Exciting New Christian Flick ‘The Lock In Movie’ Does Not Look Terrifying But Does Look Terrifyingly Bad
Seriously you guys we cannot get enough of these Christian ooga booga movie trailers. The treacherously bad dialogue! The flimsy premise! The overwrought press releases! Today, we have The Lock In Movie.
Imagine your life being torn apart and the very wiring of your brain being changed by a seemingly innocent prank. This is what happens when three teenage boys are terrorized by demon activity after a “dirty magazine” is snuck into an overnight church event called a lock in. During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.
Oooh, scary! Let’s take our sex-shaming to the next level, shall we? If you look at nekkid ladies or dudes or both, you will literally invite a demon into your church and it will hurt your friends. LITERALLY. And let’s make the sex demon a child! Yes, a child, because if a bloody-mouthed child doesn’t put you off your porn game, nothing will, apparently.
Ooh, ooh we have an idea! Pick us! Pick us! Let’s do the film in a super-shaky-cam style like Blair Witch Project, because that is super au courant and sure to get the youths all hip to your message. Then we’ll do one of those website dealios where we pretend we have Terrifying Found Footage:
The following information has recently been released to the public. It was the decision of the board at First Baptist Church to “officially” release the following information about what happened in the spring of 2010.
In the spring of 2010, a church lock in at First Baptist Church was organized by Pastor Chris. In the first hour of the lock in, one of the students, Justin, had an unusual “incident” and was “inconsolable.” It was reported that he calmed down and kept to himself for the remainder of the event. Two days after the lock in, Justin reportedly broke down to his parents that he experienced something “evil” at the lock in. He also claimed he captured everything on tape.
After watching the footage, the parents met with church leaders to discuss criminal charges they were considering filing against the church for child endangerment, neglect and torture. A special hearing was immediately organized to find out what was on the tape. Two pastors, six elders and an unknown number of overseers met at an undisclosed location to view the footage of the tape. It was reported that two of the elders resigned their duties immediately after viewing the footage.
For a mere $5.99 you can pre-order this cinematic masterpiece, which will be released on January 9th. Watch party, anyone? We can hardly wait for the porn parody: The Cock-In.