Duck Dynasty is getting a Broadway-style musical... and we've got your first look at the script!

Sure, a lot of websites have been reporting on the Duck Dynasty musical headed for Las Vegas, but only Happy Nice Time People has an advance copy of the script…

duck dynasty yuppies

Real photo: The Robertson family before they were rednecks famous.

ACT 1

Four beardless yuppies enter from stage left and start singing in a totally not gay way.

CHORUS:
Duck calls! Duck calls!
We’ve got to sell them all!

WILLIE ROBERTSON:
Our company’s not doing great
We need a stronger standing
Must act today! No time to wait!
It’s time for better branding

CHORUS:
Duck calls! Duck calls!
It’s our family business, y’all!

JASE ROBERTSON:
We must appeal to Southern hicks
To rednecks, old and weird
We can’t appear like yuppie dicks
We’ll fool ‘em all with beards

ACT 2

The same four yuppies enter from stage right, only now they look like a ZZ Top cover band.

WILLIE ROBERTSON:
We sold a video…
It made us lots of dough…

JEP ROBERTSON:
Teaching hunting to the mass…
Pretending we’re dumbasses…

JASE ROBERTSON:
Then History…
Put us on TV…

WILLIE ROBERTSON:
Now that we are stars…
Let’s show ‘em who we really are…
COME ON OUT, DAD!

Phil sashays onto the stage.

PHIL ROBERTSON:
This country is vexed, with premarital sex,
Because the girls keep dropping their drawers.
Everything’d be keen, if they were married at fourteen,
Because that’s when they start acting like whores.

JEP ROBERTSON:
Um, guys, are we sure about this?

PHIL ROBERTSON:
I think you’ll find, I’ll speak my mind.
I’ll take my finger and wag it.
The Bible said, who can wed,
So you can’t get married if you’re a f—

ALL FOUR SONS:
DAD!!!

ACT 3

Phil and sons dance back onto the stage in a chorus line.

WILLIE ROBERTSON:
For a moment… things were grim.
We thought our Dad was out of hand.
But real ‘Muricans… supported him.
And all the rest can go pound sand.

JASE ROBERTSON:
What’s next for us? A musical!
In this city known for sin.
Well, bless their hearts! How unusual!
We’d be a better fit in Branson.

PHIL ROBERTSON:
Now here we are, but casting’s hard…
I admit it’s been a slow go.
Sweet irony, who’s playing me?
Undoubtedly a—

…talented and hard-working theater professional.

Duck Dynasty returns for Season 5 tomorrow night.

TV Show: Duck Dynasty

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  • Sara Hope

    I love this!

  • sewaneepat

    Love it!