Let A Homosexxican Lady Gaysplain To You How To Keep Your Man Instead Of Listening To Thought Catalog

Oh, Thought Catalog. Please never ever change, because most humor blogs would be utterly bereft. You’re a near-constant source of un-self-aware pretentiousness. Every B+ college student in the world, every wannabe world-beater thought-leader, is breaking down your door to write lists that make Buzzfeed’s 25 Best Gifs Of Grass Growing look like fucking Shakespeare. Today, we have Raul Felix, a beefysmack-looking kinda dude, sharing his deep thoughts on four ways to keep your high value man.

The whole thing is delightfully predictable, what with the quaint yet utterly unironic use of “Alpha Male” to denote, presumably, dudes like Mr. Raul Felix and the usual exhortations against getting fat and the routine demands to keep it sexxxxy for your big strong man:

Suggest making his fantasies come true and do a threesome with these women. Make it an intimate activity that you both can enjoy. Keep an eye out for a woman he’ll find attractive, help him arrange a date with them by speaking to them yourself and suggesting the three of you hook-up. It need not be a normal thing, but rather a treat he gets every now and then. This rare quality will make you indispensable to your man since it’s something so few women are willing to do. He will feel lucky he has a partner who is willing to let him indulge in his primal urge to be with as many women as possible. Don’t expect it to be reciprocated with him, you, and another man.

Yeah, no dude-on-dude action, because that’s gay, but lady-on-lady is hawt. Everybody knows that.

Listen, Raul Felix. I’m sure you mean well. I’m sure that occasionally you punch above your weight and get the hot girl you think you deserve, but we all know you don’t deserve. And you certainly, certainly do not know how to keep a sex machine Alpha Male dude around. Ladies, listen to me instead. I know exactly – and I mean EXACTLY – what your man needs in order to stick around and not dump you for the next hot lady to come along. Here are the four ways you really keep your high value stud.

1) Buy a good speedy USB drive.

Let A Homosexxican Lady Gaysplain To You How To Keep Your Man Instead Of Listening To Thought Catalog

Take it from me, ladies. There is nothing that gets an Alpha Male harder than some good fast transfer speeds. Don’t be fucking around with no USB 2.0. gnome sane? Go for the big USB 3.0 guns and your man will stick around for sure.

2) Switch your investments from a mutual fund to an exchange-traded fund.

figure335

This one should be self-evident, ladies. What man is going to stay with some slatternly lady that doesn’t know how to switch up her investment portfolio? Jesus, woman. Look at yourself.

3) Always use red ink to edit documents.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

What are you, some kind of philistine, with your green ink? Don’t you know that your man’s eyes are wandering RIGHT NOW? Get his attention back with a nice sexy fine-tipped red pen when you’re marking up work docs.

4) Find a deadstock case of Crystal Pepsi

Crystal-pepsi (1)

Now, this one isn’t for everyone, ladies. Only the sexiest and most dedicated among you will be able to pull this off. But with a little dedication and practice, you can get your man some Crystal Pepsi and believe you me, he won’t ever stray again. Don’t go getting him that Clear Pepsi shit from a few years ago, neither. Early 1990s Crystal Pepsi, the revolutionary clear cola, is the only way to go.

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  • x111e7thst

    Or just have Piper Perabo washed and brought to his tent

    • MrCanoehead

      Washing is optional, really.

  • tomsveb

    PFFT!! Letting a gay lady tell straight wommenz how to keep a man is like letting some celibate dude in a dress tell you about marriage!!!

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  • $73376667

    Keep an eye out for a woman he’ll find attractive, help him arrange a date with them by speaking to them yourself

    Wouldn’t an Alpha Male Dude, being an Alpha Male Dude, be able to do this for himself? I mean, the presumption is that this is how she met Alpha Male Dude to begin with, right?Or is he sitting at home, churning out listicles, because he doesn’t know how to get a date to begin with?

  • ADHDJ

    FIXED: “This rare quality will make you indispensable to your man since it’s something so few women are willing to do [for less than $1000 a night.]”Some other suggestions:1) Always carry a couple of loperamide in your purse. Even high value men get the booty flu unexpectedly on occasion.2) Learn to speak a Finno-Ugric language fluently. It will make your head prettier on the inside.3) When you are telling some boring story about work, make sure and describe your coworkers in terms of which athlete or porn star they most closely resemble.4) Only write in the second person. First and third person narrative modes are for ugly people.

    • emmelemm

      I don’t know you, but anyone who namechecks Finno-Ugric languages is peachy in my book.Also, you’re right, first and third person narratives ARE for ugly people. I never thought of it that way.

      • $73376667

        I don’t know… er, I mean, he, ah… damn it!

  • Beefysmack? Awwwwwwwww… thank you.