Jane the Virgin: It's Getting Hot (and Crazy Dramatic) in Herre

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane still can’t decide if she loves Michael or Rafael more, but Rafael planted a kiss on her so maybe he’s got the edge now?
  • Petra has photographic evidence of the kiss although God knows what she’s going to do with it
  • Maybe she’s hoping Rafael will give her, his other baby mama, a kiss too.
  • Xiomara and Rogelio are a happy couple, but his evil ex-wife is blackmailing him with an embarrassing video
  • Luisa has been kidnapped by German henchmen who want to ransom her to Rose
  • But Rose has a new face and a new identity! Michael is trying to figure out who she really is and has the names “Denise” and “Heidi von Ocher”
  • I hate that we’re still on Sin Rostro plots

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

The Narrator explains that good girl Jane became best friends with semi-bad girl Lina when the two performed a dance routine to “Hot in Herre” at their Catholic school talent show. If you don’t remember Lina (and I don’t blame you since she’s only been in a handful of episodes), she’s supposed to be proof that Jane has friends outside of her family, ex-fiance, and babydaddy. Jane is especially determined to stay friends with Lina because she doesn’t want to be one of those moms who drops off the face of the earth when she has a kid. She lies to Lina and claims she is going to throw Lina a birthday bash that weekend. Lina is excited, and now Jane has to put together a party before the weekend.

Location is easy: she’ll just ask Rafael to let her use the hotel. Oh wait, things are still kinda awkward since they kissed and then he texted Jane telling her that he wanted to kiss again…and very badly.

7

“Slow down, man. We still got ‘Virgin’ in the title.”

Xiomara scolds Jane, who promises that she will explains to Rafael that she wants to focus on the baby. She also adds that she will tell Michael about the kiss so there will be no surprises.

Speaking of surprises, Michael is informed that his new partner, Susanna Barnett, will be joining him from now on. Michael isn’t excited because he would rather focusing on tracking down Sin Rostro, and as much as I hate this subplot, he really should solve it fast. Luisa’s kidnappers are moving her to another location, but we don’t know where. In another surprise, Rafael tells Jane that he wants to make custody arrangements if they’re not going to be an official couple.

Before they can discuss weekend visitations, Michael calls Jane and Rafael in for a meeting at the hotel. As he waits for the two, he sees a nauseous Petra. Petra tells Michael that they should be working together to break Jane and Rafael up and shows him the picture of the two kissing. Michael is unhappy, but he manages to stay professional when Jane and Rafael arrive. He explains that Heidi von Ocher is a famous yodeler that Rose may have had an affair with. He asks Rafael to book Heidi at the Marbella so the police can question her, since Miami PD doesn’t have jurisdiction in Switzerland. Rafael agrees.

9

“Now should I ask about Lina’s birthday bash or will that look like a pile-on?”

Back at Casa Villanueva, the Villanueva women are worried about the custody arrangements, but they put those to the side when Rogelio comes for dinner and admits his ex-wife Luciana is blackmailing him. Rogelio got caught up in the Scientology fad, and Luciana is threatening to release his auditing tapes, where he confessed his deepest and darkest secrets, unless he hires her to be his co-star. Xiomara is unhappy but tells Rogelio that she is willing to deal with the jealousy if it means saving Rogelio’s reputation.

Michael and Susanna meet with Heidi von Ocher, but he forgot to get a German translator so he has to rely on Heidi’s posse. The only thing he gets is that Heidi also hates Rose, especially since Rose walked out after they had sex, claiming she had to see her mother, and never called Heidi back. I would too; that’s a lame “morning after” excuse.

Still, Rafael promised Heidi could perform at the Marbella so the hotel begins setting up. Jane is confused because she asked to throw Lina’s party there and goes to confront Petra, but she gets distracted when she sees Rafael threw out the “Taking Care of Mateo” instructions she made for him. She goes to his apartment to check up on him and hides in the storage closet when he passes by. However, now Jane is trapped in the closet!

12

And not in a fun way, like in the R. Kelly “opera.”

On the set of the telenovela, Rogelio has to give into every one of Luciana’s demands or else she’ll leak the tapes, but now Xiomara is telling him that she has changed her mind and can’t see them film a love scene together. What’s he to do?! He decides to put up with Luciana’s demands, but Xiomara is so jealous that she steal Luciana’s trailer from the set.

Speaking of dilemmas, Michael rescues Jane from the closet, and she is freed in time to confront Rafael about throwing away her instructions. Michael is happy to see them bicker but realizes it was probably because Petra sabotaged the relationship. He tells Rafael that if there is no chance of getting back with Petra, he should say so instead of leading her on. Jane realizes this statement could also apply to her and tells Rafael that the reason she can’t pick which man to love is because she’s too wrapped up in the other man in her life–baby Mateo. Jane tells Rafael that they should get lawyers to figure out custody.

Meanwhile, a very confused Luisa wakes up in Miami and heads to the hotel to tell everyone what happened. Rafael thinks she just went on another alcohol-fused bender, but when Michael hears Luisa babble about “mutter,” he takes her in for questioning.

With all this chaos, Jane realizes she let Lina’s party slip through the cracks. She admits to Lina what she’s done. “I didn’t want you to think that you weren’t important,” says Jane. As if on cue, Baby Mateo starts crying, distracting Jane.

“But it’s pretty clear that I’m not,” says Lina as she walks off.

11

How Lina feels inside.

Michael and Susanna question Luisa, and while Michael wants to ask straight-to-the-point questions, Susanna finds bigger clues when they let Luisa babble. Susanna reminds Michael that “Mutter” was a big, faceless drug lord in the ’80s who used blue silk ties on victims, just like how the kidnappers used blue silk cords on Luisa. Susanna thinks there is a bigger Sin Rostro out there and tells Michael that they need to learn to work together.

Even though she doesn’t have a party, Lina decides to celebrate her birthday by going to a club. Jane is determined to meet her there, and Michael stops by as she gets ready. They too have a moment, but they don’t kiss. Speaking of moments, Rafael sort of has one with Petra. He tells her that even though she’s alone during her pregnancy, she’s going to be a great mom and eventually find a guy to spend her life with. “And just so we’re clear, that guy is not me,” he says.

Jane finds Lina at the club and apologizes. Lina forgives her, and the two make up by getting down to “Hot in Herre.”

14

“Mama’s getting down tonight!”

Turns out Xiomara stealing Luciana’s trailer was a good move. In exchange for returning the trailer, Luciana has agreed to fork over the tapes. She tells Xiomara that she should watch a certain disk to know the true Rogelio, but Xiomara declares Rogelio doesn’t tell her anything that he doesn’t want to. Rogelio is relieved, but now Xiomara wants to know what the big secret is.

Jane goes back to the hotel to pick up Mateo, but it turns out she got her wires crossed–Rafael is dropping off the baby. However, this is very convenient because Michael is at the hotel too! He and Jane have another moment, but this time they actually kiss!

In a much better mood, Michael apologizes to Susanna for being a jerk to her. She accepts and tries to ask about Nadine, but Michael tells her they can talk later, much to her disappointment. Turns out Susanna isn’t just a chipper new kid on the block trying to get to know her grumpy partner–Michael’s boss suspects he is hiding something and is using Susanna to find out what.

Just as Petra is ready to begin her new life without a man, an ex-boyfriend re-enters the scene. Milos, her crazy ex who bought Petra’s shares of the Marbella, informs Petra that they are getting married for tax purposes. Speaking of crazy exes, Luisa gets a message from Rose and decides to read it instead of deleting it.

Meanwhile, Jane tells Xiomara about her kiss with Michael and proclaims that he is the one for her. Unbeknownst to her, Rafael heard her on the baby monitor, and he is sad…

So let’s view;

  • Looks like #TeamJaMichael is winning this round! Sorry, #TeamJaFael!
  • Petra is going to be a wife and mother–too bad it’s to the last guy on earth she wants to be with.
  • Xiomara found out Rogelio has a big secret. But what could it be?
  • Michael’s partner Susanna also wants to know Michael’s secrets. Hopefully the ones she finds aren’t too bad.
  • Luisa is getting sucked into Rose’s web of lies

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Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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