Your ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ Season Three Finale Sadness Thoughts
We’ve complained about “American Horror Story: Coven” since it came back from its midseason break. There were highlights — mostly when Angela Bassett as Marie Laveau showed up at Miss Robichaux’s House for Killing the Same People Over and Over Again, and joined forces, powers, and wicked-ass line readings with Jessica Lange’s Fiona “Goode.”
Bassett and Lange were the greatness of the season. They were identical cousins: beautiful, haughty, campy and hard, and when the two put aside their (murderous) differences for mutual aid and comfort, it was righteous. Fiona swings an axe to the witchhunter’s head? Teammate Marie Laveau is there to snap a cellphone pic. Say cheese! Marie Laveau was a far better person, from the beginning. She not only cared about her voodoo coven, she smilingly pressed cash into the hands of old ladies whom she refused to charge for their wash and sets. Fiona Goode cared only about her own next drink, line, and perfect face. She was sort of Leaning In, to the career that is Not Giving A Shit About Her Actual Job But Murdering People To Keep It.
Pretty much everyone agrees with us on problem number one: once everybody who’s dead just keeps on living (until they don’t), the dramatic stakes become a null set. Our second problem with the season is one that’s not as universally acknowledged: the girls. It turns out, reading other people’s recaps, some people actually liked Emma Roberts’s turn as teen witch starlet Madison Montgomery, and, we guess, wanted to see more of her and Taissa Farmiga’s Zoe catfighting over undead manhunk Kyle, who was a boring twat. Huh. Perhaps we are just old? (See: haunted mansion lawn, getting off of.) Our third problem with the season was that Kathy Bates kind of sucked, turning an evil monster into a broad hapless buffoon. And our fourth: so the whole first three quarters of the season, with the witchhunters and stuff, is now just totally done with and the whole climax is actually who will be next Supreme?
And we’re gonna spend our whole finale on it?
Boo, show! Booooooo!
We open on a fucking bizarre music video for Stevie Nicks’s apparently upcoming music album. She just walks into their house in a fuckin’ dumb tophat and starts singing at them, for about an hour, and then leaves. Okay. Now it is time for the Seven Wonders talent contest!
Perhaps you enjoyed this. I did not enjoy this. First they must all move a candlestick. Then they must all make each other slap themselves in the face. (That was pretty good.)
Then it is time to do some other ones, who even cares, until they all do descencion to their own private (and totally inane) hells. Queenie is back at the Chubbie’s Chicken; Madison is stuck playing Liesl on a live broadcast of Sound of Music haw haw haw joke; Zoe is breaking up with Kyle, on a loop, oh my god, who cares, until a few weeks ago he couldn’t even talk and he still accidentally kills people all the time because he is still a zombie. EVEN HER HELL IS BORING. Misty Day gets stuck in hers, the one that actually sucks, where a shitty fascist science teacher holds her hand on her scalpel, forcing her to kill a living thing for the rest of eternity. Cordelia and Myrtle are like “let’s take a moment,” and Madison’s like “lick my twat, old dumb bitches.” The mark of a true Supreme.
Zoe accidentally murders herself on a gate spike, just like Cordelia clairvoyanced, and cuntnugget Madison refuses to revivify her. And then (let’s just skip ahead, I am so fucking bored), it was inside Cordelia all along. Hooray Cordelia you are the New Supreme! Her eyeballs grow back, and apparently her womb does too, since the mark of the Supreme is glowing radiant health, which was why Madison couldn’t be Supreme at first (heart murmur) until she died and came back. Internal logical consistency is not Show’s strong point, SHOW.
Kyle murders Madison, as you do. Spalding is there to “bury her” for him (put her in a chest and use her as a cum doll for the rest of his ghost life). Where is the baby Spalding stole from Marie Laveau? Meh, details. (I was rooting for the baby to be the new Supreme, but whatevs.)
Myrtle makes new Supreme Cordelia murder her, for the crime of murdering the council and putting them in a lye pot so she could steal their eyeballs for her Cordie. This is a shame, since a) MYRRRRRTLE!!!!! and b) the scene (to my favorite Fleetwood Mac song, “Silver Spring”) was just a retread of the superior Dr. John version, when Fiona set Myrtle up because Fiona is a terrible person. Here, have a fanmade echo of the Dr. John superbity.
You know the only reason they did it was for Myrtle’s last word: Balenciaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
Cordie and Fiona have some them time, because Axeman did not actually murder Fiona (a pretty obvious twist most of us saw coming, no?) and then Fiona dies and goes to hell. Which is only fair — except that her hell is a pretty sweet little shabby chic cottage with a stiff drink and a stiff man. Nice hell if you can get it! (And you can get it if you try.)
Well, now that Cordie is Supreme, she is gonna fix this coven she loves once and for all, by going on television and refusing to live life in the shadows. Lots of girls show up! The coven is saved! Cordelia looks really great! Maybe she will actually get to teach a class! Maybe she will be able to stop her students from murdering each other constantly! (She could have been a little more on top of that, I thought.) And Kyle has a job, as creepy-ass new Spalding! We are sure he won’t accidentally strangle anyone.
You thought this season was about feminism? Mothers and daughters (and sons)? Vicious shitty racism (which meant Fiona’s adorable casual racism, which was constant, got a pass)? Nope. It was about coming out all along.
Next season Jessica Lange has a German accent. We are hoping for some Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS. Who’s with us?