Only 341 Days To Buy Us This Adorable, Non-Creepy 3-D Printed Fetus For Christmas

Since you can’t wrap up ‘arrogant self-righteousness’ in a box, what do you get your pro-life friend for Christmas? Fast Company has found self-righteousness’s runner-up: A 3D fetus “figurine”!
Only 341 Days To Buy Us This Adorable, Non-Creepy 3-D Printed Fetus For Christmas

Holy drunken goatfucker, that is creepy. But wait! Like those infomercials you watch while high at 3 am, THERE’S MORE.

According to the apparently-not-a-parody website, 3D Babies:

At 3D Babies, we create an adorable baby figurine resembling your baby’s facial features and body position.  We use your 3D/4D ultrasound images or newborn baby pictures to create a unique artistic representation of your baby using the latest computer graphics and 3D printing technology.

False. There is no way that can be described as ‘adorable.’ Look at that picture again. That is some serious butchery of the English language, and we are totes fine with moar bad speling of lots of arglebargly stuff, but THAT crosses the line. We are in favor of technology to make our lives better – like the iPad, which is just a larger portable porn machine than the iPhone. But this… this is too much.

The site goes on to say:

This is a great way to share the excitement of your new baby with family and friends.

No. Absolutely not. That is not true. Do not try this at home if you value things like friendship and any modicum of respect among the humans and pets and inanimate objects with whom and which you regularly interact. We can think of a thousand million better ways to share the excitement of a new baby with friends that are less creepy, up to and including having your friends look up your snatch to try to catch a glimpse of your little oven-bun.

In addition to ‘life-size’ versions, you can also get mini-figurines for the low-low cost of $200! But it is important to remember:

Don’t forget the Grandparents.  Order more than one 3D Baby and receive 10% off your order by using the Promotional Code LOVE.

We don’t know what you get for promotion code VOMIT, but we are sure one of you will let us know.

But wait, you say. You do not want/can not have children. But these little fuckers would be great to creep out your in-laws and encourage them to leave sooner rather than later. Are there options for you? OF COURSE THERE ARE!
Will this make an appearance in Suri's Burn Book? We hope so.
This is either the most awesome or terrible thing in the history of our planet. YOU CAN BUY A FIGURINE OF BABY NORTH WEST, the daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.  “Baby North West is a Mini 3D Baby (4 inches crown to rump).” Unfortunately, this is the only celebrity baby available now, but we hope to god that more become available soon, because nothing says you love your child more than selling their likeness to reputable outfits like “3DBabies.com.”

Aren’t convinced yet? Well get out your credit card, because here is the last bit that will make the deal happen:
Ashes to ashes, plastic to plastic.
IT COMES WITH ITS OWN COFFIN, in case you rethink the whole thing and go for a late-term abortion!

Anyway, go buy like a million fetal figurines, for freedom.

[Fast Company / 3D Babies]

 

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  • Lazy Media

    No, it’s not adorable. The word that springs to mind is Preciousssssssssss.

  • laineypc

    The anti-abortion protesters will be handing these to the ladies as they go into Planned Parenthood.

  • Bernarda Alba

    It looks like it’s about to open its eyes and start babbling about its Precious.

  • coozledad

    Good God. I think I know who fathered that sprog. He probably had that same facial expression when he blew his load, too.

  • BigRedDog

    That is not a baby. That is a human-gargoyle hybrid.

  • Caepan

    This doesn’t answer teh most important question…… do they taste as good as real fetuses?

  • maco415

    I’m sorry but my daughter was icky when she was brand new. It’s taken me 19 years to finally forget.

  • BigRedDog

    I wonder what they do when the ultrasound shows the fetus playing with itself.

  • NotConvinced

    The upside is that even the mistake ones, that come out with half a head for instance, can be sold on a gag gift site.

  • NotConvinced

    When you buy ten it comes in a pizza box.

  • brucej

    Good lord that woman’s carrying Gollum!

  • Joseph

    This is too weird even for me and I was OK with the feathered pigeon woman and RealWomen Dolls.

  • bumfug

    Now I know where they got the creature in those fucked up Devil Baby videos.

  • Enfant Terrible

    It might be fun to leave that in an anti-abortion activist’s car and then call the police.

  • JeffWest

    Looks like it would go well with mushrooms and a marsala sauce.

  • JeffWest

    Is it made out of Nerf, so you can golf with it in the nursery?

  • cognito

    Getting one will be the next GOP/RTL requirement before those pesky abortions happen. It even comes in it’s own coffin.

  • uprightape

    I keep mine in a pickle jar…..got pulled over all the time when I hung it from my rear view mirror.