Apr 18, 2018
Degrassi Junior High “Eggbert” (part 3 of 5)
Steph looks over the new boy, and asks Loosey if that’s the guy from the “Super Crunch Delight commercial on TV”. Loosey thinks it is. Yes, not only is Simon the only pretty boy at Degrassi, but he’s also an actor doing TV commercials, and those commercials just happen to be for the candy bar that made Snake tall. This all seems a little contrived to me.
Raditch breaks up their tête-à-tête, bringing the famous Raditch heat, and warning them that if they don’t pay attention in class, they will “suffer the consequences”. By which he means, even harsher consequences than when Loosey went to juvie for shoplifting last semester, or when Steph was almost date raped by a soap opera star, all of which happened on the same night, I might add. What a night!
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And then, it’s over to Ms. Avery’s classroom, where Ms. Avery tells the assembled class, “It’s good to see all your smiling faces again!” And I must say, is it great to see your smiling face again too, Ms. Avery. You really have no idea.
She introduces her students to their new classmate, Scott Webster, who’s the little kid that Yick and Arthur spat on in the hallways. She says he’s been “accelerated to junior high”, and she hopes they’ll all make him feel welcome. They will not.
They all give an obligatory “hi, Scott”, but he tells them that “everyone calls me Scooter”. And I doubt anyone really cares, but I am compelled to mention that Scooter is played by the younger brother of the actress who plays VP Susie Rivera. But he’s not actually playing Susie’s younger brother here. On top of that, later in the season we’ll meet Susie’s younger sister, who’s played by the younger sister of the actress playing Loosey. Trust me, it all makes sense after a few drinks. Oh, and the actor playing Scooter was also on the earlier show The Kids of Degrassi Street, and yes, at that point, he was a zygote.
And then Arthur squirts Yick in the face again with a water gun, causing Yick to yell out in class. Ms. Avery asks if Yick has something to say, and he replies, “No, Ms. Avery.” Interestingly, she doesn’t wonder why his face is suddenly all wet. Maybe she doesn’t really want to know. And with that, we leave the far less interesting Grade 7 antics to return to Shane and Spike in the stairwell, hashing out their animosity yet again.
Shane says, “I’m sorry you got pregnant, okay, it was an accident! Why can’t we be friends like before?” Are they still having this argument? Jesus, Shane, find new friends! Spike yells back, “I wasn’t pregnant before!” And naturally, a couple of kids walk past in the stairwell, staring directly at the two of them, and not even trying to hide it. The old Degrassi Awkward Stairwell Walk-by is in full effect in the new year.
Shane says he wants to help. I mean, he really wants to help. And with that, he has walked directly into Spike’s trap: She hands over Eggbert, telling him that if he wants to help, he can watch the egg until next Monday, and until then, it’s a “real baby”. Shane just laughs this off, but Spike tells him this is some serious shit going down, and if he really wants to be of any use, he’ll take care of the egg.
Shane asks how he’s going to explain the egg to his parents. Spike just shrugs and walks away. Nice one. Spike’s name is Paul, and that’s between y’all.
Speaking of the ‘rents, we next find Shane entering his home, a typical suburban house, making sure to hide Eggbert in his shirt pocket on the way in. And here, we meet Shane’s grandmother. Wait… that’s his mother? She’s freaking old! She’s definitely not young and foxy like Spike’s mom.
Shane says he had to stay late at school to talk to someone, and Mom, randomly whisking stuff in a bowl, knows it was a girl. She tells him he “better watch out for those girls, Shane!” You’re just a tad too late on that.
His dad, who is also freaking old, gets off the phone and says there’s trouble. “Amy Carson’s boy, again.” He refuses to elaborate. By any chance, is Amy Carson’s boy also carrying around an egg? Is his name Dave? If so, his dad’s an asshole.
Then Shane’s Mom says she needs two more eggs, and asks Shane to get a couple more from the fridge. And no, this is not going where you think it’s going. Shane’s family will not soon be dining on muffins that taste like his unborn child.
Whatever the problem with Amy Carson’s boy, it’s got Shane’s Dad to thinking. He asks Shane if anyone at Degrassi does drugs, and also, “Have you ever heard of something called crack?” Yes, but all I know is that it’s whack, like your momma. But there’s really nothing to worry about, Shane’s Dad. Clearly, the only crack being smoked at Degrassi is in the writers’ room.
I had no idea there was a big crack epidemic in suburban Toronto, but Shane’s Dad ruefully notes how these days, “kids are messing themselves up one way or another”. But not Shane. His boy Shane is no way and no how a total screw-up who got a girl pregnant. Dad smiles at him, and in response, Shane does some more of his strange mugging.
Also, is Shane’s Dad supposed to be a priest? If not, that is one weird collar he’s wearing. But if he is, I guess we now have a pretty good idea why Shane’s been reluctant to tell him about Spike. Mom cracks a real baby, I mean, an egg into her bowl to put an ironic punctuation mark on the scene, and then it’s off to the next day at school.
Shane is carrying Eggbert around in a little plastic baseball cap, and he’s being harassed by the entire school, with various students following him around and laughing at him and making clucking noises. As Shane walks up the front steps, L.D. is there, and she totally slams him with “How’s Eggbert?” Oh, burn!!
In response, Shane does even more goofy mugging. And here you thought you saw all of the many faces of Shane. It turns out he has lots more faces!
Also sitting on the front steps is Stephanie, who I guess is hanging with the Twins after all. She says she saw the Super Crunch Delight commercial again last night, and she just knows it’s Simon. Heather pipes up with yet another new bit of Degrassi-invented slang. She says, “You guys have been acting like narbos all week!” Yes, “narbo”. And unlike “gurp”, this word will actually be used in future episodes. The funny thing is, in all my years of Degrassi viewing, I never even noticed the “narbo” thing until just now.
But from context, I assume “narbo” means exactly the same thing as “broomhead”, because Heather goes on to point out they could just ask Simon if he’s the guy in the commercial. But oh, no, the girls don’t dare do anything sensible like that. Hence, they are narbos.
And that’s when Simon himself approaches, and Erica sees him coming and gets excited and deliberately shows some leg.
And after all that buildup, all that happens is Simon says hi to them and walks inside, leaving Stephanie and Erica to shriek like, well, schoolgirls. Heather tries to be her usual killjoy self, but they just blow her off.
Cut to Shane in the hallway, experiencing ever more brutal forms of persecution over the whole Eggbert situation. As he stands at his locker, Joey, Snake, and Wheels approach, and it seems they’re basically here to just unload on the guy.
Snake jokes that Eggbert seems a little shy. “Don’t you think it’s time for him to… come out of his shell?” Ugh. You will pay for that, Snake. Honestly, just for that joke, I hope you get cancer. Oops, too late.
Then Wheels offers, “I bet he knows a lot of great ‘yolks’.” And now, I really, really hope Wheels goes to jail, for like a long time.
Joey asks, “When it’s born, do you think it’ll be a guy… or a chick?” Okay, that came off as kind of funny. I don’t know why. I guess Pat Mastroianni didn’t win a Gemini for nothing. The guys eventually give up on torturing him with puns and walk away, but I’m afraid the nightmare that is Shane’s existence has only just begun.