Doctor Who RECAP: Even as an unstoppable undead cyborg, Danny is still pretty lame (S8:E12)

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FADE IN:

INT. 3W CORPORATION

Clara is facing off with a Cyberman who suffers the same fatal flaw of all Cybermen and Doctor Who villains in general: he’s too polite to shoot someone while they’re talking.

CLARA:
You don’t wanna shoot me because I’m not really a human named Clara, that’s just a front, I’m really The Doctor, your most feared enemy, the one person you want dead more than anyone else in the universe, and I may not have thought this through.

It works anyway.

EXT. LONDON

Tourists and locals are taking selfies with the rampaging hordes of Cybermen, who are less “rampaging” than docile and less “hordes” than maybe eight, so much for that cliffhanger.

MISSY:
And so you see, Doctor, evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.

KATE STEWART:
Now!

Yes, Kate Stewart, head of U.N.I.T., is there! And the locals/tourists are all U.N.I.T. soldiers in disguise!

What British people think everyday life is like in America.

What British people think everyday life is like in America.

Thanks to this clever ruse, they’ve got all the Cybermen surrounded! …except then they don’t. All the U.N.I.T. soldiers are suddenly lined up behind Kate in formation, while all the Cybermen are lined up facing them in opposite formation like the Sharks and the Jets about to break into a dance routine.

THE DOCTOR:
Kate! How did you know to be here right at this moment and how did you know to bring the severed head of an old Cyberman to show you mean business?

KATE STEWART:
We’ve been investigating the 3W Corporation for quite a while.

THE DOCTOR:
That doesn’t answer either of my questions.

KATE STEWART:
Too bad. That’s all the explanation you’re getting.

MISSY:
I’m still trying to figure out the point of getting the drop on all my Cybermen in disguise. You could have just marched right up to us in uniform if you were just going to retreat into formation and then stand around chatting while I do this.
(presses button on wristband)

The Cybermen turn on their officially licensed Iron Man® foot rockets and fly away. Then the 3W Corporation building opens up like a Blooming Onion so all of the Cybermen inside can fly away too.

MISSY:
Sure, opening up the entire roof was a bit overkill just so 91 Cybermen could fly off. A small hatch in the roof would have done just fine. Or the front door. But what kind of supervillain would I be without vaingloriously elaborate reveals?

THE DOCTOR:
91? That’s one for every major metropolitan area in the United Kingdom!

MISSY:
Exactly! And now behold the power of cloud computing! The Cyberman assigned to London explodes in the sky, creating a giant, evil cloud that rolls out over the city.

KATE STEWART:
Oh, no! The Earth is under attack by aliens. Again. Time to enact the protocols.

The U.N.I.T. soldiers tranquilize both Missy and The Doctor into unconsciousness.

INT. THE AFTERLIFE

Danny and the Bureaucrat are still hanging out on the balcony, although Danny’s cliffhanger about signing his soul away to the Cybermen has suddenly vanished, preempted by the apparent shutdown of heaven.

BUREAUCRAT:
Alas, I guess I might as well come clean. When you died, your mind was downloaded into a computer cloud, which is now becoming a literal cloud, because wordplay is so much more important than coherence in Doctor Who scripts these days. Now the cloud is going to rain the souls of the dead down upon the cemeteries, and their bodies will rise up as Cybermen. Including you, even though you haven’t signed your contract yet, but I’m sure that won’t come back to bite us in the ass.

EXT. LONDON

A trickle of rain falls from the cloud, collects on the ground, wanders in and out of drain pipes, takes a guided tour of Buckingham Palace, stops by the pub for a pint, and finally ends up at the morgue, where it climbs up a gurney and slips under the sheet into one of the dead bodies. Seconds later, a Cyberman arrises! …and WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GET ALL THE METAL AND CIRCUITRY AND JUNK TO MAKE A CYBERMAN BODY?!

INT. U.N.I.T. AIR BASE

The Doctor awakes.

THE DOCTOR:
Da fuq?

KATE STEWART:
Sorry, we don’t trust you enough that you’d come here and help us on your own. But we do trust you enough to make you absolute dictator of the world. Which you now are. We totally have that authority.

THE DOCTOR:
Will my newfound power and position have any effect on the plot whatsoever or is it just a throwaway line to impress the 10-year-old boys in the audience?

KATE STEWART:
The second one.

THE DOCTOR:
Very well, then I accept.

INT. 3W CORPORATION

Clara is being held captive by three Cybermen now, and is still babbling to keep them from killing her.

CLARA:
Yep, I’m from Gallifrey, good ol’ Gallifrey, where I played time-rugby with my time-buddies, and—

A fourth Cyberman approaches.

CYBERMAN:
You are Clara Oswald, school teacher, 26-years-old, companion to The Doctor, mediocre in bed.

CLARA:
What was that last one?

The Cyberman zaps Clara into unconsciousness and then blows the other Cybermen to hell.

INT. U.N.I.T. COMMAND PLANE

Missy is awake but tied up.

THE DOCTOR:
How are you alive?

MISSY:
You saved me when you saved Gallifrey by sending it another dimension, but I escaped back into this one.

THE DOCTOR:
But you weren’t on Gallifrey when I saved it. You were hiding from the Time War in a human body at the end of the universe. And then you died here on Earth to save the universe from Timothy Dalton.

MISSY:
Stephen Moffat doesn’t care about details and neither should you.

THE DOCTOR:
Sigh. Fine. What’s your plan?

MISSY:
Um, to conquer the planet with an army of Cybermen?

THE DOCTOR:
What?! That’s diabolical! We’ll never be able to defeat you!

That apparently ends the interrogation.

"I've always felt previous seasons had a distinct lack of pessimism."

“I’ve always felt previous seasons had a distinct lack of pessimism.”

BOW TIE GIRL FROM THAT ONE MATT SMITH EPISODE:
Say, I was wondering if that might be The Master regenerated as a woman?

THE DOCTOR:
You’re pretty clever. Wanna accompany me as my new companion?

BOW TIE GIRL FROM THAT ONE MATT SMITH EPISODE:
Oh, shit, I’m going to die, aren’t I? I knew I shouldn’t have been so likeable, damn it.

EXT. CEMETERY

Clara awakes in a graveyard with Cybermen rising all around her! …or at least you’d think that sentence would deserve an exclamation mark, but it doesn’t, because the new Cybermen are just kind of puttering around.

INT. U.N.I.T COMMAND PLANE

The Doctor is admiring a portrait of Kate Stewart’s father, the old head of U.N.I.T.

"Most fans think we're actually going to address my passionate hatred for soldiers this season. Suckers."

“Most fans think we’re actually going to address my passionate hatred for soldiers this season. Suckers.”

THE DOCTOR:
Back before my near-psychotic level of hatred for soldiers, your father and I got along smashingly well.

KATE STEWART:
Yes, I know. His greatest desire was that you salute him back just once.

THE DOCTOR:
I’ll remember that in case it becomes relevant later.

KATE STEWART:
The good news is that the Cybermen have yet to do anything but crawl out of their respective graves, magically in full Cybermen gear.

THE DOCTOR:
The bad news is that we’re utterly defeated and everything is hopeless, HOPELESS I TELL YOU!
(beat)
Sorry, just trying to build up the drama for the audience, and the best way to do that is with ham-fisted, out-of-character fear-mongering.

INT. MISSY’S CELL AND BOW TIE GIRL’S LAB, WHICH ARE SOMEHOW THE SAME THING

Bow Tie Girl is trying to get her lab work done, but Missy keeps rudely interrupting.

MISSY:
I have a secret to tell you, but first I need you to lean over close to me because apparently you’ve never seen any sort of movie or TV show with a dastardly villain before.

BOW TIE GIRL:
Okay.

MISSY:
(whispering in her ear)
Remember when you took my evil ray gun from me? Did it occur to you to take it out of your pocket?

Missy pickpockets the ray gun and kills everyone in the room, including Bow Tie Girl, who turned out to be much too stupid to be a companion anyway, so no big loss.

EXT. CEMETARY

Clara somehow knows which of the Cybermen in the graveyard saved her, even though they’re all steadfastly ignoring her.

Some shows feel the need to have their bad guys actually do something. This is not one of those shows.

Some shows feel the need to have their bad guys actually do something. This is not one of those shows.

CLARA:
Where is The Doctor? I have to find him, because he means more to me than anyone else in the world!! ANYONE!!!

The Cyberman removes his face plate, and it’s Danny.

DANNY:
I’m back from the dead and now I’m an almost indestructible cyborg superhero—HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?!!

CLARA:
Um, you’re supposed to be upset.

DANNY:
Why the hell would I be upset? I’m like Iron Man if Iron Man got to hang out with The Doctor! I’m a Gary Stu fan-fiction come to life!!

CLARA:
(points to the script)

DANNY:
Fine, damn it.
(puts on a mopey face)
Clara, please help me turn on the emotional inhibitor so I don’t have to deal with the nightmare of coming back from the dead as an unstoppable badass half-man, half-machine demigod.

Tell the truth - do I look more like Terrance Howard or Don Cheadle?

“My Don Cheadle cosplay went horribly wrong.”

INT. U.N.I.T COMMAND PLANE

The Doctor looks out the window.

THE DOCTOR:
There’s a Cyberman! On the wing the plane!

KATE STEWART:
Gee, who knew they could fly now? Besides ALL OF US. We really should have seen this coming.

MISSY:
Also, I’m free and going to kill you all.

The Cybermen start ripping the plane to shreds. Then the TARDIS phone rings.

THE DOCTOR:
Oh yeah, the TARDIS is here. Maybe I should have been loading people into it when the Cybermen started their attack.

MISSY:
Just get the phone. It’s Clara. I’ve been manipulating you two into staying together for two seasons now.

THE DOCTOR:
Why? How does she tie into your diabolical scheme?

MISSY:
She doesn’t. I just like that she bosses you around.

THE DOCTOR:
Really? That’s it?

MISSY:
Really.

THE DOCTOR:
Of all the flimsy, lame pretexts—

MISSY:
Just answer the damn phone.

He does.

CLARA:
(on phone)
Tell me how to turn Danny into a full Cyberman because he’s got all of their superpowers but still has complete freedom.

THE DOCTOR:
(on phone)
THAT’S AWESOME! What’s the problem here?!

CLARA:
All you men sound just alike!
(throws the phone away)

THE DOCTOR:
Good to see she hasn’t lost the self-destructive, melodramatic flare she suddenly developed last episode. Although I’m not sure turning Clara into the absolute worst example of a “petulant, over-emotional, short-sighted female” stereotype should be praised as character consistency.

MISSY:
Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t throw them out of a rapidly disintegrating plane. Oh, wait, yes you can.

Missy tosses Kate Stewart out a hole in the plane.

MISSY:
Bye, now!

Missy teleports away, and the Cybermen blow up the plane with The Doctor on it!

Totally survivable.

Totally survivable.

INT. THE AFTERLIFE

Missy and the Bureaucrat are watching The Doctor—who somehow survived the explosion—fall 50,000 feet to his death on a computer monitor.

MISSY:
Wait, I’m actually a living person with a real body, and this place only exists in a computer simulation running on a hard drive. How the hell did I end up here?

On the computer screen, The Doctor summons his TARDIS to catch him midair, pissing Missy off to no end, which will soon make absolutely no sense.

EXT. CEMETERY

Clara is randomly fiddling about with Danny’s circuitry and gizmos hoping something turns on the emotional inhibitor when the TARDIS shows up and out pops The Doctor.

THE DOCTOR:
Stop! If you turn on the inhibitor, he’ll become a full Cyberman and immediately kill you.

CLARA:
I’m inexplicably okay with that.

DANNY:
Me, too.

THE DOCTOR:
Wait, really? Are you both mental? What we need to do is get Danny to look inside his cyborg brain and tell me what the Cybermen’s plan is.

DANNY:
I don’t have access to the plan because I’m not fully part of their network. You’ll have to turn on the inhibitor chip before I can see it. Now let’s see what kind of a man you are, Doctor. Will you turn me into a full Cyberman just to get a tactical advantage?

THE DOCTOR:
Nah, I’ll make Clara do it.

DANNY:
That’s… sadistic.

THE DOCTOR:
Eh.

The Doctor hands Clara the sonic screwdriver and tells her all she has to do is “point and think.” Clara and Danny exchange I love yous and goodbyes, then she turns on the inhibitor.

THE DOCTOR:
Wait! Why would Danny share the Cybermen’s plan with us after he’s fully on their side? Oops, too late now.

DANNY:
There’s more than just souls in the Cybermen clouds that now cover the globe. The next rain will poison the Earth and kill all humans, so they can all be turned into Cybermen.

Missy suddenly shows up and tries to kill Danny to… stop him from talking? Even though she’s about to reveal her entire evil plan anyway? No clue, but it doesn’t really matter—The Doctor knocks her evil ray gun from her hand.

MISSY:
Anyway, as the stage directions just said, I’m about to tell you my whole plan. The poison rain thing is just an insurance policy to make sure you take me up on my offer, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR:
What offer?

MISSY:
Here.
(tosses him the control module to the Cybermen army)
They’re yours now. From now on, you’re no longer just one person running around behind the scenes saving this group here and these people there. Instead, you can send in the most powerful army in the universe—the undead Cybermen—to right any wrongs, end any wars, rectify any situation no matter how large or small to suit your own personal morality. And if you don’t accept this army as your own, I’ll wipe out the human race.

THE DOCTOR:
But why?

MISSY:
Because I want us to be friends again. That’s my entire motivation.

DOCTOR WHO RECAP: Even as an unstoppable undead cyborg, Danny is still pretty lame (S8:E12)

“Like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

MISSY:
See, if I can just get you to pull your “I’m the smartest person in the universe and know better than everyone else” schtick on a large enough scale, you’ll see we’re the same—just a couple of an egomaniacal control freaks who want to reorder the universe in our own image. Whadaya say, BFF?

The Doctor bursts out laughing and smooches Missy on the lips.

THE DOCTOR:
Thank you for reminding me that I’m nothing more than an idiot with a screwdriver and a blue box. I’ve been agonizing all season over whether I’m a good man or a bad man, when the truth is somewhere in between. And I’m going to keep doing my best to do what’s right, but I’m going to keep doing it on a small scale rather than an omnipotent one because I’m not perfect. Or at least I think that’s the epiphany I’m supposed to have had; it’s really not very clear with how much I babble. Now let’s talk about Danny. You know why he’s not under full Cyberman control despite the inhibitor chip being turned on? Because love is not an emotion, it’s a promise. And semantic games like that are enough to keep Danny’s love for Clara going strong despite being a Cyberman, or some such shit. Why love never kept any of those other people from becoming full-fledged Cybermen, I don’t know. I guess they were all just shitty people who never really loved anyone. Danny’s the first ever. So, Danny, I’m giving you control of the Cybermen army.

He tosses Danny the control module.

CLARA:
Um, what? Isn’t Missy going to destroy all human life now?

DANNY:
No, because I’m going to order all my Cybermen to fly up into the cloud and self-destruct… because the cloud is flammable… but only to burning Cybermen… or something!

Danny gives a rousing speech to the Cybermen, which is a complete waste of time because they’re all mindless slaves except him. I might as well give a rousing speech to my keyboard before every recap. Then Danny carries out his plan, and the cloud burns away with no damage to Earth’s environment or atmosphere, why not?

CLARA:
(holding Missy’s evil ray gun)
Time to die, Missy!

THE DOCTOR:
Clara, I can’t allow you to kill someone in cold blood! So I’ll do it. Because you only not killing someone because you’ve found someone to do it for you completely absolves you from blame.

MISSY:
Wait! Gallifrey has returned to its normal place in the universe for some reason! We can return there together!

THE DOCTOR:
Sorry, I promised Clara I’d kill you. Goodbye, old friend.

But a Cyberman evaporates Missy before The Doctor can pull the trigger! Because not killing someone because someone else beat you to it also absolves you from blame.

CLARA:
Is it Danny?

THE DOCTOR:
No, that would make sense and follow from what we’ve seen so far. After all, he’s got free will and a slave army he can order to self-destruct in his place. But fuck coherent narrative! This is an entirely different free-willed Cyberman we haven’t seen before—Kate Stewart’s dead father.
(salutes him)

CLARA:
Say, you don’t think that evaporation special effect looked a little too much like Missy’s teleportation special effect, do you?

THE DOCTOR:
Nah. When Moffat brings back The Master again—and he will—it’ll have a much more preposterous, out-of-left-field, poorly explained, and entirely unhinted-at-previously explanation.

CLARA:
Good point.

UNDEAD CYBERMAN BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART:
So, what happens to me now? Nothing? Just going to leave this thread completely loose? Fine, then.

INT. CLARA’S APARTMENT

Two weeks later, Clara is asleep when she hears Danny’s voice. She runs to the hallway where there’s a foggy white portal to the Afterlife.

CLARA:
Danny! The Doctor said the Cyberman control module might be able to bring you back!

DANNY:
Did he explain why I would have the control module in the Afterlife when it blew up on my body and only my mind gets downloaded onto the Gallifreyan hard drive?

CLARA:
Well, no.

DANNY:
Did he explain why my mind would end up back in the Gallifreyan hard drive at all? Or if I’m stuck in this fake Afterlife for all eternity?

CLARA:
Well, no.

DANNY:
What about all the other souls? Apparently every dead person since the dawn of human culture was collected by Missy in this machine. What happens to them now? Are we going to address that at all?

CLARA:
Again, no.

DANNY:
Then fuck it. I don’t want back on this show.

Danny sends back the 12-year-old boy he accidentally killed in Iraq in his place.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Clara and The Doctor meet for coffee.

CLARA:
Doctor, there’s something I need to tell y—

THE DOCTOR:
Let me guess. You and the newly reincarnated Danny Pink are going to get married and haves lots of babies so you can’t go out adventuring with me anymore.

CLARA:
Um… yes. That’s exactly right.

THE DOCTOR:
That’s fine because I’m heading home to Gallifrey to live there for the rest of my life. No more adventures for me either.

In a quick flashback, we see The Doctor look upon the newly restored Gallifrey from the TARDIS… then turn away in horror and despair… although we don’t see why.

CLARA:
Great, so we’re both telling each other we’re about to live happily ever after.

THE DOCTOR:
Yep. The perfect ending to our friendship.

CLARA:
Well, at least I got one emotionally complex and compelling scene before leaving the show forever.

CRED—

Santa Claus shows up on the TARDIS.

SANTA CLAUS:
Don’t forget next month’s Doctor Who Christmas special!

CREDITS.

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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  • sousaphone93

    I laughed out loud at caption for the UNIT screencap with the guns. Can any British people confirm if that’s how they really think of us?