very high-tech, the
soundtrack is filled with lots of meaningless computer bleeps and bloops as
they talk.
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Scientists!
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Jameson glances at the "workup" and finds no problems. Bald
Scientist Guy comments eagerly that "All the tests were positive!" Someone
should have told him that with most medical tests, coming up "positive" is not
a good thing. Regardless, Jameson picks up a phone and tells someone named
"Walker" that "it's ready".
Back out on the field, a Running Suit Guy gets word from
Jameson and calls George over. Running Suit Guy has got good news: George has
been "accepted", and now it's time to get ready. As George runs off to prepare,
he bumps into Richard and informs him, "I just qualified. I get to go to
America!" Now, up until now, everyone we've seen has spoken with a perfect
American accent (more or less). So George's assertion that they are, in fact,
outside of America is probably supposed to make us suspicious. Instead, it
makes us sleepy.
We cut to a cake topped with the words "Welcome to America"
in frosting. George eats a slice of cake while his friends stand around
applauding. Hey, guys, shouldn't you wait until George actually gets to
America before welcoming him there? Regardless, George delivers the following
speech.
| George: Thank you. It's good to know that I
have all of you as friends. And I know that soon, all of you will be joining me
in America, for that is the land where good friends live. And are always happy.
[Laughs.]
Thanks! |
America is "the land where good friends live"? Wow, sure wish
I could see that motto on some license plates. It's got that whole "Live
Free or Die" thing beaten by a mile.
As they all cheer, we get a close up of one guy's ear in
order to make the audience fully aware that all the young people here wear
different-colored tags on their earlobes. This will become important later.
Well, not really, but just for the heck of it, let's pretend.
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This is years before that Wham! video.
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After the party,
George runs off to a remote corner of the campus—I mean,
commune—along with a woman who appears to be his girlfriend. They kiss
and she talks about joining him soon in America. "I've grown accustomed to
you," she says. "I... I like having you... touch me." I think I saw those exact
words on a Hallmark card once.
George says he likes touching her too—fancy
that—but he can't turn down going to
America. She says "But—" and then there's almost a five-second pause
before George shushes her and they go back to kissing. It's almost like the
actual line in the script was "But—" and the actress couldn't improvise
anything to fill in the pause. I'm not implying anything here, I'm just telling
you what I see.
Another Running Suit Guy appears and tells George to come
along so they can prepare for his trip to America. George waves goodbye to all
his "good friends" and walks off. Richard strolls into the shot and stands next
to George's girlfriend. "Will it be alright?" she asks. "Of course it'll be
alright," Richard says, immediately letting us know that things will soon go
horribly wrong.
