Every year, we’re treated to generous gifts from movie studios by way of sentimental holiday films in which...

Check that. Decades back, Hollywood came to understand there was serious money to be made in the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Kids are out of school for long stretches, and their parents usually have some time off as well. Many look for relief from holiday stress or to avoid the throngs in the mall by seeking refuge in darkened theaters.

But after a while, the studios became complacent during this cash-cow season. Not only would they save some of their tentpole blockbusters for the end of the year, but they also began belching out generic “holiday-themed” films that were little more than weak attempts to score a November/December release date.

And creeping into these films was a constant theme: the holidays are a dismal time to spend with your family, because they are all head cases.

Family dysfunction is a subject that filmmakers never seem to tire of, because it’s an easy target. Why, everyone thinks their family is nuts! Right. This psychological blind spot was addressed nicely by Joe Walsh years ago in his anthem “Life’s Been Good”:

Another untruth that constantly comes from Hollywood is that the holidays are a time of elevated levels of anxiety and depression. But the canard that suicide rates increase during the holidays has been disproven with hard statistics; Incidents of suicide actually go down around this time of year. But a pesky little thing like facts sure wasn’t going to stand in the way of the makers of Surviving Christmas.

The film was directed by Mike Mitchell, a former writer for SpongeBob SquarePants who was also behind the cultural touchstone Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo, and the TV series Greg the Bunny. Adding to the mix was the writing team of Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont, whose claim to fame is writing Josie and the Pussycats.

But the result of this all-star collaboration was deemed problematic, and another pair of writers was called in to fix things. Unfortunately, this eleventh-hour repair work was cutting into a tight shooting schedule, and filming began without a finished script. Always a bad sign.

DreamWorks understood later that their finished product was a mess. Looking at their release slate that December, they saw that Surviving Christmas was going to go up against the likes of The Incredibles, National Treasure, and ironically enough, The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. They decided if there was any chance at profitability, they would have to resort to a calendar-based scheme.

Their gambit was to become the first holiday-themed film of the year, hoping that would draw some interest. Thus, this Christmas movie was released more than a week before Halloween. It’s hard to quantify how successful this maneuver was, but I’d guess the paltry $15 million gross would have been even more miniscule had it faced off against the juggernauts of November.

So let’s explore this cinematic equivalent of what you might find in the manger... specifically, underneath the lowing cattle. And let us behold our players in this pageant. Oh come, let us abhor them.

The opening title sequence gives us a series of holiday urban settings, with a bustling city in the full swing of Christmas activity. Shoppers clog the sidewalks, and for some reason, Santa is riding the elevated subway.

The ubiquitous Andy Williams classic “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is blaring as we watch these scenes shift from a pleasant cityscape to more intimate—and troubling—views of the stressed-out populace.

We see a guy in his home, wearing a gaudy sweater while wrapping a gift (this is comedian Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob). Next, we watch a businessman with a sour expression feeding his personal effects into a Salvation Army pot. Then we see a woman looking dour as she watches a holiday TV special, and then a man falls from a ladder while hanging Christmas lights.

These are interspersed with repeated shots of Tom Kenny growing more frustrated with his wrapping paper, finally ending in him having a conniption, and tossing the horrendously wrapped gift out the window. Which is just as well; it was probably a Chia Pet, and who wants one of those?

The last image we get is of a matronly grandmother, who sets out a tray of holiday baked goods. She smiles and turns on the oven, and as the song reaches its tympanic membrane-tearing crescendo, she calmly bends down and places her head in the oven. Do you get it now? People hate Christmas.

The song drops out, and a flash-pan take us into a boardroom, where Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) is delivering a sales pitch to a group of executives. Drew is a smooth and smarmy advertising hotshot, and he’s so professional that he’s pulled a sport coat on over his professional t-shirt. His pitch is to sell an ad spot for a brand of eggnog, and he delivers these facts to the executives.

1) Americans love spending the holidays with their families.
2) They need alcohol to survive even two days with their families.

He then unveils the corporate mascots—the Noggertons!—used for this brand of low fat, all natural, 10% alcohol-by-volume nog. He even has a catchphrase ready for the spots:

Oh, he’s so crass, and treats Christmas like an inconvenience! He’s like a corporate raider Grinch-type guy! (I’m being obvious here, to convey the way the script hammers us over the head with this idea.)

Although the executives look dubious, we cut to a shot outside the boardroom as they each congratulate Drew on his pitch. So I guess they all agree that their customer base is comprised of depressed alcoholics. Cut those Christmas bonus checks—we’re on easy street!

As Drew sends the suits off, his assistant comes over and hands him a pair of airline tickets.

Cut to nighttime, inside Drew’s stylish apartment. His girlfriend Missy (Jennifer Morrison, Captain Kirk’s mom!) has stopped by, and he’s about to give her a pre-Christmas surprise in front of the tree. He builds up to it, but before we get to the big reveal, I need to interject. If we’re this close to Christmas, why was he pitching a holiday commercial today? If they wanted that eggnog campaign out by Christmas, they’d have needed to start around July. That would have given them time to shoot the spots, buy the air time, and hire lawyers for the impending wrongful juvenile intoxication lawsuits.

Back to the sappiness. As Drew is mugging, Missy opens her gift: a pair of airline tickets to a tropical vacation on December 25. Instead of swooning, she gets irate, and then starts bleating about the holiday being a time for family.

Missy gets indignant and takes the occasion to tell him he needs to get help. She then tells him they’re done as a couple, and that he can spend Christmas alone. This seems a rather exaggerated reaction to what was a pretty elaborate and expensive gift. Sure, there was some insensitivity attached, but did she need to shoot him out of the saddle over plane tickets that could most likely be rescheduled? Good thing he didn’t get her a crappy gift, like say a Chia Pet. She’d probably set his couch on fire and dump bleach in his aquarium.