Jul 24, 2017
From bloodsucking cars to lava-spewing spiders – Syfy makes your TV dreams come true
Coming this fall . . . Syfy, the network that brought you the weird show about a horny succubus . . .
. . . the weird show about the adorable Boston ghost who decided to become roommates with a werewolf and a vampire . . .
. . . and the weird show about the twelve monkeys . . .
. . . now proudly presents for your viewing pleasure, two ridiculous new shows that you never knew you always wanted!
Suck on my tail pipe, vampires! There’s a new bloodsucker in town!
Have you ever grumbled at the gas pump about the high cost and extreme inconvenience of having to gas up your car week after week? Have you ever turned to your four-wheeled friend and vented to him . . . or her, “Golly gee, [insert your car name here, because if you don’t name your car, you have no soul], I really wish you were a bloodsucking monster machine so that, instead of spending an arm and a leg at the pump, I could just simply throw you an actual arm and a leg to munch on! So much more cost efficient!”
Syfy knows you have, which is why,Blood Drive is coming to your small screen this fall. It’s a heart- warming tale of loveable cop forced to continually feed his trusty car pal human bodies in order to keep its engine running while drag racing throughout post-Apocalyptic America. (Because, obviously, cars that eat people HATE driving the speed limit. It gives them indigestion.)
In short, Blood Drive is Little Shop of Horrors meets Stephen King’s Christine meets Mad Max meets OMG what were the producers smoking when they came up with this idea?
Then again, perhaps the good folks at Syfy are onto something here. After all, in today’s globally warmed world, alternative fuel sources make for a happier and safer environment. And let’s face it, there are some people in this world that just deserve to be brutally exsanguinated by Mini Coopers.
Syfy, making the world a better place, one television series at a time. . . You’re welcome, President Obama!
So remember that weird dream you had after that night when you got really drunk on tequila and ate some funky tasting Mexican food from a rather questionable restaurant because it was the only place open at 3:00 a.m.?
You know, the one where the giant tarantulas took over the world and spewed lava at Steve Guttenberg and the rest of the cast of the Police Academy movies?
Well, apparently, Syfy stole your weird nonsensical nightmares and converted them into a bona-fide television movie! And now there’s a sequel in the works because OF COURSE.
From the brilliant minds that brought you the flying sharks that may or may not have eaten Tara Reid, here come Giant Killer Spiders with Halitosis Who Really Hate Slapstick Comedies from the 80s.
Hey, Lavalantulas, once you’ve flame-broiled Steve Guttenberg out of existence, might I suggest taking out the rest of the cast of Three Men and a Baby? That Ted Danson has just got to go!
And there you have it, the two hottest shows coming out of your favorite third-rate cable channel. Set your DVRs now, folks, or you’ll be eaten by a vampire car and/or burnt to a crisp by a big ole spider.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you!