Full House “The House Meets the Mouse (Part II)” (part 3 of 3)
While we hear a ‘90s sitcom rendition of “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah”, the remaining group go on rides, bumper cars, and make fun of Kimmy’s filthy smelling feet. They also namedrop a few places, so you know where to ask your parents to go once you finally break their spirits enough to make them take you to Disney World even though they really can’t afford it.
Back at the hotel, D.J. is at the end of her rope. She’s even started hallucinating the guy at the counter into Steve. She’s ready to pop, and stab herself in the eye with a pen, when Kimmy corroborates her suspicions. It is Steve!
Steve runs up to her in slow motion. She runs up to him in slow motion. I’m waiting for the joke. Ah, there it is: he trips and falls. Well, the writers tried, at least.
They hug. It turns out Steve’s been hallucinating about D.J. too, so he had to come down to Disney World to promote his movie—I mean, see her. And he did all this on the salary from his surprisingly lucrative job as a pizza delivery boy. Either that, or his parents are indeed sultans. More kissing ensues.
Stephanie is at the pier, and thus the Pier of Love becomes the Pier of Angst. Joey asks Stephanie what’s wrong, and Stephanie lets all that jealousy and hate just spew out of her: “I should have been the princess!” Yes, my sweet, let it grow, let it seeeethe.
So Joey drops some knowledge, and tells her that she’s screwing herself out of some good old fashioned Disney fun by sitting here moping. Don’t give in to the daaaaaaarkness, Stephanie. Don’t let it take your heeeeeart or you will become a heeeeartless and live in the daaaaarkness shut up I like that game.
She instantly gets it, and the Pier of Angst becomes the Pier of Understanding. The music reinforces this. Blah blah blah lessons. Michelle shows up with Snow White in tow, and makes her third wish: She wants to make Stephanie the princess, so she can ride in the parade. And thus, the Pier of Understanding completes the circle and becomes the Pier of Reconciliation.
“I have a special surprise!” says Snow White, as she whips out an AK-47. No, actually, she’s letting all the Tanners ride in the parade. But this was supposed to be Stephanie’s moment! You see how crafty Snow White is? By waiting for their little sisterly drama to play out to its predictable conclusion, Snow White gets to pretend to reward them, while actually taking away both their chances to be alone in the spotlight in the parade, solely and singularly adored by all the masses. In effect, by sharing the love, neither of them are princesses anymore. And Snow White reigns.
Another parade begins. Uncle Jessie and Becky and their demon spawn twins are riding on Giant Roger Rabbit. Steve, D.J., and Kimmy are riding on Giant Minnie. Melinda and Danny are… okay, who cares. They’re all in the parade. Everyone is happy. Because this is the happiest place on earth.
Shut up, go away. [ducks broken glass]
So, it’s night time. Jessie and the Rippers play on an outdoor stage in front of Disney Castle, and I’m wondering where the hell the Rippers were this entire time? Like, were they hanging around getting drunk in the tea cups? Meh, whatever, there’s music and the wild applause from the crowd tells me it’s good.
Okay. I’m tired, and they all look like KISS without the makeup, and it’s scaring me. Is John Stamos on Glee yet?
Meanwhile, Joey’s broadcasting his radio show, you know, the whole reason he came out to Disney World in the first place. He’s doing an interview with Snow White, who grins and giggles some crap about something, but honestly, she’s too busy relishing in her victory to say anything important.
Next, Jessie breaks it down with a slow romantic song. Actually, he’s singing “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” from Cinderella. Becky is really feeling it. Her man is so not gay.
Danny asks “Vicky” to marry him, by cleverly getting someone to project his proposal up in the sky near the fireworks, which requires a definite suspension of belief, because come on. He’s not that rich.
She says yes. Much happiness all around. Fireworks. Kissing. No, seriously, like everyone is kissing. And hugging and slow dancing. Even Kimmy tries to mack on Prince Charming, but Cinderella’s all like “Unh-unh. My man.” And that’s the end of that.
Uncle Jessie sings us out, but the last image is of Disney Castle. Honestly, they couldn’t have been more obvious if they had a naked man running across the screen with the words “GO TO DISNEY WORLD” painted across his hairy, hairy chest.
And that still wouldn’t have made this episode interesting.