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Why Can’t The Real Gays Be All Outlaw Exciting Like Daily Caller’s Patrick Howley Wishes They Were?

Why Can't The Real Gays Be All Outlaw Exciting Like Daily Caller's Patrick Howley Wishes They Were?
Ohai gays! ‘Sup? Were you just hanging out wishing that a straight conservative dude would roll on up and tell you how boring you’ve become with your sniveling talk of “rights” and discrimination when you should just be in the closet at work and fabulous at the club? Then the Daily Caller has your back, people, because they’ve given you the great gift of one Patrick Howley, non-homosexxican, to tell you about how he just doesn’t get all tingly and excited by you any more.

Although gay Americans were for decades popularly identified as daring, transgressive, flamboyant, colorful and sometimes menacing (though also intriguing) mavericks, self-styled advocates have managed to rebrand the gay community as a bland, tedious, grievance group eagerly seeking government approval.

With this week’s push for ENDA (the Employment Non-Discrimination Act), another anti-business piece of legislation that allows self-identified cultural victims to sue their employers after they get fired, all the familiar annoying characters have come out of the tastefully-refurbished woodwork.

Who doesn’t love being identified as transgressive and menacing just for being who they are? Fuck, I’ve been trying to trangress and menace the Editrix for AGES and it just isn’t working because of what how I got so boring. If only we all hadn’t started caring so much ENDA and not being fired for no fucking reason but for the gayness, we could still all dance monkey dance for Patrick Howley! How could we have given up such a joy, such a privilege, such a life-affirming act as making Patrick Howley think we’re fun for the mere colored useless trinkets of being free from employment discrimination or getting the shit beat out of us on the streets?

Much of Howley’s understanding of the SuperFun SuperTime that was closeted gay life seems to come from books from the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s that he skimmed/masturbated to.

Gayness used to be pretty awesome, according to alternative literature from the period 1954-78. Back in the day, gays were subversive adventurers, trolling the city streets at night on a lustful quest for experience and with an outlaw mentality not seen since the days of the Wild West. They were decadently-dressed sexual superheroes, daring Middle America to condemn them as they pranced their corseted, high-heeled bodies around to midnight screenings of great American movies like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” “Pink Flamingoes,” and “Mommy Dearest.” They had an ingrained creativity, a patented sense of irony. They had a brand. They had an identity.

Yes, Patrick Howley, it was just like that every night. Studio 54 all the time, unless you were poor, or in a rural area, or trapped in a marriage you got into too young when you hoped against hope you could stop being gay. Sigh. Those really were the days.

Howley also takes a moment to troll gay dudes specifically (which seems to really be the only kind of gay people he is aware of or likes, but only the imaginary 1970s closeted Captain Fantastics of his fevered imaginings) by telling them about how they should be mad at the inclusivity of the current political/social alliances:

And, most egregiously of all, they call you, the gays, members of the “LGBTQIA community.” I had to look it up, but this is what it stands for: “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual.” Asexual!

That’s how they think of you. All the same. Just another plank in a political platform. If you want to put on a mesh shirt and take on two dudes at once, you’re the same as an “Asexual” librarian. If you’re blue-balling your teenage lover by merely “Questioning” and not committing, you’re the same as guys who have been walking around holding hands on sidewalks since the Carter years. If you’re a regular, normal, everyday gay guy in a healthy relationship, you get lumped into the same group with people who were born with two different sets of genitalia.

How do we even unpack the stupid? Yes, actually, there is some continuity politically between your imaginary mesh shirt guy (again with the really weird projecting there dude) who likes dude three-ways and people who are uncomfortable being told to have sex at all and gays that would like to have a marriage and a kid and people who still haven’t sorted their shit out. Also, too, guess what? The people that get to decide who gets included in their umbrella are the people under the umbrella, not a random conservative straight guy that has inexplicably been given a platform at Tucker Carlson’s vanity project website.

We can’t possibly walk away from this post without letting you hear about one Mr. Patrick Howley’s certainty that he is lusted after whenever he sets foot in Dupont Circle because the boring gays just can’t help themselves:

I can’t even walk around DuPont Circle on early autumn evenings or interact with male bank tellers without getting eyed down like a side of ribs. It’s not even flattering. I know why it happens. I only get it because I’m skinny and I look like I’d be a bottom. It’s demeaning, really.

howleydc.jpg

Normally we do not engage in body and appearance snark here at Happy, but we have to break something to you Patrick: the boys are looking you up and down because that haircut went out 5 years ago and no one except Regis Philbin rocks a dark dress shirt under a suit, kitten. No one wants to jump your little bones, honey. Sorry not sorry.

[Daily Caller]

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  • msanthropesmr

    Although gay Americans were for decades popularly identified as daring, transgressive, flamboyant, colorful and sometimes menacing (though also intriguing) mavericks, self-styled advocates have managed to rebrand the gay community as a bland, tedious, grievance group eagerly seeking government approval.

    Sooo… basically, you’re saying, gays are normal…in fact, they’re people, just like everyone else (save conservatives, such as yourself). Hmmm…what a novel concept.

  • Joline Z

    Questions are raised: why are the asexual all librarians? Is it a branding thing? Why is this man so angry at the intersexed? Where are these welcoming center-right people? Maybe the log-cabin Republicans know?

  • elviouslyqueer

    MUST CREDIT ELVIOUSLYQUEER. I sent this to the Wonkette Tipline yesterday! (And my headline was better, obvs, also too as well.)

    • i love you.

      • Buddha Stalin

        What’s he got that I don’t got? Besides wit and charm and looks?

    • Buddha Stalin

      I will when you stop eyeing me like as sack of ribs. Or whatever.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Mmmm, ribs. But only dry-rub. Because Memphis.

        • Buddha Stalin

          Rub it baby!

      • msanthropesmr

        eyed *down* like a sack of ribs.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      (And my headline was better)it always is…

  • Buddha Stalin

    What point is trying to make exactly? Sounds like he might be a bro.

  • Lizzietish81

    Aw he’s complaining about being looked over like a piece of meat? Welcome to the world of women asshole.

  • Guest

    If this guy really thinks gays (or for that matter gals) are ogling him he is delusional

  • BigRedDog

    I am totes menacing. Especially my floppy ears.

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    Yes! Less talk of rights, more hot gay men in little shorts! I’m a straight woman, but I do like to ogle!

    • Buddha Stalin

      It’s good to have diverse interests.

  • HEy

    He is having a lot of doubts

  • Tomas Maximus

    Sounds like someone needs a ball gag and a bitch slapping, stat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • jodyleek

    “…I’m skinny and I look like I’d be a bottom.”Ten bucks that how he described himself on his Craigslist ad.

  • kittenbomb

    Asexual librarian?? Has he never seen Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” video?

  • chascates

    The picture of Neil Patrick Harris’ family in their Halloween costumes (awesome btw) just proves they’re just regular Americans. With access to professional makeup artists and costumers.

  • calliecallie

    Dear God this man is a douchebag.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Things just haven’t been the same since Liberace died….

  • nothingisamiss

    This. This cannot be true. Tell me so I don’t have to click over that this wasn’t on that blog.Are they trolling us?

  • Hey, “appearance snark” is perfectly legit. Those clothes & that hair-don’t didn’t just crawl onto his skinny bottom body. He made those choices & should be roundly mocked for them.

    • msanthropesmr

      I think the hair did, actually. Crawl onto his skinny body, that is.

      • Yes, though technically it would be “out of” his skinny bottom.

  • Meanwhile, in some part of Patrick Howley’s brain the phrase “If you want to put on a mesh shirt and take on two dudes at once” is rattling around. I don’t keep up like I used to, but “mesh shirt?” Still a thing?

  • DrV57

    Well, no self esteem problems for Mr. Howley, amirite?

  • Jay B.

    I liked the article better when it was called “Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?”

  • docterry6973

    Eagerly seeking government APPROVAL? Try basic human rights. Sorry if that is not colorful enough for you, asshole.

  • Is that Ted Cruz, the second from the right?

  • flipdraw_mc_graw

    Nice riposte, Snipy! Though I’m usually against including the over-strenuously ‘phobic among my closeted sistren and brethren, this fellow really seems to be speaking entirely in subtext. And it’s not even that sub.

  • Jake Harper

    “…but we have to break something to you Patrick: the boys are looking you up and down because that haircut went out 5 years ago and no one except Regis Philbin rocks a dark dress shirt under a suit, kitten. No one wants to jump your little bones, honey. Sorry not sorry…” Definitely the truthy-true — I love bottoms, straight-up, (pardon the expression), married one a few months back out here in Cali — gots to have ‘da booty!! Every night. But no, little straight boy, who somehow imagines a life of fear and persecution was just good ‘ol radical fun for us homosexxicans, your ‘lil baby-vampire in a suit looks just ain’t growin’ no wood in these parts. Daddy likes men who look like men. But, damn, you could definitely pass for a lesbian! Some of guys at the bank might be into the boyish dyke look, so hit ’em up — they might give you what you lookin’ for in those outdated books of yours. Those “outlaws” in those books, incidentally, were the FIRST gay and lesbians to stand up for their right to be treated as FULLY EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS and not “outlaws”. When we were “outlaws”…you STRAIGHT people were putting us in JAIL!!! (And by the way, in the time of Jim Crow, were blacks also cool “outlaws”?) Fuck you, Patrick. Actually, on second thought, I’d really rather not…

    • Buddha Stalin

      CONGRATULATIONS on getting married! I hope to do the same some day.

  • Virtual Cruiser

    This dude really needs to see Angels in America, for many reasons.Oh, here’s one, forgive the (NOT REALLY) lengthy quotation:”To someone who doesn’t understand this, homosexual is what I am because I sleep with men, but this is wrong. Homosexuals are not men who sleep with other men. Homosexuals are men who, in 15 years of trying, can’t get a pissant anti-discrimination bill through City Council. They are men who know nobody, and who nobody knows.”Nuff said, mofo?

  • ejcsanfran

    There is no shortage of bottoms within our boring community, so no need for outsourcing. Also, I can pretty much assure Mr. Howley that the internal monologue accompanying anyone’s eyeing of him is, “Bitch, please.”

  • It’sNotEntirelyClear

    Five years ago? Try 10. Also there are no more gays in Dupont (not DuPont) and even if there were, with the way things are they don’t want yet another bottom to compete with boo.He can however, when it gets dark and he gets lonely, suck my cock.