Here Are The Classiest Things In The Oscar Nominee Swag Bag

Don’t you wish you’d get a ton of free shit even when you are a loser? Of course you do! That’s why you should be sadmad AND envious about the Oscar nominee swag bag, which everyone gets just for getting an Oscar nod. This year, it is crammed full of $85,000 worth of stuff.

For the past 12 years, Distinctive Assets has been putting together the “Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bag.”

This year’s basket costs nearly double the price of last year’s with more than 50 gifts ranging in price from $6.50 to $16,000.

Man oh man oh man there is SO MUCH STUFF in there that is ridiculous even though it is free stuff. You know full well that stars throw most of this away before leaving the theater or take this thing home and give all the low-rent stuff to the help. Business Insider has the full list, but we only want to talk about the soooooper classiest free things stars will get.

Something called a DrainWig, that keeps hair out of your drain.

Drainwig___Hair_Free___Happy___Yeti_Club

Don’t stars have oodles of minions to keep hair out of their drains already?

Weight-loss sensation Hydroxycut!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpH9z-Wp4TY

Hydroxycut used to do cool things like give people seizures, but we’re sure it is totally OK now!

Pepper spray in pink for the ladies

Mace_Pepper_Gun_Buy_Pepper_Spray

…and camo for the gentlemen.

Mace_Warrior_OC_Gun_Buy_Pepper_Spray

The O-Shot, an orgasm shot for women. No, really.

First the doctor or nurse applies a numbing cream to the vagina and the arm. Then blood is drawn from the arm in the same was as with any blood test. Then, using a centrifuge and a special method, platelet rich plasma is isolated the resultant growth factors. The whole process takes about 10 minutes and can be done there in the room with the patient. Then, using a very thin needle, the growth factors are injected the clitoris and into the upper vagina into an area most important for the sexual response, the O-Spot. Because these areas have been numbed with the anesthetic cream, the woman feels little or no pain.

OK then.

There’s also $5,000 worth of laser hair removal and $16,000 towards having a robot give you a hair transplant, AND they get the thing to keep hair out of the drain, so pretty much all hair-related needs are covered.

The very rich are indeed different, as they apparently have many more haircare issues that are so pressing they require an avalanche of free assistance in dealing with them. Oh well. Having too much hair or too little hair or hair in the wrong places seems like a small price to pay to get a bag that also includes a $9,000 trip to Vegas and a home spa. Man, we need to go to acting school.

[Business Insider]

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  • Nounverb911

    They have to pay taxes on this crap, right?

  • Come here a minute

    Geez don’t the men get anything to help with their orgasms? Maybe a lad mag?

  • natoslug

    While I enjoy playing doctor on occasion, I’m guessing my wife would draw the line at me adding a centrifuge to the bedroom and insisting on a small blood draw and spin, followed by a clitoral injection as our foreplay.

  • Haribo Lector

    It must be nice to be fabulously wealthy and not have to pay for things.

    • Ambignostic

      Guys, remember that not everybody who gets nominated for an Oscar is a multi-gazillionaire. My friend’s sister was nominated for a Best Documentary Oscar several years ago, and she didn’t even know where to go to get a dress fit for the ceremony. So yeah, she was kind of psyched about the swag bag, however useless most of it was.

      • athenap

        eBay should help her with next year’s dress. Congrats to your friend’s sister.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    There you go again, Hollywood; reinforcing centuries-old gender stereotypes. Maybe some men would like the pink mace, and maybe some ladies would like the camo.I was driving thru McDonald’s one day (because I’m a terrible parent), and I ordered my son a Happy Meal. The lady asked me if it was for a girl or a boy. I said, “We’re trying not to impose strong gender roles on our child.” Anyhoo, long story short, the kid likes spit on his McNuggets.

  • $73376667

    Because these areas have been numbed with the anesthetic cream, the woman feels little or no pain.

    YKINMK