Lyin’ Brian Returns to TV News Today to Cover the Pope, If You Can Believe That
We at HappyNiceTimePeople.com broke the story of Brian Williams making up tall tales about his time in Iraq shortly after it was pointed out to us that he was not, in fact, the pregnant woman we personally pulled from the burning wreckage of a downed chopper near Bosra. However, due to our tireless efforts during countless lunch meetings with NBCUniversal executives, we have personally secured his return to the air this afternoon at 3:00 p.m. Eastern to cover the Pope’s arrival in Washington, DC, on HNTP’s private plane.
At our urging, Williams, or “B-Dubs” as we affectionately call him during our weekly three-way hooker & blow social outings, will not directly address his six-month absence or return, other than perhaps a quick sentence or two about how grateful he is to be back.
We confess it was Marty Scorsese’s idea, not ours, to bring the Pope to the U.S. for Brian’s big return, what with the heavy forgiveness theme and even a little “back from the dead” motif, but as soon as the words escaped Marty’s lips, we took the idea and ran with it. Sadly, one of the Pope’s people, whose name we won’t reveal (but we won’t forget either), nixed the idea of Francis washing Brian’s feet to cleanse him of his little Sixth Commandment breach. Oh well, that’s the kind of thing you have to deal with when you’re working with an internet-famous pontiff who thinks the entire Catholic world hangs on his every word. (Speaking of, you wouldn’t believe the Pope’s contract rider, but that’s another story, although we will say it involved “chocolate-chip cookie-scented candles” and “no more than three Armenians to be in the room at any one time.”)
Anywho, keep an eye out for Brian on MSNBC today, where no doubt he’ll fit right with the rest of the lying liberals. And hopefully Pope Frankie the First will accept our invitation to Thursday’s hooker & blow outing. We hear he has a thing for virgins.
When you support Happy Nice Time People on Patreon, 100% of your pledge goes straight to our writers.