Leonard Part 6 (1987) (part 10 of 15)
Cut to Leonard, who’s now “dancing” to more of The Nutcracker Suite. Oddly, Leonard’s visor has spontaneously gone from clear to completely dark and face-obscuring in this shot, but I’m sure that has no special relevance. Also, Leonard is looking much slimmer in this shot. It’s a wonder what good lighting can do, isn’t it?
Up in her lair, Medusa says, “Grape me!” Someone drops an entire bunch of grapes in her hand, which she then shoves in her mouth. This might be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.
Meanwhile, Leonard is doing the ballet leaps we saw during the opening teaser. And with that, it’s one really lame foreshadowed event down, two more to go.
As he dances, Frayn’s VO intrudes once again to explain that Leonard helped Mikhail Baryshnikov defect by working undercover with the Bolshoi Ballet at the time. And then a few years later, the world got White Nights. Thanks, Leonard!
And then it’s back to Broadway Hell. The bird guys again emerge from the cloak, and now Leonard easily dispatches them all. And it’s all thanks to the point shoes, you see. We know this because Frayn’s disembodied voice explains that Leonard’s dancing experience is currently coming in handy for him. Yep. Thanks for clearing that up.
Feathers fly everywhere as Leonard uses deft moves to take out all the bird men. And I do believe he even kicks one bird guy in the nest eggs, if you know what I mean. Finally, he has a few of them cornered, and here’s where those hair clippers come in handy.
Cut away to Medusa looking pained, and when we cut back to Leonard, a “naked” (i.e., in flesh-colored tights) bird man is hanging from the ceiling, and feathers fly everywhere as Leonard runs the clippers up and down the guy’s body. Ugh. My mind has now been sullied.
There’s a shot of the buzzards freaking out, which actually stops in the middle and then plays in reverse. That wasn’t even close to seamless, because you can clearly see one of the buzzards walk forward, stop, and then walk backwards. What, are they trying to outdo the pigeon double take in Moonraker? What was the point of that? Did this movie have an editor, or did they just leave a homeless guy alone in a room with the negative and a rusty pair of garden shears?
Finally, Medusa has had enough. She shouts, “Take this, Leonard Parker!” and pulls a lever on her chair. Suddenly, the globe thing with all the cameras starts shooting bullets rapid-fire, and Leonard gets hit. Nice one, Medusa. I have to say, I really like it when somebody says “take this”, and then somebody else gets shot. It just shows you’ve got the ability to follow through, which is really important when you’re a supervillain.
But somehow, Leonard is still able to nonchalantly wander off. And maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by this, but Leonard looks bored even when he’s got a bullet in his shoulder. Medusa yells that he’s “escaped”, and I guess if you want to call a leisurely stroll “escaping”, be my guest. She takes a couple of gymnastics goons with her as they go looking for him.
Leonard is now prowling around the lair, passing cages where they’re raising dogs and deer, and lookie here, more birds. Medusa and her goons are hot on Leonard’s trail, while we get random insert shots of animals.
And it now appears Medusa has two types of goons: the gymnastics goons we already saw, and now these animal trainer goons in jumpsuits. Leonard sees two of the animal trainer-type goons herding ostriches around, so he falls in behind them for cover. And I know what you’re thinking: The teaser scene with Cosby on the back of an ostrich is coming up soon, but nope. That’s still quite a ways away. Obviously, we have to build up to that kind of hilariousness.
Finally, Leonard reaches the “B” room, which a sign reveals is actually the “Bee Room”. Because inside is the Sphere, covered with bees. Get it? Well, I’m sure somebody, somewhere thought it was funny. Leonard checks out the ring box that Nurse Carvalho gave him, and sure enough, inside is a queen honeybee with sparkly magical effects all around it, with buzzing noises loudly dubbed in.
Leonard tells the bee to “Get in there and show ‘em your garter!” Conveniently, the small window in the door is actually a panel that swings open, allowing Leonard to safely toss the bee in the room. Leonard peeks inside and with major Cosby-esque inflections says, “Don’t mind if ah look, d’yewww?” He then makes buzzing sounds and kissing noises with his lips. And I really have to wonder what it says about the man that the only time he doesn’t look bored is when he’s watching insects get it on.
And to continue with the score’s well-established subtlety, this all plays out to the strains of Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet. Poor Elmer Bernstein. He must have prayed to the porcelain god every night while scoring this film. And between this, The Nutcracker Suite, and The 1812 Overture, I think Tchaikovsky is going to rise from the grave and murder everyone involved with this movie.
Leonard finally opens up the window panel again. The queen bee flies out, surely having sustained at least two hundred gang bee rapes by now, and a second later, the entire swarm of bees follows after her.
Three of Medusa’s animal trainer-style workers approach from the opposite direction, and they’re soon overwhelmed by all the bees. Multiple stings, ha ha! Anaphylaxis! Hilarious!
Having thus cleared out the Bee Room, Leonard easily gets inside and grabs the Sphere. He heads out, walking directly through the swarm of bees, but for some reason he doesn’t get attacked. The bees continue to assault the poor goons, which we get to see in loving detail before they finally cut away.
[And I’m pretty sure, though I can’t really tell, that one of these guys is professional bee wrangler Dr. Norman Gary, who I had the pleasure of interviewing not long after I posted this recap. —2010 Albert]
Leonard gets back to the factory entrance, but is stopped by a gymnastics goon. This guy grabs the boomerang knife off Leonard’s back and threatens to throw it at him. And utilizing a strategy made famous in many an Aesop’s fable, Leonard begs and pleads with him not to use the boomerang knife.
Sure enough, the goon takes the bait and throws the knife at Leonard. Leonard ducks, and the boomerang flies back around and hits the guy right in the gut. As the guy collapses, Leonard heads for the exits, telling him not to “fall on that”. Slow, painful death is hilarious! Though, really, you have to wonder about the usefulness of a weapon that requires you to trick your opponent into using on you.
Medusa comes upon her dead, bee-stung workers, then walks into the Bee Room and sees the Sphere is gone. She starts screaming, and for some reason the door to the Bee Room automatically closes behind her. This not only muffles her scream, but also leads to a bizarre gag where her screaming causes the window panel to shatter [?]. I’ve long since given up trying to make any sense out of this movie. I suggest you do the same if you want to hang onto your sanity.
Well, mission accomplished for Leonard. He returns home and drives into his garage, where Frayn morosely looks at the busted turret. But Leonard happily announces his mission was a success, and he’s already delivered the Sphere to Snyderburn.
Frayn then sees his boss is bleeding. Leonard nonchalantly says, “Caught a bullet. Prepare for surgery!” Or you can prepare for stupidity, because we’re about to get plenty of both.