Jane the Virgin: Family Ties

Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane is no longer a virgin! Well, that’s sort of old news compared to what’s been going on with everyone else.
  • New career changes: Rogelio is trying to become famous enough for a CW show which shouldn’t be too hard since no one on the CW is truly famous, Xiomara has given up her dream of becoming a singer, and Alba got a job at the Marbella gift shop
  • We’ll be seeing more of her because Rafael’s drug lord mother Elena was murdered in prison and left behind a Bible with the phrase “Angels guard the sun” underlined in it. It could either refer to Rafael (the son) or the Marbella gift shop (which has a sun logo).
  • I’m betting on the Marbella gift shop because the Bible has the phrase “son” over 16 billion times, particularly when you get to the books talking about Jesus. Elena had plenty of chances to underline that word.
  • Jane is working on a romance novel based on her grandmother’s life and is already learning cool stuff like how Jane is the spitting image of Alba’s jealous sister who ruined Alba’s wedding. Fun!
  • Jane has finally figured out that Petra is actually Anezka. Let’s see if she can prove it before Anezka runs off with the shares of the Marbella.

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

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Jane tells Rafael her Anezka/Petra theory and although they agree it’s too crazy, it is crazy enough to actually explain Petra’s sudden urge to sell the Marbella and her hook up with Scott. Rafael hides a nanny cam in the twins’ teddy bear to see if Anezka drops the Petra act.

Rafael offers to let Michael use the Marbella gym for his physical therapy and Michael accepts. It’s a small, casual gesture, but to Jane, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She refers to it as their “man date”, much to Michael’s embarrassment.

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“Is it too soon in the relationship to send a heart eyes emoji?”

The man date does not go well. Rafael does not like Michael’s attempts at small talk and Michael is feels insecure around Rafael’s muscles. Really, could you blame him?

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Even Rafael can’t stop staring at himself in the mirror.

To top it off, Michael sees Rafael flirting with a married woman and he tattles to tells Jane that Rafael is too much of a playboy to be a friend. Jane accepts that she cannot make Rafael and Michael be friends and the issue is dropped for the rest of the episode.

Nope! That’s what would happen in real life, but this is telenovela land so Jane reports to Rafael what Michael said so Rafael can make a better impression, but Rafael claims the woman was just a friend and Michael jumped to the wrong conclusion. Now he hates Michael for being a huge gossip and their budding friendship is ruined.

Has anyone else noticed that telenovela land is a lot like middle school? I swear I’m getting 7th grade flashbacks.

Jane finally convinces Alba to give Jane Evil Aunt Cecilia’s letters from Venezuela. Jane is so excited to open the box, especially since it glows like the briefcase from Pulp Fiction.

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Perhaps Marcellus was also carrying around letters from his estranged great aunt.

Jane is touched to read that Evil Aunt Cecilia tried to make amends in her letters and gave updates about the family in Venezuela. Jane draws up a family tree and makes a donation to one of her cousin’s GoFundMe as a way to get close to the family.

Nothing says “Hey I’m your long lost relative and I want to say hi” like a $5 PayPal donation to a random movie project!

Aunt Cecilia tries to call Alba, presumably after the cousin’s GoFundMe lets them know that Jane donated them. I have a theory as to how Aunt Cecilia got the Casa Villanueva phone number from a GoFundMe donation, but for now, let’s focus on how pissed Alba is at Jane. Alba has never been pissed at Jane and Jane struggles between her need for her grandmother’s approval and the desire to get to know her extended family.

When her cousin Catalina messages her on Facebook, Jane can’t resist and the two start swapping info and catching up on each other’s lives.

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Catalina is lucky she missed out on all of that, honestly.

On the nanny cam, Rafael sees Anezka about to inject Petra with another round of paralysis medicine and rushes in to stop her. As they argue, Petra finally starts moving and regains control of her body! Rafael asks if she remembers who she is. “I am Anezka,” she answers.

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“But if she’s Anezka and I’m Anezka…”

Anezka is confused and wonders if the numerous paralysis injection shots and watching Anezka live out her life made Petra believe that she really was the awkward, but sweet long-lost twin sister from the Czech Republic.

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Guess not.

Petra played along  with the ruse because Anezka currently controls the majority of the Marbella under Petra’s name. If she revealed the truth, the shares would return to Rafael and Petra, surprisingly, is down with the plan to ruin his life and the hotel.

The first order of business is that Anezka must dump Scott in order to avoid any loose ends that could screw up their plan. To Anezka’s delight and Petra’s dismay, Scott proposes! Anezka accepts on Petra’s behalf because it’s the first time she was truly happy. It’s sad and sweet but Petra doesn’t care about sad or sweet. She’s been in an induced coma for the past three months and she is ready to make moves, dammit!

Speaking of moves, Rogelio has taken upon himself to also join in the meddling of Rafael and Michael’s relationship. Huh. So that’s where Jane gets it from. Rogelio convinces the two to go on a drive with him and Mateo to talk out their differences. To appease Michael, Rogelio explains that Rafael was flirting with the married woman to get Rogelio a part in her American movie after Rogelio blew his meeting with a movie producer.

“So you were flirting?” asks Michael.

The two get into another argument about Rafael’s playboy lifestyle and Michael’s judgmental nature but it is cut short when Rogelio’s agent calls to inform him that he has an audition in ten minutes!

They rush to the audition but get a flat tires. Rogelio will grab an Uber to his audition while Michael and Rafael fix the tire.

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Kenny G is very appropriate tire-changing music.

Michael and Rafael bicker over how to change a tire but the arguing stops when they realizes Mateo wandered off. To their relief, Mateo is found safe and sound and the threat of losing a cute adorable baby makes them realize that they need to make peace.

Michael admits that he is distrustful of Rafael because Rafael pursued Jane when she was engaged. Rafael apologizes and reveals that he used to have cancer so he takes super good care of his abs to help him feel in control of their health. Now that they understand each other, the two then bond over soccer.

If only we could give Donald Trump and ISIS leaders a baby to lose to work out their differences.  I’m sure they would just try to indoctrinate the baby with their respective ideologies and I’m not sure who would make the baby turn out worse.

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Xiomara’s dance class has their final recital before Xiomara gives it all up to become a boring bank teller or something. As she watches the show, Xiomara imagines Rogelio, Alba, and Jane singing a version of the song “Beauty School Drop Out” from Grease that inspires her to open up a dance school. She’d still get the thrill of the spotlight but from a relatively more stable position. And if she is a really good teacher, she could get  a TLC reality show!

God help us all.

God help us all.

 

Speaking of fame, Rogelio got the part in an American movie! It’s a small speaking role that involves nudity, which makes me wonder if Rogelio got cast in a porno and he just thinks it’s an American movie. The telenovela execs point out he has a morality clause in his contract. They are willing to let Rogelio take the role but they want something in return…

Okay, that sounds like a porno.

Petra (the real one, not Anezka) announces to Rafael that she is going to push him out of the hotel. She also hints that he was right about the twin body switch but she is angry he got all buddy-buddy with Anezka and complimented her parenting skills. To prevent any further mix ups, she marks Anezka so no one will ever confuse them again.

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It might be time for Anezka to consider bangs.

Meanwhile, Jane tells Alba that she is going to get to know her relatives whether Alba likes it or not. And how convenient, Cousin Catalina surprises Jane and Michael at their home.

Oh, and Michael figured out that the underlined Bible verses are code for Elena’s drug lord bank account but does anyone care when Jane’s estranged cousin tracked her down after a Facebook message?

Jane is about to learn why people avoid family reunions…

So let’s review:

  • Cousin Catalina might actually be crazy if she’s stalking Jane after a GoFundMe donation and a Facebook poke
  • Rogelio has a role in an American porno! But his telenovela execs want a favor in return and I don’t think it’s the kind that can be solved with more nudity
  • Elena’s Bible verses lead to a bank account! Who cares?!
  • Michael and Rafael are sort of friends
  • Xiomara will be the next Abby Miller

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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