Imagine A World… Where A Documentary About Abject Loser Mitt Romney Is Coming To Netflix

One man… born with a silver spoon up his ass… risked a small fraction of his donors’ vast fortunes… for reasons that were never entirely clear…

“If you lose, the country may think of you as a laughing stock… and that’s okay.”

But only after he failed spectacularly… did he realize… that running for president sucks… unless you win…

“A recent poll said 43% of Americans are not even sure who you are.”

Which he didn’t. This winter… Mitt Romney stars… as Mitt Romney… in… MITT.

“I think I’m a flawed candidate.”

This film is not yet rated, nor should it be.

Imagine A World... Where A Documentary About Abject Loser Mitt Romney Is Coming To Netflix

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. YOUR SQUALID HOVEL — DAY

Sunlight seeps through the dirty sheets that are your curtains. Stink lines float like ghosts above cartons of Chinese food. A dead goldfish, your only friend, floats like a dead goldfish in a fishbowl, reading a newspaper. You turn on Netflix and search, like you do every day, for “MITT.”

YOU: Huh… fuh… wha?

You can’t believe your eyes. It’s there! Finally there! MITT! The documentary you’ve been dreaming of so vividly since you saw the trailer, the wonderful trailer — you weren’t even sure it was real, at first, as the sweet scent of turpentine overtook you. But it was real. And here it is. That makes it… January 24th… year of… oh, who cares!

YOU: Mitt! He haw haw. Mitt!

You mash the PLAY button. That familiar dubstep WHUMWHUMWHUM sound that lazy editors use to say “THIS IS TENSE, MAN!” fills your ears.

YOU: Huh? Fah!! Wha!!! FUCK!!!!

It’s just the trailer, again.

DEAD GOLDFISH: Ha!

YOU: Shut it.

You masturbate, dreaming of the day your dreams will be made Mitt. You wonder how many standing ovations MITT got at Sundance. You can’t feel your feet. Ah, bliss…

Follow me on Twitter, if that’s your thing.

[via TPM]

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  • FauxAntocles

    Goddamn tease!

  • Ambignostic

    I might have to cancel my Netflix just so I don’t accidentally stream this one.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wait, isn’t American Hustle already out?

  • goonemeritus

    He was the perfect candidate he just ran in the wrong year.Had he run in the late 1800 he would have been embraced by all the robber barons.

    • William Burns

      Believe me, late 19th century America was not about to elect a Mormon.

    • glasspusher

      He certainly was embraced by all the robber barons this last time

  • Haribo Lector

    The part where he irons his cuffs tells you everything you need to know about him. Nobody who isn’t a sociopath is that obsessively fastidious.

  • Farb

    Mitt got it all until he figured out he couldn’t game the electorate the same way he gamed private equity. But, hey, flogging Joseph Smith in France as opposed to slogging through the paddies in RVN? No wonder the French hate us.

  • m3bosha

    Aw. Mitt has a sad. It’s a slow, lonely ride down to his garage in his car elevator.

  • Queerasf**k

    Best part is it starts showing where he goes ‘D’oh, I didn’t think I’d lose!’