Mar 3, 2014
Global Wine Shortage Could Spell Doom For Dinner Parties, Street Living
Soon we will be rationing wine like common paupers, Margo. The thought of it!
Morgan Stanley Research took a major dump on everyone’s Halloween by releasing a report outlining a global undersupply in cases of wine, about 300 million. This is the lowest in nearly fifty years, notably around the time the President of the United States was ASSASSINATED! Coincidence? Probably, but who cares!!
“Data suggests there may be insufficient supply to meet demand in coming years, as current vintages are released,”
There could be pandemonium in the streets and people yelling “Ghostbusters” quotes at Bill Murray as the populace steadily devolve into a mass panic. So, it will be pretty much like Boston following the Red Sox victory.
The reason for this unprecedented shortage is your entire fault for drinking so much wine, Mom.
Couple increased consumption with a decline in wine production in Italy, France and Spain and we have a recipe for disaster. Why aren’t you using your land to grow grapes, France? Do you want to watch the world burn? Wait, you’ve been drinking haven’t you?
World production peaked way back in 2004 when the surplus reached 600 million and Fox Searchlight released “Sideways” to rave reviews and everyone deciding they should drink wine. Little did we know that our hubris would come back to bite us in the ass come 2013.
Then again, there are conflicting reports and straight out denial of a wine shortage. In fact many are claiming that el vino will flow well into the future and there will be a surplus in the coming years. Here in ‘Merica, the only place that matters, we represent 12% of the entire global wine consumption and it is still all gravy for fancypants winos.
“I can’t say we’ve felt any shortage,” wine buyer Mulan Chan-Randel told the San Francisco Chronicle. “We may not be having as many closeout specials as we had during the recession, but I don’t see anyone ratcheting up the prices, either,” Chan-Randel said. “We definitely felt an increase in consumption, especially with Millennials. But we’ve been able to keep up.
Everything is the fault of the Millennials.
To confuse us further, Reuters has a fancy chart that says we’re not going to have a shortage, but reading the chart just makes us want a drink. We were told there would be no math.
You’re apparently safe if you like affordable wines, which means that your usual swill of wines found on the shelves of your local 7/11 and Wal-Marts right next to the baby formula is still going to be there.
Probably the best way to handle this is to pop the cork and down a bottle or two of wine right now, just in case. What could go wrong?
Let’s make some bad decisions, America.