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Hot Upcoming Kevin Sorbo/Dean Cain Flick ‘God’s Not Dead’ Brings Your Angry Uncle’s Email Forwards To Life

Good Christ it must suck to be the kind of Jesus-y person that only wants to consume media that is evangelical-generated and approved, because it means you get stuck with movie dreck like God’s Not Dead. This heartwarming tale of sticking it to your evil atheist college professors is theoretically named after a song by the Newsboys

…which brings to mind the illustrious movie/song hybrid classic “Convoy.”

But this movie, hitting theaters in March 2014,  has an EVEN WORSE origin story than a really bad Christian rock song. This movie is basically a two-hour version of one of those emails that your angry uncle — you know the one? hates taxes and the poors and Obummer, loves FoxNews and Jesus except for the part where Jesus was humble and impoverished — sends you no matter how many times you tell him to stop, and it always flogs the same tired variations on the same incredibly exhausted themes.

Have you heard the one about the Atheist University Professor who was famous at his school for mocking Christianity and a belief in God? You know, the one where a brave Christian student finally stands up to the teacher and calmly and articulately reveals the irrational basis of the “professor’s” atheism and thereby causes the professor to flee the room in shame, at which time the student shares the Gospel with his whole class?

Maybe it wasn’t “Atheism” per se.
Maybe it was Evolution.
Maybe that student was “Einstein.”
Maybe it was a Physics or Philosophy class.
Maybe there was a piece of chalk involved.
The story is always the same: an arrogant, frothing-at-the-mouth atheist faces a Christian student who exposes him as a fraud. Evil is shamed, Good is proclaimed.

Have you had to pray to your Lord Jesus and Savior to resist the mighty temptation to just send back this email?

T2EDv

See what we did there? We’re like Satan with the fucking apple, giving you convenient linkage to this masterpiece, and now there’s no way you won’t start some family shit by sending this thing around.

Anyway, those types of emails — that is pretty much the entire movie. No, wait, that’s exactly the entire movie.

Present-day college freshman and devout Christian, Josh Wheaton (Shane Harper), finds his faith challenged on his first day of Philosophy class by the dogmatic and argumentative Professor Radisson (Kevin Sorbo). Radisson begins class by informing students that they will need to disavow, in writing, the existence of God on that first day, or face a failing grade.

Kevin Sorbo!! Nice to see Hercules is still getting work, though he had to slim down considerably, because Hercules was SWOLE, people.

herculesorbo

On the other had, Dean Cain had to bulk way the fuck up because even his head looks large in this Jesus-fueled epic.

God_s_Not_Dead___Official_Full_Movie_Trailer_-_YouTube

We’re not sure how we overlooked the opportunity to attend the God is Dead No Fuck You Really Dead school of undergraduate book learning, but we are very sad to have missed it.

[Ridiculous Professor Taken to Nth Degree Email taken from reddit]

Tag: god's not dead

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  • Farb

    Jesus came to me in a cloud and said, Uh, man, do you like have some Oreos or something? That’s when I knew I’d been living a lie. I knelt down next to my bed, and prayed that I’d find that half eaten bag of Rollos beneath. You gotta keep the imaginary deities happy, or you don’t get any sleep at all! .

  • Respiteini

    You get hazard pay for having to know that much about that crap, don’t you? If not, warn the Editrix that that could be an OSHA violation.

  • I won’t take this movie seriously until they cast Lucy Lawless as Ayn Rand.

  • He_Who_Abides

    It’s just possible that my philosophy professor made us all sign loyalty oaths to atheist Satan on the first day. It’s also possible he spent twenty out of the first forty-five minutes defining the word “philosophy” tighter than a constitutional lawyer defines “cloture,” then finished up with a bunch of pedantic horseshit about Aristotle. Same diff.

  • SJLAW

    Yikes. That seems about as entertaining as a yeast infection.

  • FauxAntocles

    Isn’t Joss Whedon on the other side of the equation?

  • Agripinna

    Dean Cain looks like Hugo Chavez. See, God isn’t dead–He brought Chavez back from the dead!!

  • savethispatient

    At last someone is repudiating Friedrich Nietzsche. That’s exactly what the last 130 years has been missing, and what the American movie-going public has been yearning for.

  • wangamuffin

    I’m just itching to know how it ends.

  • Serolf Divad

    Am I the only one thinking: “They oughtta do a remake of ‘Convoy’ with Whoopie Goldberg playing the role that Madge Sinclair played in that movie!”

  • Ambignostic

    I don’t care what a sanctimonious trainwreck this box-office-flop-in-waiting will be, it features Hercules quoting Macbeth, and that’s good enough for me.

  • glennisw

    These things are written by screenwriters who’ve never encountered a college professor in real life, obviously!BTW, doesn’t this story sound exactly like the story in wingnut painter John McNaughton’s autobiographical novel? Your uncle should be suing for plagiarism!

  • Jay B.

    Counterpoint: Rush Limbaugh is rich and alive.Verdict: God is dead.

  • Roket

    Needs more chalk.

  • Distingué Traces

    I’m sad that these actors are apparently this in need of what must be a fairly small amount of money.

  • $1261391

    God here, WTF is this shit

  • Josh Wheaton??? Joss Whedon should totally sue.Also? Kevin Sorbo still seriously bangable.

    • JeffWest

      That was an older photo of Sorbo–not sure who aged worse, Herc or Xena.

  • $73376667

    I’m not a theologian or anything, but isn’t the entire premise of Christianity that God died but then got better?

    • mamba

      That would be Jesus, his kid, but they LOVE to try and tell you that the 2 are actually the same being even when one is talking to the other. I’d try and explain that further but it’s pointless.

      I saw a sign outside a church that said “Jesus wants you to remember his 10 commandments” not even cluing in that those commandments are from the OLD testament, which was written before Jesus was even born according to the story.

      Like I said, they want you to confuse the 2 for some reason.

  • $73376667

    What, no classic comic book covers featuring Hercules versus Superman?

  • Kip TW

    If it was a gun-to-my-head choice between this and the Walter Mitty travesty, I think I’d be looking into ways to gnaw my own head off.

  • BMW

    Check out the great reviews it’s getting…”Dah fuq?!”-Friedrich Nietzsche”It stinks!”-Jay Sherman”I’d rather die than see this movie.”-Roger Ebert

  • hellslittlestangel

    My favorite line from the movie: “I’ve had it with these motherfucking atheists in this motherfucking classroom!”

  • A Town Like Alice in Chains

    God’s Not Dead: Inherit the Idiot Wind

  • Guest

    Did Rick Santorum direct the action sequences?

  • JeffWest

    And then Josh led the whole class out the door and into the mall, where they stole hundreds of un-Christian pinup calendars, costing the struggling shop owner thousands of dollars. For Jesus.

  • m3bosha

    You got to disavow the existence of god on the first day of Philosophy class? Lucky. All I got was confused.

  • my rewrite of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCKt2JGfHrQ in which a professor (Corey Feldman) who insists that everyone write “Green Day is a real punk band” on the first day of class gets his comeuppance when Shane Harper stands up and plays The Exploited, followed by Crass. the liberal professor leaves and a beautiful mosh pit forms. Corey Haim and Corey Hart also feature.

  • Haribo Lector

    Dean Cain just seems like he’d be a really unpleasant person to know in real life. I can’t put my finger on why, it’s just a gut instinct.

  • GodsNOTDead

    Another lost soul that thinks all movies should be about is sin. Way to go! Arent you such an individual to mock God and the message that he is very much real and ALIVE. Im sure when your taking your last breathes you wont be mocking him. Or when your going down in flames. Of course why would you support something you dont understand. God loves you even if you HATE him. And that goes for the whopping 29 others that vomitted on this intelligent article.

  • Mecha343

    This movie is for bible thumpers and features two d-list Republican celebrities.