“I would say this movie contains no actual dialogue; just endless action-movie quips.”
“All I can think is, ‘A lot of people out there actually, unironically want this,’ and the thought just depresses me.”
“Yet, as a person, I like Jamie Dornan more for not being able to be the twat waffle that Christian is.”
“Yeah, he might look cute. But while fighting for the people of Grpnlp at the Battle of Plorvox 12, he racked up a body count that would make Rambo shit himself!”
“This film bears all the hallmarks of a perfectly serviceable ‘toon franchise being bled of all its charm by the same man still milking the Transformers for all they’re worth.”
“This film finds one note and plays it until we’re either deaf or dead from boredom.”
“Generally speaking, an audience should never be this aware of the filmmaking tricks of the trade being deployed to artificially amp up suspense.”
“Easily one of the worst films released as part of the Scream-inspired slasher renaissance of the late ‘90s and early ‘00s.”
“I came for robots, and I left with a migraine.”
“Can we open up Abrams’ Mystery Box and find out why he bothered to bring back [REDACTED] in the first place?”
“I think the hardcore Sucker Punch fans are giving the film and its director way too much credit, especially considering how Zack Snyder would completely mishandle Superman just a couple of years later.”
“The sequence where the big twist is revealed is worth the price of admission all on its own.”
“These shy boys don’t just not understand women, they don’t understand people.”
“In the movie’s defense, it tries to dial down the pedo vibe, but it’s a bit futile when the source material is this inherently creepy.”
“If the movie was truly meant to be satire, as many of its fans insist, it’s poorly done satire, because there’s very little in the way of actual wit or insight that might distinguish this film from other entries in the genre.”
“We expect Benjamin to have interesting things happen to him, but no, he’s just a boring man with an odd condition.”
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