Constantine: Let's Do The Twist!

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It’s the last ever Constantine! Maybe! Season 1 ends with some major revelations, major creepiness, and the return of Papa Midnite. But the biggest mystery of all is if there’ll be a Season 2


 

Previously on Constantine: Papa Midnite exists! La Brucharia! Glowy guy from that one episode we all forgot about! It will all be important again!

Open on a man with a serious southern accent problem, so obviously a bad guy. He wakes up three lovely young women all asleep in the same bed. Apparently tomorrow’s his wedding night, and he’s got work for them to do. I’m guessing it’s not flower arrangements and picking up his tuxedo.

Elsewhere… A young woman is exploring an abandoned amusement park, as young women tend to do all alone. A creepy guy tells her she’s going to die, as creepy guys tend to do in abandoned amusement parks. But it’s the three young women to the rescue! Somehow they manage to be even creepier than the “you’re going to die” dude, but the new girl doesn’t seem to notice. They say they’re all married to “The Man,” and girlie isn’t even weirded out by that. Maybe we’re in Utah? She’s all in for this polygamy thing, and not even the fact that the other women’s wedding rings are bruises around their necks seems worrisome to her. Maybe they all deserve each other because that’s some fucked up shit.

And/or a reality show on TLC

And/or a reality show on TLC

The Man is watching nearby in his truck when a police officer comes by. He kills the cop, obviously.

The next day, John and Zed are back in The Big Easy with Detective Jim Corrigan, the glowy guy in that vision Zed had, and they’re investigating a death by spontaneous desiccation. Apparently the victim was a cop who was abducted and killed the same night Bride #3 disappeared, which was the night of a blood moon, just like tonight.

Back in the house of the three (soon to be four) wives, The Man is walking around covered in blood and carrying a hammer…you know, typical pre-wedding groom stuff. We hear someone begging for his life in the background. D’oh, cop from last night was only knocked out and then kidnapped for torture. He didn’t actually get to die…yet. I guess you have to pick up a mangled cop for yourself because it’s not something you can register for.

John, Zed, and Jim are breaking into a tomb to see a dead body. Zed gets a vision to remind us that Jim is glowy guy. John pours holy water onto the body and discovers marks left by the Devil’s brand–an iron used during the Inquisition to torture witches. The corpse wakes up! It’s Gary Lester, holy shit! (You remember: John’s childhood friend who he had to sacrifice to kill a demon back in episode 4.) This isn’t Gary’s body, just some casual corpsejacking to deliver a message to John. Apparently there’s a bounty on his head.

Glowy. Also bloody.

Glowy. Also bloody.

Meanwhile, Papa Midnite is killing a guy for a spell that will apparently help him cash in on said bounty. Deceitful bastard, I thought we were friends.

The young woman from the amusement park is wandering The Man’s house, seriously creeped out by the markings in blood all over the walls. The other young ladies arrive, learn her name is Vesta, and comfort her by taking her into a back room. I definitely feel better, too.

The young woman’s disappearance has been noticed, and John, Zed, and Jim go to visit her mom. Zed picks this moment to tell John about her vision of seeing Jim dead. The glowy part was apparently inconsequential; it just means he’s dead. Corpses have never glowed in her visions before, but whatever. Manny appears to Zed because her spirit asked nicely. He gets really close to her face and says nothing interesting, but seriously these two have way more chemistry than she and John ever have. And, hey, Manny’s totally dtf these days, so maybe she’s got a chance.

Up in Vesta’s bedroom, John chews on some of Vesta’s hair while sticking his finger into a lamp socket, which gives him a vision of the amusement park. Electrocution and magic are the same thing? Next time on Constantine, a girl electrifies woodland creatures in an effort to become a Disney princess.

A toothbrush was also involved, obviously.

A toothbrush was also involved, obviously.

The three previous brides are making Vesta up for her wedding night, and she’s really excited about “becoming a woman.’’ She does think about telling her mom where she is for a second though, so I guess there’s that.

Papa Midnite has done some unspeakable things to the dead guy’s mouth, and it now looks like a pincushion. Then he sics him on John.

At the abandoned amusement park, Jim’s closetalking at Zed, and she won’t look at him because she knows he’s gonna DIE. Maybe also because he’s being a creepy bastard. John gets attacked by pincushionface, who speaks with Papa Midnite’s voice, because why not give yourself away when attempting to murder a demon-slaughtering warlock? Also, how are this guy’s lips useful at all?

It’s okay though; Jim saves the day, killing the voodoo zombie with a bullet to the brain. Zed is able to have a vision of something other than Dead!Jim (and if you can see those words in that order and not read them in Dr. McCoy’s voice, you’re a strong person than I am), and she sees the cop from earlier writing something on the floor in his own blood. It’s an address! How helpful, guy who shouldn’t actually be able to see Zed since she’s having a VISION, not using a transporter. Papa Midnite sends a bird to find John, which actually makes more sense as a magical location-finding plot device.

Vesta is presumably under a pretty heavy spell, although that’s never really established and maybe she’s really just fucked up enough to be excited about marrying a man she’s never met after spending 24 hours with his three other marginally-of-age wives. The Man comes in, puts Vesta’s hand to his heart, and performs the fucking creepiest, pedobeariest scene I have ever witnessed.

On the other hand, it is a nice dress.

On the other hand, the dress is nice.

John, Jim, and Zed pull up at the address they got from Zed’s vision. They find the cop nailed up and wrapped in barbed wire, already dead. John sees Papa Midnite’s bird out the window and shoos everyone away because facing danger alone is safer. Papa Midnite then comes in and shoots John with a shotgun. If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

And it's not like we've already seen John survive a fatal gunshot wound this season, right?

And it’s not like we’ve already seen John survive a fatal gunshot wound this season, right?

John pleads for his life so he can go save the kidnapped teen bride, but no dice, because Papa Midnite has made a deal with the La Brucharia that will free his sister’s soul from Hell if he kills John. (You remember La Brucharia: the ancient band of warlocks who are the ones behind the upcoming apocalypse Manny has been warning about all season.) So Papa Midnite shoots John in the face.

But it’s okay; it wasn’t actually John, but the cop’s reanimated corpse. John knocks out Papa Midnite with his own shotgun. Haha, bastard. Meanwhile, Zed and Jim have done some cop stuff and found out The Man’s address. Apparently, he killed his wife on their wedding night six years ago because she “wasn’t the virgin bride he deserved.” Because purity is apparently very important to Satanists?

Back at The Man’s house, the wedding is now underway. Vesta suddenly acquires some wits when she realizes that the Devil is the officiant, so she flees. John’s there, wandering the house with Papa Midnite’s shotgun, and I suddenly feel like we’re in a cop drama. He finds the other three brides, or their corpses anyway—in their wedding dresses, dead in the same bed. The Man didn’t even let them stay risen for the reception? That’s kind of rude. Even the dead like cake, right?

"Satanist wedding cake? Sure, we can do that. Wait... they're not gay, are they?"

“Satanist wedding cake? Sure, we can do that. Wait… they’re not gay, are they?”

The Man catches Vesta in the backyard and drags back inside to finish the ceremony, but it’s okay; John, Jim, and Zed with a shovel to the rescue! Zed would totally have bashed the guy’s brains in, but Detective Jim insists on arresting him. John’s all like, “but he’s a monster, he can’t go to jail, he has to die!” And then Jim’s like, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna let him go and then hunt him down with my gun. Because justice.”

Vesta is home with her mother, and Jim takes Zed to a bar. She tells him about her vision of him dead, because that wouldn’t freak a person the fuck out. Jim says it’s cool though and uses it to get Zed to sleep with him. *sigh*

CONSTANTINE: Let's Do The Twist!

The old “You’ve already foreseen my death so I might as well die with a smile on my face” pick-up line.

John goes out in the rain alone except for Manny. The angel thinks it’s funny how jealous John is of Jim’s getting in Zed’s pants. But she constantly looks like she’s about to jump John and Manny as well; srsly, is there a guy on this show she wouldn’t fuck?

Bahahahahahahaha, John got Papa Midnite arrested, this is the best.

Except everything freezes, and Manny appears! Aww, he frees Papa Midnite. He also says that Papa’s contract with La Brucharia is void because John is off limits. Papa asks if he works for La Brucharia, and Manny says, “No, La Brucharia works for me.” WHAAAAAAATTTT????? THIS IS SUCH A TWIST I AM SUDDENLY INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS MISSION ACCOMPLISHED NBC NOW DONT CANCEL THIS SHOW OR WE WILL NEVER KNOW!

TV Show: Constantine

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  • Cy Chase

    Dammit, man! I’m a doctor, not a clairvoyant!

  • Hatori

    WHAAAAAAATTTT????? THIS IS SUCH A TWIST I AM SUDDENLY INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS MISSION ACCOMPLISHED NBC NOW DONT CANCEL THIS SHOW OR WE WILL NEVER KNOW!You ARE being sarcastic, right? Please tell me you’re being sarcastic.