Jane the Virgin: Holy Mother of God

Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane’s Crazy Cousin Catalina came into town and surprised her with an impromptu family reunions. Catalina is fun, cool, hip, and possibly evil since all long-lost relatives tend to be in telenovela land. So far, Catalina’s worse offense is dating Rafael and excessive name-dropping.
  • Xiomara is opening up a dance school in the same shopping center where her douchey ex-boyfriend works. Rogelio saw them kissing so they’re probably going to get back together. Has Xiomara ever heard of the phrase “You don’t shit where you eat”?
  • Rogelio is ready to move on from Xiomara and now that his biological clock is ticking, he needs to find a new baby mama fast!
  • The police figured out that Mutter is hiding a secret bank account. But where?

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

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So Crazy Catalina is still crashing at Casa Cordero-Villanueva and she’s being that obnoxious house guest who isn’t really doing anything that obnoxious so you can’t really demand for them to leave. Instead, you just fester in a pool of your own resentment until you want to kill someone or yourself.

Huh. If Crazy Cousin Catalina is really evil, maybe that’s her plan.

Xiomara advises Jane to just be honest and ask Catalina to stay at a hotel. I mean, she’s dating Rafael and she hasn’t stolen his sperm and artificially inseminated herself yet so I’m sure he’d give her a whole floor if she asked. Thankfully, Jane talks to Catalina and moves her to a hotel.

Alba asks Jane when she is going to start taking Baby Mateo to church. She lays down the Catholic guilt heavily, telling Jane that the priest has been asking about her and that she needs to think of her son’s afterlife. Jane snaps to attention quick because Alba really knows how to put the fear of God (literally) in a person. Remember her sex talk with Jane?

jtv-1.3-alba

Jane tells Rafael that she wants to raise Mateo with a healthy dose of guilt and shame Catholic but Rafael nixes it. Come on man, she’s letting you screw her cousin. The least you can do is let her take the kid to Sunday school.

Rafael is not sold on the “religion is good for the soul” thing, especially since Jane hasn’t gone in awhile. Jane insists that they give it at least one try before eternally damning their son.

Meanwhile, Rogelio calls on a millionaire matchmaker to set him up with his next bride. The matchmaker sets up Rogelio with Denise Richards but Rogelio spends the entire date talking about Xiomara secretly dating Bruce and how he wonders if he should tattle to the other Villanueva women. Denise Richards is disappponted; she was looking forward to conversation with a coherent person after her divorce from Charlie Sheen.

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“Well, at least he’s not talking about tiger blood.”

Rafael, Jane, and Michael take Baby Mateo to church but he fusses too loudly so Rafael takes him outside. Rafael notices an altar that triggers a memory of his mother in a church. Michael is preparing to rejoin the investigation of Mutter (Boo! I hate the crime subplots) and suspects Rafael’s memory is connected to the fact that Mutter gave money over the years to a European convent and ran a stolen art ring. Rafael admits that his family still has some of the stolen art pieces but was reluctant to admit anything to the police. Jane points out that if he went to church, maybe he would have known that stealing is wrong.

It IS literally one of the first things they teach in there.

It IS literally one of the first things they teach in there.

A nun from the European convent conveniently relocated to another church in Miami so Jane and Rafael sign up for a tour to dig for clues. Jane jokes that Rafael will stick out like a “rich, godless sore thumb” but when one of the nuns sees him, she alerts the Mother Superior of Rafael’s presence.

They can sense the sin on him.

The Mother Superior catches Rafael going through her files and after we get a lesson in Hitchcockian suspense (I will admit that the sequence of Rafael looking through the office cut with the Mother Superior coming back and Jane trying to warn him was pretty good although the Vertigo-life graphics in other scenes was not), the Mother Superior reveals that she has been hoping to meet Rafael.

Maybe if he went to church more often, this investigation would have gone a lot faster.

Anyway, Mother Superior admits she used to help Mutter in her stolen art ring and smuggled a baby to Mutter to raise as her son. And that baby is Rafael! He’s adopted! And Italian by birth!

"Why couldn't I have been adopted by a normal family?"

“Mamma Mia! I don’t know which is more shocking!”

Speaking of babies, Rogelio can’t connect to any of the women the Millionare Matchmaker sets him up with and I don’t blame him. One of them was Carmen Electra and the others were a parade of busty bimbos that I’m not sure were also D-list actresses in the 90s or just D-list actresses of today.

Obviously, the reason is that he isn’t over Xiomara and in a fit of petty jealousy, tattles to Jane that Xiomara is seeing Bruce, the douchey ex. Jane is not happy, especially after she finds out that Xiomara knew that Bruce was married when they first got together.

At any rate, Rogelio decides that he can still have a baby even if he’s not over Xiomara. The millionaire matchmaker offers herself as a baby mama, pointing out that they are both aging narcissists who want kids before it’s too late.

Millionare Matchmaker? More like Millionaire Baby maker!

Millionare Matchmaker? More like Millionaire Baby maker!

While Rogelio was learning that everything he thought as a lie, Jane was discovering some much needed truths about herself. She admits to a nun that the reason she has stopped going to church was because she was angry at God for letting Michael get shot. On her wedding night. Before she was about to have sex. Mostly about the sex thing.

Jane decides that she should go to church for herself and hold off on taking Mateo for now.

With all of the mystery and intrigue about Rafael’s family, Jane’s suspicion extends to Catalina. She finds a bag of cash and jewels in Catalina’s hotel room and worries Catalina is a thief. Catalina explains that she carries a large amount of cash when traveling abroad to avoid ATM hassles and the jewels are family heirlooms she was planning on selling in the States.

But, at the end of the episode, a Frenchman visits Catalina’s hotel room asking about his mother’s jewels. They two kiss, so I’m going to assume he’s not too mad about Catalina (possibly?) stealing them.

Let’s Review:

  • Rogelio is going to have a baby with his millionaire matchmaker
  • Xiomara is back with her Douchey Ex
  • Rafael found out he was adopted and his mother’s crime lord subplot gets deeper and deeper. Sigh.
  • There’s something definitely sketchy about Catalina…But what?

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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