Doctor Who RECAP: Deep Breath (8.1)

FADE IN:

EXT. VICTORIAN LONDON

A tyrannosaurus rex is splashing around in the Thames River, trying make the international sign for “choking,” but his poor little t-rex arms aren’t long enough.

MADAME VASTRA:
It is I, a beloved side character from seasons past, come to give my blessing to the new incarnation of our hero so as to facilitate the audience’s acceptance of his new persona. Furthermore, as an unfrozen reptilian from Earth’s ancient past, I can immediately recognize when a dinosaur is choking. Which this one is.

The t-rex coughs up the TARDIS, which lands on riverbank. Out pops the new Doctor!

THE DOCTOR:
Am I still zany? I think I might be zany.

The Doctor retreats into the TARDIS.

MADAME VASTRA:
Don’t worry, I’ve created a sonic fence around the t-rex so he’s completely contained.

ENTIRE CITY OF LONDON:
Jolly good. Pip, pip. We’ll just go about our business then.

From then on, no one seems to care that there’s a dinosaur hanging out in the Thames, possibly because he so diligently remains juuuust out of frame to spare the special effects budget.

The Doctor pops out again, this time with Clara.

THE DOCTOR:
It is entirely possible I might be madcap instead.

CLARA:
I’ll tell you what you are! Old and icky! Ew, gross!

MADAME VASTRA:
Okay, everyone. Back to my elaborate Victorian mansion. Apparently being a consulting detective slash parlor room psychic pays extremely well in the Doctor Who universe.

THE DOCTOR:
Wait, did she say consulting detective? Written by Stephen Moffat? That seems so familiar somehow.

INT. MADAME VASTRA’S HOME

Madame Vastra, her human wife Jenny Flint, and their Sontaran butler Strax help put the Doctor to bed, then retire to the parlor room.

JENNY FLINT:
We should probably explain to the new viewers why there’s a sleestak living in Victorian London with a giant tube of brown chapstick in a tuxedo for a manservant.

MADAME VASTRA:
Bah, next you’re going to say we should sit down with Clara, patiently explain the Doctor’s regeneration process, and answer all her perfectly natural questions and concerns.

JENNY FLINT:
Actually, I was going to ask why we ancillary characters know everything about the Doctor’s regeneration when his closest companion knows nothing.

MADAME VASTRA:
And that’s why I rudely but comically dismiss everything you have to say.

STRAX:
Why don’t we beat Clara to death with her own toenails? Er, I mean does anyone want some tea?

INT. DOCTOR’S BEDROOM

The Doctor is awake and scrawling mathematical equations all over the floor in chalk for reasons that will never be addressed so apparently Moffat just thought it would look cool.

THE DOCTOR:
That poor dinosaur is so alone and scared! It’s name is Wally and it wants nothing more than to get back to its mommy and it’s three days from retirement and it does charity work with the elderly on weekends and have we built up enough sympathy for him yet that this can happen?

Off in the distance, the t-rex bursts into flames!

INT. MADAME VASTRA’S PARLOR

Madame Vastra is having a friendly get-to-know-you chat with Clara.

MADAME VASTRA:
–and that’s why you’re a lusty little trollop. Now let’s talk about your hair.

JENNY FLINT:
The dinosaur is on fire!

STRAX:
I shall force-feed you Diet Coke and Mentos until you all explode! Er, I mean, I’ll go get the carriage.

They speed away in the carriage, just barely missing the Doctor as he steals a horse and races off to the flaming dinosaur.

EXT. THAMES RIVER

Clara and crew arrive on the scene, but the Doctor is already there.

THE DOCTOR:
Why would anyone kill this majestic creature!

CLARA:
It’s a fucking dinosaur in the middle of London. What did you think the authorities were going to do?

THE DOCTOR:
No, this was the clearly act of a serial killer.

MADAME VASTRA:
There has been a rash of mysterious spontaneous combustion deaths lately.

THE DOCTOR:
You clearly have information that would be useful to me. We should never talk again. Good-bye.

The Doctor jumps in the Thames River.

CLARA:
Are we going to go after him?

MADAME VASTRA:
Nah. Nor are we going after that slowly walking person in the distance that we unanimously agree must be the killer.

STRAX:
Now to impale you all with my collection of official Ninth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver™ reproductions! Er, I mean, I’ll take you back to the house.

EXT. ALLEY – THE NEXT DAY

The Doctor is staring at himself in a broken mirror when a homeless man approaches.

THE DOCTOR:
Who am I? Why this face? Is this a Scottish accent?

HOMELESS MAN:
Yep, they’re letting you keep your real Scottish accent. David Tenant says “fuck you,” by the way.

THE DOCTOR:
This face seems so familiar somehow.

HOMELESS MAN:
Yeah, Moffat said he was going to make a thing out of how you’ve been on Doctor Who before as another character.

THE DOCTOR:
Two, if you count Torchwood.

HOMELESS MAN:
We don’t.

THE DOCTOR:
So many questions. Where do my new faces come from? Can anyone ever really know the true me? Must my name until I die, be no more than an alibi? Must I lie? How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I ever face myself again? And most importantly, how is that I’ve put more emotional depth in this one scene than Matt Smith did in three seasons of being the Doctor?

INT. MADAME VASTRA’S HOUSE

Strax gives Clara a quick scan with his medical tri-corder.

STRAX:
Why don’t your lips move when you talk?

CLARA:
Those are my eyes. Wait, YOU HAVE LIPS AND EYES TOO. How can you possibly confuse them on me?

STRAX:
Look, a lot of this humor is hit and miss.

CLARA:
Maybe we should just move the plot along. Hey, a newspaper ad!

Clara runs off to Madame Vastra and Jenny.

MADAME VASTRA:
Ha, ha! I made you stand in a tortuous position for hours and I wasn’t even really painting you at all!

JENNY FLINT:
Oh, you!

CLARA:
Um, you’re not mad about that?

JENNY FLINT:
Treating me like shit is how she flirts with me.

CLARA:
How disturbing. Anyway, look at this newspaper ad. Someone’s asking the “Impossible Girl”–a.k.a., me–to lunch!

INT. RESTAURANT

Clara is sitting at a table when the Doctor strolls in and joins her.

CLARA:
Banter!

THE DOCTOR:
Banter!

CLARA:
Ah, just like old times.

THE DOCTOR:
Speaking of, did you notice that everyone else in the restaurant is a clockwork robot using parts from real humans? It’s all so familiar somehow.

CLARA:
I can’t understand a word you’re saying. You can either talk in a Scottish accent or you can whisper. You can’t do both.

Metal bars suddenly pin the Doctor and Clara to their seats, which descend through the floor down a long elevator shaft into a buried spaceship.

THE DOCTOR:
I’ve got it! This is just like the spaceship “Madame de Pompadour” from that really cool David Tenant episode where the robots malfunctioned and started harvesting human parts for mechanical repairs!

CLARA:
Yeah, the fans figured that out twenty minutes ago.

THE DOCTOR:
Yeah, but this is the Madame de Pampadour’s sister ship, which accidentally time traveled to ancient Earth, crashing under what would become modern-day London. And now, sixty-six million years later, the robots built a restaurant to lure in humans, who get then harvested for spare parts.

CLARA:

THE DOCTOR:
Yes, that’s the plot we’re going with. Now get my sonic screwdriver.

Clara flicks the sonic screwdriver directly into the Doctor’s dick.

THE DOCTOR:
Talk about hit-or-miss comedy. ZING!

They break free.

CLARA:
Okay, all the clockwork zombies are currently asleep in their Borg modules. Let’s use the sonic screwdriver to disable their metal innards and be done with it.

THE DOCTOR:
Is that what the Doctor would do?

CLARA:
No, he’d inexplicably throw his companion to the wolves until the very last second, then swoop in to save the day.

THE DOCTOR:
Consider it done.

The Doctor runs off, locking Clara alone in the room with the slowly waking clockwork zombies.

CLARA:
Wait! Robots don’t breathe. If I hold my breath, they’ll think I’m one of them!

Her plan works! Unfortunately, Clara passes out from embarrassment over how stupid it is.

The robots take Clara to their leader… the HALF-FACE MAN.

CLARA:
That is the best fucking special effect Doctor Who has ever had.

HALF-FACE MAN:
Thank you. Now tell me where the Doctor is or I’ll kill you.

CLARA:
Fortunately I had just the right flashback when I passed out so I know you’re bluffing.

HALF-FACE MAN:
Okay, torture then.

CLARA:
I did not think this plan through. But I don’t have to. I just have to wait until the last second.

One of the flesh-covered robots turns out to be the Doctor in disguise! Meaning the Doctor killed a clockwork zombie, peeled its skin off, and covered himself in its dead flesh!

CLARA:
Okay, now what?

THE DOCTOR:
Well, it’s not like I’m going to die in my first episode. Something will save us.

Madame Vastra, Jenny, and Strax come crashing through the ceiling on zip lines.

HALF-FACE MAN:
While my zombie robots kill you, I shall escape in a hot air balloon made of human skin!

THE DOCTOR:
You know, you’re not actually REQUIRED to use human parts for everything. You’re in the middle of London. There are other resources.

The Half-Face Man flees, but the Doctor follows.

STRAX:
At last I shall prove my warrior prowess! I shall annihilate these clockwork zombies with this giant laser gun I brought!

Somehow this doesn’t work.

CLARA:
Everybody hold your breath!

Somehow this does work.

INT. HOT AIR BALLOON.

The Doctor confronts the Half-Face Man.

THE DOCTOR:
You’re not a robot anymore. You’re something new. You can choose to change paths and live in peace with humans.

HALF-FACE MAN:
No, I must keep trying to reach the promised land…heaven.

THE DOCTOR:
Oh, you’re a religious fundamentalist. Then forget it. There’s only one cure for that.

The Half-Face Man goes splat on a tall building.

INT. UNDER THE RESTAURANT

Just as our heroes run out of breath, the clockwork zombies all fall over dead.

STRAX:
Is that it?

CLARA:
Duh, their boss is dead. Haven’t you seen the Avengers?

INT. MADAME VASTRA’S HOUSE

The Doctor has run off in his TARDIS, leaving Clara behind.

CLARA:
Alas, I’ve been abandoned! Oh, the pathos!

MADAME VASTRA:
No one’s buying this shit. We all know you’re under contract until the Christmas episode.

The Doctor returns and picks up Clara.

CLARA:
I can’t take this life anymore. Take me home to my time.

THE DOCTOR:
Weren’t you just bitching about being left behind?

CLARA:
Yeah, but then I remembered how old you are now. Yicky.

THE DOCTOR:
I’m old now because I was wrong to manipulate you romantically. I chose this face because I want you to see me as a guide and mentor, not a romantic partner.

CLARA:
Forget it. If you’re not young and cute, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Clara’s phone rings.

THE DOCTOR:
Better take that.

MATT SMITH:
(on the phone)
Please don’t leave me. I know you’re going to be scared and confused right now, but believe me, I’m even more scared and confused.

THE DOCTOR:
I placed that call before I learned my lesson about manipulating you emotionally. Still, whatever works.

CLARA:
I’m in! Let’s go!

They run off together! …for coffee. Feel the excitement.

EXT. EPILOGUE

The Half-Face Man wakes up in a beautiful garden.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN:
Welcome to heaven. I’m the new overarching villain for the season. Possibly God, possibly Mary Poppins.

HALF-FACE MAN:
Let me guess. You’re a ball-busting, sexually aggressive female stalker whose brash independent streak doesn’t extend to being able to think of anything but your obsession with the Doctor.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN:
Yes, how did you know?

HALF-FACE MAN:
New Doctor, same Stephen Moffat.

END.

 

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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  • TrillianSwan

    *slowclap* Brilliant. 🙂

  • DrShitferbrains

    I…. I think I love you….

    • Don’t say it unless you mean it, Sam. This is all happening so fast! And there’s something I have to tell you… the baby isn’t yours!

      • DrShitferbrains

        Spoilers….

  • malsperanza

    Well done! Also:VASTRA: Hey everyone, we’re married! I’m a girl and I’m married to a girl! Shall I repeat that? Just like all the hetero married couples on Dr. Who, I will mention the fact that I’m married as often as I can because Moffat is SO TOO every bit as broad-minded as Russell Davies and the best way to show that is to have the gay characters keep mentioning how normal they are. JENNY FLINT: She’s got a lizard face but I love her anyway. DUDES WHAT? THAT’S HOW METAPHORS WORK, DUH. And:THE DOCTOR: Give me your coat!HOMELESS MAN: It’s cold and I’m desperately impoverished, and I’ve just been kindly helping you. Why are you taking my coat? Is it for some crucial plot point that will save the Earth?THE DOCTOR: Later, it will provide a great joke about how bad I smell because I’m wearing the coat of a reeking homeless person.HOMELESS MAN: So, the Twelfth Doctor is a callous berk.THE DOCTOR: Yep, but don’t worry; after that I’ll throw it away and put on some of Pertwee’s togs. After two thousand years, I know how to dress well.HOMELESS MAN: Well, thank god you got rid of that fucking bow tie, at least.

    • “I’m a girl and I’m married to a girl! Shall I repeat that? Just like all the hetero married couples on Dr. Who, I will mention the fact that I’m married as often as I can.”Thank you, yes!! I tried to work in a joke along those lines several different ways but ended up abandoning it because it never worked with the flow of the script.

  • Claire

    A little more about the Matt Smith appearance:Hello, Clara! This is the Doctor! And by the Doctor, I mean YOUR Doctor, the cute one you had a crush on. I’m calling because I have a feeling your new Doctor is a grouchy old sourpuss, and I don’t want you to leave me! No, what I actually mean is that I don’t want all my old fangirls to stop watching, so I am going to beg you to be nice to Grandpa Grouchy over there. If you accept him, then all those old fangirls who have been pretending to be you in their heads all this time might accept him too! Or at least they’ll keep watching in case I have another unexpected cameo!So embrace the Codger… for my sake. You too, fangirls! Cute, cuddly Doctor, over and out!

    • You nailed it.

    • You see, what I don’t get is – I never found Matt Smith “cute” or “cuddly” or anything other than an occasionally intriguing hyperactive arrested adolescent…with a Great Knobbly Head, as my wife likes to say! How is he such a sex symbol with younger ladies…?

      • Claire

        Shrug. Because some girls find him attractive. I don’t – I personally find him the least physically attractive Doctor of the New Who era – but I am not the sole judge of what other people think is sexy.