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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
Click to see all our shows!
the agony booth
Batman Forever (1995) Movie Recap Page 9 of 14
Posted by Dan Laurikietis Posted on: November 17, 2008
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Back in Ed's apartment, our bespectacled friend is spending some quality time using (I presume) Microsoft Supervillain Costume Designer™. He goes through several potential themes, which he runs by his friend, the inanimate fiberglass mannequin sitting in a fortune telling machine.

All the potential costumes suck, until he comes up with a design in which his modesty is protected only by a green sandwich board adorned with a question mark. The fortune telling mannequin shows its approval by pointing to a green light bulb also adorned with a question mark, which is pretty much the mannequin's answer to everything. Ed seems happy about this, and starts typing excitedly.

And now we're in Two Face's HQ, and this guy is nothing if not thematic. His entire living quarters is split into two halves, each of which is supposed to represent one of his split personalities. Although, I can't see any building blocks, Barbie dolls, or Cabbage Patch dolls on either side, which is strange, since the predominant aspect of both of his personalities is that he's a great big, whiny, temper-tantrum-throwing girl.

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And the custodians of these two halves of the room are two hot supervillain groupies. There's Sugar, played by Drew Barrymore at her pre-Charlie's Angels finest. She's clad in an "innocent" looking lace corset, suspenders, and a feather boa. And then there's Spice, played by the equally delectable Debi Mazar, who's wearing a leather corset, fishnets, and stiletto heels.

You know, I always loved how in the '60s Batman TV series, supervillainy was like the new rock and roll. Every supervillain had at least one hottie in their lair, as well as generic goons with their nicknames tagged on their sweaters. Where do supervillains go to get groupie chicks? Is there a bar somewhere?

The two girls try to console Two Face, who's a little peeved at the fact that he sucks at being a supervillain. It must be said, if I were in Two Face's position and had two ludicrously hot slave girls, I'd probably never leave the house, much less worry about robbing banks and doing evil.

The two girls boast about the meals they made for him, which are actually contrasting meals to appease the different facets of his split psyche. Holy fuck, they cook for him, too? Bizarrely, one of the meals includes the charred heart of a black boar (good luck eating that!) and a side of raw donkey meat. Uh, I think I'll pass.

Two Face admits that he's of two minds (yeah, that never gets old) about which meal to eat first. Split personality aside, Two Face must be one gluttonous motherhumper if he's prepared to eat two consecutive three course meals.

Caption contributed by Dan
Oh yes. Crime does pay!

A voice behind Two Face says that he hopes he "made extra". More than two three-course meals, he means? Of course, the voice belongs to Ed, and he appears for the first time in his new duds.

Flee, denizens of Gotham's underworld, for a new terror walks amongst you! The Riddler strikes a pose in all his androgynous glory. He's wearing a bright green jacket (stolen from his fiberglass friend) and a spandex body suit, which really does give him the most excruciating case of male camel toe I've ever seen.

This ensemble is topped off with a delightful green bowler hat, domino mask, and... no, it can't be! It must be a trick of the light.... Nope! He's actually wearing rouge. Rouge! And here I was thinking that the doors had closed at the Ziggy Stardust School of Comic Book Villainy. To make matters worse, his stance clearly says "Buffalo Bill", with his junk tightly clamped between his legs.

Caption contributed by Dan
This is Major Tom to Ground Control. I'm feeling very scaaaared! And I'm standing in a most peculiar waaay!

The Riddler introduces himself to Two Face, who returns the courtesy by asking him how he found his secret hideout, and then offering to perforate his cranium. Some supposedly "hilarious" dialogue follows that's too painful to recount, with the sole exception of when the Riddler motions towards Two Face's scars and tells him, "That's never going to heal if you don't stop picking!"

The Riddler whips out his invention, which he calls "The Box". It's had a bit of a cosmetic reworking, but it still looks, basically, like a styrofoam-filled blender.

He happens to have two of them on him, and he puts them on top of Harv's two televisions. He switches them on with a remote control that looks a bit like a lightsaber, and Sugar and Spice are suddenly mesmerized by 3-D cartoons. Actually, they're not even true 3-D; the screen is just projected slightly outward. But then again, these girls spend all their days pandering to a hideously deformed and inept criminal, so I'm sure they're not that hard to entertain.

The Riddler holds the remote against Two Face's forehead, and Two Face starts giggling like the victim of a weird laboratory experiment. I think the film is implying that this remote is a conduit for sucking brainwaves, since two streams of green light are now travelling from the girl's heads to their master's.

Riddler says this is how he found Two Face's secret lair. Which makes no sense at all, given that Two Face has obviously had no contact whatsoever with this machine until now. So, uhhh... Sorry, science. Sorry, logic.

The Riddler proposes that Two Face help him steal enough capital to singlehandedly manufacture and distribute enough Boxes to absorb the brainwaves of all of Gotham. I know, I know, Gothamites aren't known for their cerebral activity, but stick with me here. In return, Riddler will help Two Face solve "the greatest riddle of all": the true identity of Batman.

This is a pretty sensible plan. It's far less extreme than say, patenting the device, and getting a business loan, and selling the thing legitimately. And it's far easier than just shooting Batman, and then taking off his mask. Still, the coin toss makes it a yes, and soon comes a montage of Two Face and Riddler's maelstrom of crime.

Highlights include Two Face unsuccessfully teaching the Riddler how to punch a guy twice his size in the face, and the duo counting their spoils in their getaway car. While wearing pearl earrings, necklaces, and tiaras, too. Now that's how you stage a reign of terror!

Oh, and this montage is interspersed with a scene in which Dick does extreme laundry. I'm not even kidding.

The next day, Bruce is watching a news report about how the Riddler (nobody gives a crap about Two Face anymore, I guess) has successfully perpetrated a series of crimes, and there's been no sign of Batman. Yeah. God forbid the police try to catch this guy on their own.

Alfred presents Bruce with another riddle, which just arrived in the mail.

"The eight of us go forth, not back. To protect our king from a foe's attack."

Instantly, Bruce and Alfred are in the Batcave, because I guess they can't solve riddles in any other place. Bruce deduces that the answer is chess pawns. Ah hah! The two of them try to discern a common link between the riddles. There's some nice Alfred-Bruce interaction here, and you know, Michael Gough really is an excellent Alfred. I can't overstate how much his performance prevents this film from being a complete disaster.

Lucky us! We get to have another scene with Alfred now. Dick is trying to open the only locked door in the house, and he demands that Alfred tell him what's behind it. Alfred replies that there's nothing behind the Forbidden Door of Untold Mysteries worth seeing, and that he should be on his merry way.

Hmmm. Can't help thinking this is going to come back to bite Alfred in the ass.

Meanwhile, Ed's giving a press conference at his newly opened Box Factory. Yes, he's set himself up as a business heavyweight, and even constructed a factory, overnight.

In one of the film's rare clever moments, he's modeled his new image almost exactly on Bruce Wayne. Which is good because, Eddy, dahling, those dreadful ginger locks and that atrocious bright red flat top just had to go!

Caption contributed by Dan
"This one cuts styrofoam into really, really small pieces!"

Now we witness the ravages of Ed's seemingly innocuous invention on the citizens of Gotham. And in true condescending-to-your-audience style, the perfectly self-explanatory images are voiced over by the irritating newsreader woman from earlier.

Desperate consumers clamor in electronic stores for the Box, and in a less stupid movie this might be making a clever point about consumerism. And now families (including their dogs) are staring, zombiefied, at their TVs, while trails of green mist seep from their heads, out of open windows, and into a collective stream of green mist that leads right to... Ed's lair.

I have to say, I really do hope those green trails are there as visual aids for our benefit. Otherwise, I'd be very curious as to why nobody from the EPA is knocking on Edward's door.

Inside his factory, the Riddler is sitting on a tarp-covered throne, getting all high on information and stuff.

The next day at Wayne Manor, Alfred's just about to enter the Mystery Room of Infinite Secrecy. He checks that Dick is nowhere in sight, then opens the door. Dick, of course, is perched above on a balcony overlooking the foyer. As soon as Alfred is through the door, Dick springs into action.

He vaults onto the lip of the balcony, leaps onto a chandelier, back flips off a non-specific rail, slides down a tapestry, and swings off a big lamp stand. It's all very impressive and exxxtreme!! but, really, he could have accomplished the same thing by just running down the stairs.

Dick falls through the door into a silver closet, which revolves around, and sends Dick tumbling down the stairs into the Batcave. An obnoxious alarm blares "Intruder alert" over and over again. All of the Bat-computer's screens flick to life, and the Batmobile rises on its turntable. Bruce certainly isn't one for damage mitigation, is he? Oh, I see you've broken into my secret base! Here, you might as well have unrestricted access to my car and all my most private computer files!

Alfred looks good and pissed by Dick's presence, although it's really his own fault. If he'd just shown Dick the silver closet, the purpose of which is to disguise the entrance to the Batcave, he wouldn't be in this mess.

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