Coven Recap: Go To Hell Girls, Go Straight To Hell
Remember Hellboy? Everyone was like “Hellboy! So inventive!” when it was just unending “every time you kill a monster, it comes back as two” … until two hours had elapsed. Then, killing a monster killed it. Somehow. Because. Welcome to our “Coven” recap, where death now actually means our immortal witches die. Why? Because.
We begin with a charming, goofy and funny old timey film strip illuminating us (finally) as to the Seven Wonders: Telekinesis; mind control (“concilium”); transmutation (which seems to be beaming yourself to other places, not transmuting one object to another?); divination; vitalum vitalis (aka the REVIVIFYIN’); descensum (astral projection? the ability to cross the River Styx?); and pyrokinesis.
Fiona and Queenie are shooting the shit, as Fiona informs her Saturday will be Seven Wonders day to find out who is the next Supreme. Queenie is hep to Fiona’s evil ways: “You want us to perform the Seven Wonders so you can find out who the next Supreme is and kill her.” Yup. Way to Sherlock Holmes that shit out, Queenie. Not like those other idiot girls.
Fiona is casually racist, as usual, when asked where Laveau might be (hint, she is in the clutches of Madame LaLaurie): oh she must be off gallivanting with that voodoo dude, the one with the hilariously non-white name! Black people, aren’t they amusing? Queenie begs to differ: the name is “Legba. He’s a deity. Show some respect.” Fiona chokes the shit out of her look ma no hands, you want to talk about who needs respect. Also shut the fuck up, you’ll perform the Seven Wonders, Queenie, or you’ll die trying.
Yeah, show, “die.” Except, 12 (12?) episodes in, it looks like our witchy friends might be able to die after all! Considering there is a ghost in the attic caring for a human baby RIGHT NOW, we will believe it when they don’t all show up again (with Stevie Nicks!) for next week’s finale.
Whoops, it turns out when you stab out your own eyeballs after already having some stolen ones from the lye pot magicked back in, you dont necessarily get the Sight back. Should have “seen” that coming, Cordelia!
Cordy’s eyes are gross. She should put on some eyepatches.
Laveau’s blood is speaking to Queenie. We wish it were singing. Like this.
Queenie calls out to Legba and is transported back to Chubbie’s chicken shack, and there is a huge line outside. The chicken shack is her descension; her hell. The man at the back of the line is in hell too; he will always smell the chicken but never get a bite. 🙁
Meanwhile Laveau done got chopped into pieces by Mme. LaLaurie, who’s gotten a makeover — looks great! — and is now leading tours of her own former manse. The group of middle-aged tourist ladies is all there for the torture chamber. Torture? Pshaw! No torture, just the “firm but humane correction of her domestics. All else? A mere typo.” She was “a visionary, misunderstood and hated for it.” The tourists are bummed. No trip to New Orleans is complete without a walking tour of some fucked-up bullshit.
When LaLaurie took the tour herself, she did not care for the biased way her life and home were presented. How about being a little more fair and balanced, tour guide lady? You say “abject horror,” we say “enhanced interrogation techniques”! Oh, guess she’s a kill this lady now. So that’s how she got the job.
Lick lick. Lick the blood. Yum.
LaLaurie shows Queenie the dying woman with the pickaxe in her head. Queenie is still trying to redeem her, over the lady’s body. Oh Queenie. Let an old dog rest.
Actually, let an old dog rest FOREVER as Queenie defeats LaLaurie’s immortality by … stabbing the fuck out of her. Since LaLaurie cut off all Laveau’s parts, Laveau can’t keep her immortality contract with Legba by bringing him delicious babbies, so Laveau is not immortal so LaLaurie is not immortal.
Was this show written by the Supreme Court?
Fiona is getting her picture made and bleeding from her beak. “I probably have two weeks left on earth,” she says, “so what the hell am I doing here.” She don’t belong here. Emo Fiona.
Oh look Cordie has her Sight back (it was inside you all along) and she “divines” the future, where all the remaining girls are murdered by Fiona, including Cordy, because she’s a bad SHUT YO MOUTH.
Cordie says nothing, but taps her way to the Axeman’s hovel.
“It’s not safe to love my mother you know. I speak from experience. She can’t love anyone but herself,” Cordie says like a total B.
Queenie breaks Misty Day out of her mausoleum, breathes some life into her. Not sure why she and Cordie were somehow worried by her lifelessness. It takes her less than half a second to gasp back to the now.
Zoe and Kyle did not spend many days in the splendor of their love; they got to Florida and turned around, because shut the fuck up zoe.
Kyle killed a homless guy, for being a jerk, and for Kyle being a zombie. Zoe brought the homeless guy back, decided she was Supreme, and hurried home.
Misty and Madison are fistfighting, and I don’t care.
Axeman is there to kill all of them, he’s so mad, and covered with Fiona’s blood because Cordie told him Fiona was gonna ditch his ghost ass cuz he ain’t got a passport.
Wonder if they’ll bother to put Fiona back together? Oh, they “can’t.”
We are flashing back to cruel Fiona breaking Axeman’s ghost heart. The scene goes on so long, with talkie and calico cats and Fiona yammering like she is Myrtle, that I forgot her blood was about to cover him till it was.
Misty: “Even I can’t bring someone back once they’re gator shit.” Oh, ok. “Because.”
All the girls including Misty knife the fuck out of Axeman. Bye Axeman. You were already dead, but whatever.
LaLaurie is now imprisoned in her own torture attic, near her daughter who looks like Zoe. Her daughter is thirsty, so Laveau gives her some of LaLaurie’s throat blood. She’s so nice! Laveau is about to stick a brand up the daughter’s ass when she awakes. This is not her beautiful house. This is not her beautiful life!
Legba has called her there. Legba is taking her immortality away, because she is no longer keeping up the deal. But he already agreed to Nan in exchange for the baby. Not sure why not having arms or a head is supposed to stop anything. It never has on this show before. Laveau is in Legba’s hell, torturing LaLaurie’s daughter in front of her. Why? Say it with me: “Because.”
Cordie: speech speech speech by next week we will have our next Supreme. Well. Presumably. Knowing this show, there will be no Supreme. Or the Supreme will be Spalding up in the attic. Or a dog. Or BARACK OBAMA. Or Stevie fucking Nicks.
Oh man, I never realized that M.I.A. song
ripped off sampled Straight to Hell until just now.
M.I.A. for Supreme? Fuck it, why not.