Full House “The House Meets the Mouse (Part I)” (part 2 of 2)
Steve and D.J. have a pseudo Romeo and Juliet “fare thee well my love” scene, causing Stephanie to hurl all over the twins, and we’re out the door to Disney World!
The show gives us a shot of an airplane taking off, then a wide pan across Disney World’s main attractions: EPCOT, the castle, and the beach resort where the Tanners are staying.
Danny stands outside the entrance to the resort as the whole family comes out single file. He does a lengthy roll call, and just when I start to wonder when he’s going to accidentally call out “Marsha”, he makes the joke for me, saying, “Wait a minute, where’s Macaulay Culkin?” Silly Danny, he’s at the Neverland Ranch, not being molested. Shh!
Suddenly, Giant Goofy and Giant Donald just happen to walk by, arguing over who’s hotter: Sora, or Riku? Donald’s always had a thing for Sora, but Goofy thinks Riku’s got that whole anti-hero badass thing going on. Plus he’s taller. And hotter. And Sora’s kind of stupid, but that’s how Donald likes ‘em. And if you’ve never played Kingdom Hearts, ignore this entire paragraph.
Donald and Goofy seem positively excited at the sight of this female humanoid youngling, and while pretending to entertain her, they secretly discuss whether they should kill her now or just tear off a leg for a quick snack.
I’m telling you people, beware of giant amusement park versions of cartoon characters. None of them ever did anything to me, they just creep me out. Even going to Canada’s Wonderland a few months ago, I couldn’t help but twitch when I saw a giant Dora the Explorer close in on my little cousin. Manflesh!
Michelle introduces herself to Donald and Goofy, and the guys inside the costumes are both like, “Yeah, we don’t give a shit, kid. Just hurry this up so we can go get paid. We’ve got Florida hookers to harass.”
Michelle, in her best “I’m an excited little girl!” voice suggests they have a tea party, and Donald and Goofy are like, “Y-yeah…!” And then Joey goes on and on in an unfunny monologue, and even Donald and Goofy look disgusted. Where’s Xehanort when you need him? Wait, does Xehanort kill annoying comic relief characters?
Donald and Goofy forgive Joey, and then he suggests they play hockey (a little shout-out to Dave Coulier’s favourite pastime). And then Goofy does this weird dance that I assume he learned at a Chippendale’s club. Wow, that was random and weird.
We waste another few minutes on the two Disney characters, until they’re finally allowed to leave and have a smoke. Danny gets the group’s attention, telling them that he’s got personalized itineraries for everybody all printed out. Get lost, narc!
But the group already has their own plans, including Jessie’s rehearsal, much to Rebecca’s dismay. Um, yeah, Becky, remember how your husband’s supposed to play in front of thousands of people in like a day? Practicing first might be a good idea. Jessie placates her anger with promises of non-sitcomy sex, and then toddles off.
Danny randomly mentions how Vicky’s flying in to see them for some reason. Stephanie refreshes the audience’s memory of this subplot by asking if he’s going to propose to her. Danny doesn’t know. And then Kimmy tells everyone that she never uses her brain. Jokes are made at her expense. The Tanner bunch head out, but not before discretely throwing out their itineraries behind Danny’s back. Oh, you guys!
Next scene. D.J, Michelle, Stephanie, and Kimmy walk into a square, say “Wow!” and run off to stare in awe at the Disney Castle. Michelle asks whimsically with stars and fairies in her eyes if they can move here. Then Michael Eisner skulks out from behind a tree and pats her on the shoulder.
Michelle: Wow! What?
Michael Eisner: You have to use your evil power to hypnotize audiences with your cuteness to help me get my job back!
Michelle: But… isn’t taking away humanity’s free will wrong?
Michael Eisner: Not if money’s involved! [grabs Michelle] I made you what you are!
Security: There he is! Get him!
Michael Eisner: Only the strong survive! [jumps into a lake]
Stephanie then points to something, and the four run off. Hey, look, it’s a little Aladdin show!
Michelle makes sure she pronounces the word “Aladdin” clearly and loudly, so that the kids at home remember what movie they’re supposed to beg their parents to go see.
Oh, look, a white guy playing an Arab, complete with a fake stereotypical Middle Eastern accent! And he’s still more Middle Eastern than Aladdin was! Then we’re shown a shot of Princess Jasmine, and the construction of the imaginary Arabic Fairy Land is complete! Funny how palatable other cultures can suddenly become when you strip them of all complexity and reduce them to non-threatening worlds of magic and make-believe. All in a day’s work for Disney!
Then, as if all this wasn’t enough of an Aladdin ad, D.J. hallucinates, thinking she sees Steve dressed up as Aladdin. Of course, this is because D.J. misses Steve a lot and sees him everywhere. It is not—I repeat—not because the actor playing Steve was the voice of Aladdin, as was wildly advertised by ABC at the time. No, really.
God, Steve looks like a jackass in that outfit. The real guy in the outfit looks strangely better, but still incredibly lame.
So the fat white guy in an “Arab” costume tells the little kiddies to rub the magic lamp, and the lucky boy or girl who makes the genie appear will be crowned prince or princess for the day, and be granted three grantable wishes. Both Stephanie and Michelle want to give it a shot, but of course Michelle gets to go first because she’s “just a little kid”. Sucks to be the middle child.
Of course, the genie comes out when Michelle rubs it. A giant Genie statue appears, thankfully not talking, though I did find Robin Williams simply delightful in that movie. So Michelle gets to be Princess for the Day, and Stephanie sulks, because really, Michelle’s Princess Every Day.
Wonder what Michelle’s going to wish for? You really should have a pretty good idea by now, with the way this has all been set up, but I won’t spoil it for you.
D.J. shoves a knife into Stephanie’s already pulsating open wound by saying, “Isn’t it incredible, Steph? Our little sister’s going to have all her dreams come true!” And Steph’s like, “Yeah bitch, ‘cuz that never happens.”
When Michelle is asked what her first wish will be, she does the right thing in saying, “Peace on earth.” Aww.
Kimmy says, “Boring!” And the audience/laugh track agrees. So Michelle shoves that idea aside, and makes a real wish: She wants to go on any ride and not wait in line. Yeah, world peace is totally overrated. Why wish to ease the suffering of people being slaughtered in war-torn countries every day when you can go on any ride you want? Hurray for self-indulgence!
And Michelle not only gets her wish granted, but she also gets to ride on a float in their big parade!
Next scene. Joey’s at the animation studio, where the magic and subliminal messages happen. Joey mentions that “everybody here’s so happy” and all the employees struggle not to tell Joey to shut the fuck up. Because that would probably ruin both the scene and Disney’s “happiest place on earth” image.
Joey sits down, and beside him is a drawing of Belle from Beauty and the Beast, gazing into a broken mirror that her boyfriend smashed up. But she’s not really mad, because even though he’s an abusive jerk, she still loves him and wants to change him, thus providing yet another stand up Disney female role model for little girls everywhere. Thanks, Disney!
Joey tries drawing himself, and then hallucinates, thinking his drawing is alive and talking to him. This can only mean one thing: Disney World pumps PCP through the air vents to make everyone’s stay just a little more magical.
The talking cartoon head of Joey bitches at his fleshy other to finish the rest of him. The drawing sucks ass, but the cartoon hilariously (and creepily) fixes himself.
Much wackiness ensues, until the guy that went to get Joey coffee comes back and asks Joey what’s going on. The cartoon suddenly rights itself and Joey’s like “er, nothing” and the guy’s like “Yes! The drug-air is working! Mwa ha ha!”
Joey leaves and nods at the cartoon guy, who was real all along! At least until some employee comes along and throws the drawing in the garbage, after which it’ll probably be taken to the dump and shredded into compost, or maybe even burned. A sad end for cartoon guy.
Cut to Vicky, sitting on a fountain and waiting for Danny, when she holds her hand out and a bird comes flocking to it. Wow, she’s just like a Disney Princess! Excuse me while I strangle ABC.
Danny sees her in all her Disney Princess glory, and this scene couldn’t be lamer if they drew in the cartoon hearts spinning around his head. Fortunately, Vicky doesn’t sing before sending the bird away. Unfortunately, the bird doesn’t crap on her finger before flying off.
Danny walks over and babbles his way through an almost marriage proposal, before he’s interrupted by a Dutch musical troupe. They play a happy, happy song while Danny desperately tries to regain his moment, and probably his manhood as well. But seriously, can they go just one scene without giving us the Disney-fied version of an ethnic group?
Cut to Michelle leading the group of girls, who have no choice but to follow their princess. Stephanie wants to go to Splash Mountain, and pleads with Michelle to take them there, but Her Highness wants to go on the carousel. And whatever Her Highness wants, Her Highness gets. Michelle runs off and Stephanie moans, while secretly plotting her revenge.
In the next scene, Becky sounds absolutely ridiculous playing with her kids, and they’re all so annoying I have no choice but to excessively roll my eyes throughout this entire scene. Jessie comes up with Mickey ears, and puts them on his demon spawn’s heads, and then walks away so that the twins can thankfully fade into the background.
Jessie’s entire schedule is filled up with band rehearsals and performances, so Rebecca’s mighty pissed. But Jessie promises to make it all up to her with a night of romance. Rebecca’s skeptical, and Jessie calls Superman gay, and then he sets up a rendezvous point for the two of them. Will he make it? No. What?
Elsewhere, Vicky and Danny are having dinner in a restaurant “underwater”, and you can too if you go to Disney World! What? Danny once again goes “omgyoursoperfectiluvyou!” and Vicky laughs and keeps her hand clenched tightly around her pepper spray. Then Danny tries to propose again, but Cosmic Irony strikes again in the form of a scuba diving Jessie and Joey. And Jessie brought his comb.
Back on the carousel, Her Royal Bitchiness is riding around happily on her white steed, with Stephanie beside her looking cross-eyed with boredom. The four get off, and D.J. thinks she sees Steve as Prince Charming with Cinderella on his arm.
Cinderella, you dirty crackwhore! Get off D.J.’s man! But of course, it’s another one of D.J.’s hallucinations, so I guess the PCP in the air is still doing its job.
Everyone wants to move on, but Michelle wants to go on the carousel again, and she uses divine right to get her way. The girls minus Michelle go off to talk about her, calling her bossy, and stupidly forgetting that the high strung six year old is standing less than five feet away. Michelle’s like “screw those bastards!” and runs off.
The others discover she’s missing and freak out. Didn’t I tell you this would happen? Of course, Michelle has every right to be called out on her bitchiness, but she’s also the youngest and the cutest, so she’ll have everyone’s sympathy by the end of the episode.
Back to Danny and Vicky. Danny tries to propose again, but then he gets a phone call, where he finds out that Michelle’s lost. Oh noes! Everyone runs around trying to find her, and the words “To be continued…” flash across the screen.
But since this episode’s shaping up to be exactly what I guessed it would be, I think I already know how this one’s gonna end. Clearly, Michelle’s going to be kidnapped by Michael Eisner and used for ransom in exchange for a majority stake in Disney, and possibly a bag of chips. Barbecue flavor.