Jane The Virgin: Blame It On the Alcohol

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane and Michael are getting married! Psh, I won’t believe it until they walk down the aisle.
  • Petra is struggling with post-partum depression and is wondering if she can be a good mom when her own mom is a literal psychopath
  • Rafael doesn’t know if he can trust his half-brother and is working with Michael to investigate Derek’s true intentions
  • Rogelio is excited Jane is marrying Michael because they are #Brogelios

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

The Latin Lover Narrator explains that Jane doesn’t lost control often but when she does…it’s epic. Take her 21st birthday: she got completely hammered, thought Michael was a stripper, took his gun and fired it, and then ended up making out with him later. And now, she is about to walk down the aisle with him!

Just ignore last year’s whole accidental artificial insemination, super dramatic love triangle, and Michael avoiding Jane because he was going undercover to catch a drug dealer. It doesn’t really fit the whole “fairy tale ending” thing, ya know?

Wild bachelorette parties don’t fit fairy tale endings either, but Jane and Michael secretly want ones anyway. However, Michael’s plans have been derailed by Rogelio, who has not only invited himself to the bachelor party but has also declared himself the party planner. Thankfully, Jane is still in charge of her own bachelorette party and plans on a simple, classy affair so her wild mother won;t get too, uh, wild.

Plus, the less drama in Jane’s life, the better. Rogelio’s ex-step-daughters, Valeria and Victoria stop by for a visit to beg Jane to convince Rogelio to give them funding to start a fashion blog. Jane encourages them to consider college and invites them to a presentation for prospective students her college is hosting. Jane’s TA duties require her to make a speech in front of parents and students to promote the English department. A man in a Don Quixote costume interrupts her presentation to give a presentation of his own.

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Of his package.

Jane is understandably horrified, especially when her boss threatens to fire her for inappropriate conduct. Jane insists that she didn’t order the stripper and it only takes two guesses as to who really did it: her mother and her wild friend, Lina. To their credit, they immediately apologize for the incident when Jane confronts them after work and they try to make it up to Jane by taking her clubbing on a party bus. Jane isn’t really in the mood but the partygoers point out that there’s nothing to do but drink her troubles away.

Jane takes a shot, hoping to drink Xiomara and Lina away.

Meanwhile, Michael is unbearably sober. Rogelio has thrown the elegant dinner Jane probably would have preferred but Michael and his friends are bored and desperately wishing for the party to really get started. They start reminiscing about wilder times, like when they went to a place called Redneck Riveria and got wasted. Rogelio overhears and wants to know the juicy details. Michael gives his friends the “This is my future father-in-law and I cannot let him think I am an alcoholic Casanova so you better make this story G-rated or I’ll go rated R on you” look and they pick up what he’s putting down.

“We had a long talk about our feelings and how much we respect women and then we went to bed at ten,” they say instead.

Rogelio buys it, even though  it’s pretty obvious you don’t go to place called “Redneck Riveria” just to talk about your feelings.

Meanwhile, Jane and her friends are partying at the Marbella. Xiomara has proclaimed the party a phone-free zone and takes everyone’s cells so they can focus on getting plastered. Jane decides to check her messages and looks for Xiomara, who is flirting with men half her age. Jane is annoyed and her annoyance only increase when the drunk Xiomara tries to play keep away with her phone. Finally, Xiomara allows Jane to check her voicemail but insists on holding the phone. Jane agrees and is relieved to hear that her boss decided not to fire her after all. Xiomara is excited, but tells Jane that she shouldn’t worry what “Professor Tight-Ass” has to say.

Jane realizes that Xiomara accidentally called back her boss and left a voicemail that recorded all of her trash talk. Jane is horrified.

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“I need to stop drunkenly dialing my professors. I can’t date this one too!”

Jane assembles her party guests to come up with a plan to delete the voicemail. Ordinarily, all of these young, intelligent, accomplished ladies would be able to suggest several ideas. Unfortunately, since they have all ingested the same amount of tequila, the best idea is “If we concentrate really hard, we can delete it with our minds”. Luckily, Jane has switched to water and is able to think more coherently. She decides that if they can back to the school, find the professor, take his phone, and delete the message before he hears it.

In real life, Jane would never have been able to think of–let alone actually carry out–this plan because there are too many variables. How would she track down the professor? How would she get his pass code? How would she even get to him before he checked his voice mail? But this is telenovela land so everything works out fine: the professor is still at school attending an event, Jane is able to recruit the evil ex-step-daughters to steal the phone for her, and the professor’s phone doesn’t have a pass code so she is able to see that he hasn’t listened to it yet and delete it before he ever does.

Meanwhile, Michael’s friends are annoyed that Rogelio is hanging around the spa. “I didn’t want Rogelio here either but I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” he tells them. Of course, Rogelio overhears and is all hurt and then he and Michael have a heart to heart and Rogelio realizes that being bros is different from being a father/son, etc, etc, cue the. “Full House” hugging music.

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Well, it’s a fist bump but still counts as a hug.

Rogelio goes back the group to tell them that they can go out to a bar but the guys decide it’s much more fun being pampered instead. The guys then meet up with the girls at the Marbella and with all of their problems out of the way, everyone decides to combine the bachelor/ette parties and get drunk together. Jane even raps! It’s as embarrassing as you would think. I love Gina Rodriguez but just because she can rap, doesn’t mean she should.

At the party,  one of the party goers interrupts to tell Lina that the bartender she has a crush on is out in the hall. Lina and Jane go out to see him and are shocked to see Xiomara making out with him.

“This is why I didn’t want you at my bachelorette party,” exclaims Jane. “I knew you would act like a drunk sorority girl! You know why I’m such a control freak Mom: because you are so out of control!”

Jane goes to comfort Lina, who is not that heartbroken. Lina takes Jane aside and admits that while she is happy for Jane, she has realized that her life has stalled in comparison. She can’t be a cocktail waitress and chase after hot bartenders forever. Jane promises to help Lina achieve her dream of becoming a stylist.

Meanwhile, Rafael has had a wild night of his own. He hired a private investigator to search Derek’s boat for evidence and to distract Derek, he insisted on taking Derek and Derek’s friend for drinks all night. He’s hungover in the morning, but ready to receive the information about Derek. The PI texts Rafael that there was nothing suspicious on the boat and Rafael is relieved that he can trust his brother. However, Sober Rafael is horrified to find out that he can’t trust Drunk Rafael. Derek reminds Rafael that he bought stock last night after Derek’s friend advised him to invest in a company that was about to go big. Even though Rafael doesn’t remember it, he could get in trouble for insider trading if anyone found out.

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“And I’m too pretty for jail.”

In the morning, Xiomara goes to apologize to Jane but Jane realizes Xiomara is making the exact same apology she made four years ago when she got too drunk at Jane’s 21st birthday. “I don’t want your apology, Mom,” she tells Xiomara. “I want you to grow up.”

While Xiomara is rejected by her daughter, Petra has no choice but to welcome her long-lost twin. That’s right, Petra has a long lost twin.

This is telenovela land, remember?

So to recap:

  • Petra’s a got a twin! So does that make her the good one or the evil one?
  • Jane won’t be writing a Mother’s Day Card this year
  • Rafael is the Wolf of Miami Street although he didn’t want to be
  • Derek is trustworthy, I guess? I don’t know, just wait until the next time Rafael decides to be suspicious.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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