Racists Wonder How America Can Still Be Free If White Lady Doesn’t Win Beauty Pageant

Racists Wonder How America Can Still Be Free If White Lady Doesn't Win Beauty PageantSo, you likely weren’t paying attention to the Miss America pageant Sunday night because it is 2013 and there’s still a Miss America pageant, really? Apparently there are some other people that have much more complex feels about it, mostly because the white lady didn’t win:

Miss New York, Nina Davuluri was crowned Miss America 2014 tonight at the birthplace of the legendary competition in Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall, broadcast live on ABC. Nina became the second consecutive contestant from New York and the first contestant of Indian descent to win the Miss America Competition.

Are racist people upset by this turn of events? HELL YES THEY ARE. You can head on over to Buzzfeed for a collection of predictably depressing bits and bobs from twitter: she’s an Arab! she’s a terrorist! she danced like an Egyptian! it is panthetic! (nope, not a typo on our part.)

What seems to be giving white people the greatest amount of sad is that there was some corn-fed Middle America white lady who was a rootin’ tattooin’ shootin’ WHITE LADY THANKYOUVERYMUCH. The fix was in, we tell you, because white lady was not allowed to do her most talent-y talent at the talent show:

FOX411: You had to change your talent at the last minute.

Vail: I wanted to do archery, I wasn’t allowed. I had to pick up singing. I guess the Miss America organization has an insurance clause against projectile objects.

Why does the Miss America pageant hate freedom? Why is it breaking America’s heart by not letting this lady shoot things on stage? Donald Trump and his yooge, classy Miss USA pageant that is so much yooger and classier than broke-ass old Miss America would NEVER have made this lady not shoot stuff near people’s faces! Why on earth are we even writing about this?

We were going to provide you pictures of these ladies so you could decide for yourselves about their talent and beauty, but then we realized that our feelings about Miss America pageants run the gamut of emotions from meh to actual repulsion. Also, too, you had to be a “verified” member of the media and/or pay the organization to get pictures and neither of those things are ever ever going to happen.

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  • Gayer Than Thou

    I can’t believe you’re not even saying how the first runner-up is like Asian or something, so even more less free! And from California, so you know she’s a socialist! And probably a drag queen, because “Crystal Lee” is totally a drag queen name. Not like “Kelsey Griswold,” which is obviously not a drag name and also obviously the name of a white girl – the name of a white girl from Oklahoma forced to be third place. It’s like a metaphor!

    • msanthropesmr

      Griswold? Really? I’m too lazy to look that up.

  • serpentineminer

    Can I say that “panthetic” should also be adopted as a useful word meaning “pathetic in all ways possible.” Because that’s kind of what this is.

    • Spurning Beer

      Right, like “ignoranus” — one who is both an idiot and an asshole.

  • x111e7thst

    It’s the “if you aint white you aint right” rule so beloved of idiots and losers.

  • Vecchiojohn

    Their letting coloreds into Miss USA now?

  • SullivanSt

    Busy times for @YesYoureRacist on Twitter.

    • x111e7thst

      @Amerikkka

  • actor212

    “American Except”ionalism

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I thought you were supposed to walk like an Egyptian, not dance…

  • Botlrokit

    I was watching another pageant last night: “Orange is the New Black”.

  • Those blind, pageant-judgin’ fools! Anyone born even a semi-shade darker than John Boehner’s fake tan is clearly *not* a Real American!

  • mtn_philosoph

    Actually I didn’t tune into the pageant because I was too engrossed in this story on another channel about a former high school teacher who takes up an exciting second career. (And I’m still shaking from it.) Counter-programming, you’re killing me!

  • mtn_philosoph

    Wait, doesn’t this mean that the newly-crowned Miss America is an Aryan-American?

  • Guest

    Too tall, too skinny. All of ’em. Real Mericans is, ah, rounder, thereabouts. And got no talents at all. Can’t read, most of ’em. Got a coupla babies hangin’ off’n’em. Buy chips at the Quicken Stopper and climb back inner Chevy pickup.