Mar 21, 2018
Degrassi Junior High “Eggbert” (part 5 of 5)
And then it’s back over to Loosey’s party, which is turning out to not quite be the blast of the year. The tape deck is all messed up, and a tape has come unspooled and gotten all tangled up. Loosey is in a panic, trying to get it untangled, saying it’s “my dad’s favorite tape!” I’ll just assume it was one of those old school subliminal tapes meant to help him improve his golf swing, or quit smoking, or be an absent father.
Meanwhile, to make up for the lack of a stereo, Wheels has taken out a Walkman, and he and Snake are trying to both listen in on headphones, all huddled together and desperately trying to rock out. Joey puts a soda on the coffee table, and Loosey yells at him to use a coaster. And then Snake complains he can’t hear the Walkman, and Wheels says, “It doesn’t go any louder!” Why don’t they use the turntable? Can’t they play a record? Or am I thinking too hard about this?
So, no surprise, everyone is bored senseless, and this is absolutely nothing like the last Loosey Party. Nope, no boozing, whoring, or impregnating is going on this time around. I blame the fact that Stephanie is currently dressed like a schoolmarm.
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Speaking of Steph, she’s pretty blatantly eavesdropping on Simon asking Alexa to go see a movie sometime. Alexa goes to get them a soda, or “pop” in the Canadian parlance, and Simon tells Snake that he thinks Alexa is “cool”, and “I love the way she dresses!”
Meanwhile, Alexa is over at the fridge, bending over, and showing off her huge ass in Stephanie’s pink spandex pants. I really hate to say this, because I think Alexa is cute, and she shows up in the “reunion” pilot episode of TNG looking radiant, but… there is no way anyone can look at… this… and admire the way she dresses. She looks like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.
Suddenly, Steph demands the whore clothes back, but Alexa refuses. Stephanie even offers to “buy them back”, but Alexa still refuses, much to Stephanie’s frustration. And what you are now watching is the precise moment where Stephanie’s vow to establish a new “mature” image officially ends. From this point forward, she’ll be putting all of her effort behind once again attaining slut status. Jesus. She didn’t even last one full episode. And all of this over what, a boy she’s known for a week?
There’s a knock on the door, and hey, Shane’s here! Spike is furious, and demands to know where Eggbert is. Shane pulls the egg out of his shirt pocket and declares, “Lots of people bring their babies to parties!” Yeah, and lots of people text message while driving a car with their feet, but it doesn’t make it a good idea.
But a surprise appearance by Eggbert is just the thing that an entertainment-starved group of teenagers was waiting for. Joey leaps to his feet, and grabs the egg and talks to it, saying, “Let’s get fried!”
And then they all begin tossing the egg around like it’s the most fun they’ve ever had in their lives. You never know which way that crazy egg’s gonna go! Loosey begs them not to mess up her parents’ carpet, but Joey pushes her aside and keeps tossing. Finally, Shane catches Eggbert.
But around the room, emphatic chants of Throw it! Throw it! Throw it! ring out. Shane looks at the egg, looks at his friends, and then has a momentary tense stare down with Spike. But Shane can’t resist the exhilaration of all that sweet egg tossing action. He grins goofily and throws Eggbert to the next guy.
Spike storms out angrily. Shane immediately gets the egg back, ruining everybody’s fun, and runs out after her.
Spike and Shane have it out on the sidewalk in front of Loosey’s house. Shane says keeping the egg all week was “embarrassing”, but Spike points out something she has to endure that’s a bit more embarrassing than that. Unfortunately, “14 and pregnant” trumps “carrying around an egg” any day. But since she hasn’t said it in about five minutes, she once again says, “I’m gonna get fat!”
She says she’s scared, and Shane is scared too, but as Spike points out, he’s only scared his parents will find out. And that’s the difference between their predicaments: Shane can go home and pretend like nothing happened, whereas Spike has to get big and fat. Which is the way it should be, missy!
Spike: Everywhere I go, I’m pregnant!
Can the lady get a “More You Know” on that?
Shane yells back that it’s just a “stupid egg” and Spike says, “The stupid egg’s not the point!” She grabs it away from him, and in a fit of anger, throws the egg to the pavement. Poor Eggbert goes splat. Whoops! Though, to be fair, I’m pretty sure she did the same thing to Emma a bunch of times, and she came out alright. Well, mostly alright.
Spike stares at the splattered egg, evidently horrified at the possibility of flunking out of a teen pregnancy support group. But then she shoves those thoughts aside to yell at Shane, and tell him he only wants to help her when it’s convenient for him. She says he doesn’t really want to help, “you just want to stop feeling guilty!”
And with that, the pregnant girl goes walking off into the night all alone. Shane looks down at his unborn child, oozing all over the pavement.
Cut to Shane’s house. His doddering parents are busy reading the Bible, and knitting, and waiting for the sweet release of death. Mom is surprised that Shane’s home so early. But then the closing theme music starts to fade in, and we know a momentous line is fast approaching. Shane says, “Mom, Dad. There’s something I’ve got to tell you.” Aaaaand freeze!
But I’m pretty sure the moment immediately following the freeze frame finds Shane’s parents saying, “Actually, we have something to tell you, Shane. You know your sister? She’s actually your mom.” Hey, at least that would explain why they’re so old.
So, I guess this is the part where I tell you what we were supposed to learn from all this. Clearly, the big lesson of the episode is that no amount of hell a man can endure in this lifetime can compare to what a woman has to go through in regards to pregnancy and childbirth. So if you’re male, no matter what adversity life hurls your way, remember to always praise sweet Jesus or sweet Allah or Sweet Caitlin Ryan that you were born with a Y chromosome and therefore cannot get big and fat.
And also, crack is whack.
Next Up: Enter creepy pedophile substitute teacher Mr. Colby, for Degrassi’s most “touching” episode yet! Come on, you know that was funnier than the egg puns.