Doctor Who Recap: Fail-tastic Voyage (S8:E2)

Doctor Who 8.2 Dalek

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Badass military pilot Blue is trying to flee in her tiny spaceship, but a much larger evil spaceship is right on her tail.

EVIL SPACESHIP:
Pew! Pew! Pew!

BLUE:
Why the hell are we using state-of-the-art visual effects and 1981 Atari sound effects?

Blue’s spaceship explodes! But she awakes in the TARDIS, which has wooooob-wooooob-wooooobed around her and then wooooob-wooooob-wooooobed her to safety.

THE DOCTOR:
Wherever an attractive young woman with a British accent is in danger, I’ll be there!

BLUE:
My brother was on the ship next to mine!

THE DOCTOR:
(shrugs)
I don’t worry so much about the dudes.

INT. DEEP SPACE MILITARY BASE

The TARDIS lets The Doctor and Blue out in the middle of a bunch of space marines.

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
We don’t allow unauthorized personnel here. Execute him.

BLUE:
But he’s a doctor!

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
Oh, then give him access to all our secrets, technology, and most dangerous prisoner.

BLUE:
There’s not some middle ground…?

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
Look, we named our group the “Galactic Resistance.” We’re not exactly creative thinkers here.

THE DOCTOR:
Say, is that an ensmallifying machine?

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
Yes, we’re going to shrink you and insert you into our prisoner so you can heal whatever’s wrong with him.

THE DOCTOR:
Sure, but first let me make a vague reference to The Fantastic Voyage so it’s okay to steal their plot.
(pause)
Oh, and a butt joke for the kiddies.

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
Delightful. Now meet our prisoner… a DALEK!!!

THE DOCTOR:
But I hate Daleks!

DALEK:
You don’t understand! The other Daleks stole my shoes and won’t sit with me in the lunch room and wrote mean things about me in the burn book and told me Kurt Kelley wanted to go out with me when he didn’t and voted me prom queen only to throw a bucket of pig’s blood on my head. I want them all dead! DEAD, I TELL YOU!!!

THE DOCTOR:
Why, he’s paragon of moral virtue! I’ll fix him!

EXT. A LONDON PRIMARY SCHOOL

A handsome new teacher named Danny Pink is giving out homework assignments.

MR. PINK:
…and solve all the problems on page 43. Does anybody have any bizarrely off-topic but poignantly revealing questions?

STUDENT:
Back when you were a soldier, did you ever kill any civilians?

MR. PINK:
(haunted, meaningful look)

Guess who else works at the school… Clara!

PRINCIPAL:
Danny, this is Clara. Clara, meet Da—

CLARA:
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!

MR. PINK:
Um, no, thanks.

CLARA:
DATE ME. DATE ME NOW. DATE ME RIGHT NOW!!!

MR. PINK:
Is there something in the water at this school? Because everyone is suddenly ridiculously on-point with their dialogue.

CLARA:
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MR. PINK:
Forget it, I’m just going to disappear for the rest of the episode.
(poof!)

The TARDIS arrives.

THE DOCTOR:
Am I a good man?

CLARA:
Okay, I get it now.

THE DOCTOR:
Say, did you know this is the same school my granddaughter went to in the first episode of Doctor Who? My very first companions were teachers here. You’d think that might be worth mentioning in the show, but I guess it’s just an Easter egg for the uber-geeks.
(looks directly out of the screen at the writer of this recap)

CLARA:
So, are you here for a reason?

THE DOCTOR:
Not that’s ever adequately explained, no. But come with me anyway.

INT. DEEP SPACE MILITARY BASE

The TARDIS arrives.

THE DOCTOR:
We’re back.

BLUE:
So, first we wanted to execute you to protect the location of our secret base, but now we’re fine with you popping off alone in your spaceship right before a critical mission?

THE DOCTOR:
And bringing back a tourist, yes. Now on with the miniaturization!

The Doctor, Clara, Blue, and two Red Shirts get ensmallificated and injected into the Dalek.

CLARA:
Episode 2 and we’re already pulling out the Daleks, huh? Wow, the BBC doesn’t have much faith in the new Doctor to hold an audience.

RED SHIRT #1:
Wait, so the Daleks are just around now? Out there, doing their Dalek thing? And The Doctor is just cool with that?

THE DOCTOR:
Only Clara gets to question me like that. You’ll have to go.

Floating Wiffle Balls of Death appear and kill Red Shirt #1.

THE DOCTOR:
Those were the Dalek’s antibodies. Well, if antibodies deliberately waited until after foreign substances did damage to the host body to attack. Which would be almost as stupid as a Dalek being filled with wide open, well lit, perfect level hallways that lead us wherever we want to go. Speaking of which, follow me!

The Doctor and company quickly find the Dalek’s dilithium crystal chamber, which is cracked and leaking radiation.

THE DOCTOR:
I’ll just use my sonic screwdriver to seal this thing shut and the Dalek will be right as rain. All systems fully functioning again, including the one back there that keeps the Dalek pure and evil, and oh shit, I see my mistake now.

INT. DEEP SPACE MILITARY BASE

The Dalek goes on a rampage, slaughtering countless soldiers.

INT. DALEK

THE DOCTOR:
None of those dead soldiers were attractive young women with British accents, right? Good, no harm done.

RED SHIRT #2:
What about me, Doctor? Am I attractive enough for you to care? Because I’m willing to sacrifice my life to get you past all these antibodies so you can go give this Dalek the exact same type of brain damage it had before!

THE DOCTOR:
(shrugs)
I guess you’ll do.

Red Shirt #2 dies heroically. The Doctor and Clara split up so she can deal with the Dalek’s mechanical brain while he deals with its organic one.

CLARA:
The trick is for me to reawaken the now-suppressed memories that made this Dalek hate its own kind. Too bad I know shit about human technology, much less this insanely advanced Dalek memory core.

BLUE:
You know, if we were in an old G.I. Joe cartoon, these giant lights on the wall would correspond to specific memories and we’d know exactly which ones were being suppressed because the lights are out!

CLARA:
Yeah, and then I’d be able to fix it just by giving each light a good smack!

Clara and Blue share a good laugh because THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY the solution could be that mind-bogglingly stupid, right? Right??

Meanwhile, The Doctor is confronting the Dalek’s organic self, face-to-slug.

THE DOCTOR:
(stalling)
Hey, where are you from?

DALEK:
Skaro.

THE DOCTOR:
Sorry?

DALEK:
Skaro.

THE DOCTOR:
I heard you, I’m just sorry. HEY-OH!

Back in the mechanical brain, Clara and Blue are under attack!

BLUE:
More antibodies! I’ll hold them off!

CLARA:
Hey, our stupid smack-the-light strategy actually works! Thanks, G.I. Joe cartoons. Turns out “blind luck” is half the battle.

Back on The Doctor’s side, the lights start changing.

THE DOCTOR:
Clearly that means your memories are returning! Now try some of mine!

The Doctor uses his Vulcan Mind Meld powers to force feed the Dalek all of his memories of the beauty and wonders of the universe. The Dalek just shrugs and starts poking through The Doctor’s mental wank bank instead.

DALEK:
Ooooo, naked selfies of Jennifer Lawrence! This universe is worth saving! Death to the Daleks! Exterminate all Daleks!

Back in the mechanical brain, all the antibodies suddenly drop dead.

BLUE:
So that’s it? We win?

CLARA:
Duh, their boss is defeated. Haven’t you seen the Avengers? Or our last episode?

THE DOCTOR:
Also, look around. We’re back to being big and outside the Dalek again.

HEAD SPACE MARINE:
So what happened in there? Did the Dalek look inside your head and see a blinding hatred for his entire species that matched his own?

THE DOCTOR:
Um… yes. Let’s go with that.

BLUE:
Doctor, take me with you! I want to be your companion!

THE DOCTOR:
What, do you think this is American television? We don’t have to kiss the ass of the military over here. Fuck soldiers. And fuck you in particular. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to diligently ignoring whatever the hell it is the Daleks are doing in this part of the universe and trust the military deal with it. Irony alert!

END.

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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  • DrShitferbrains

    Oh that’s the stuff…. Your Doctor Who recaps are one of my favorite things on the internet. If you want to skip the Robin Hood episode, I’m totally down with that.

    • Thanks! Ridiculous recaps and abridged scripts are where the site is going. Just waiting for the fall season to get into gear.No skipping for me; where the Doctor goes, I go!

      • DrShitferbrains

        That’s very brave of you. I’m glad you’re not a soldier.

      • Claire

        Applause. Keep it up, Rick. Your Doctor Who recaps are great.

  • Nixon, etc.

    Hey Rick! I wish you the best!Fanfic – FAIL!Good luck!